The past couple weeks in my efforts to learn further vulnerablility and intimacy with the Lord, my squad, and my family, I emailed or coaches Brian and Kathy. They are the elders of our squad and although they are not out here on the field with us their presence is very known.
When I reached out, they gave me a lot to think about and a challenge to write letters to God about what I’m feeling and about being intimate with him and to see what he answers back to me.
Today, I took up this challenge and the results were something special and very unexpected. This is what I wrote,
“Dear God, I am in Romaina and it is week 3 and I have come to realize that I struggle with vulnerablility. And its very frustrating because I want to cry and be real but it is so hard. I desire to be genuine and raw with my team and my squad. I want to learn to be intimate with you and others. I feel so guilty because I was with my family for 18 years and there were times I wasn’t real with them, not because I couldn’t but because I didn’t want to and WHY!?!?!?!? In the Psalms it says you catch all of my tears and put them in your bottle! Why Lord? I’m so frustrated and I don’t understand why you made me like this. I don’t want my mask anymore I want to be open and safe and real. God Please!Please help me to know who I am in you. Help me to discover who you are God. I don’t understand this barrier I have with emotions Lord. You have my emotions and I don’t want to live off a feeling God. I want to seek to understand intimacy with you. God please answer.”
This was his response, “I am here. I have always been here. Your heart is mine. I know what is there and understand every part of who you are. I made you in my image and liking and you are perfect to me. Open up your heart always to hear my voice. Continue to seek to understand who you are in me and who I am in you. Intimacy will come my daughter. Do not be frightened by your tears but be delighted I catch all of them and know they are precious to me. I love you.”
And in further distress I wrote, “God, How do I seek to understand you more? I want to so bad but please draw me to yourself God. I want to know each thing you say about me and I want to understand all of your promises. God I need you to come.”
And his final answer to me for today, “Angelica listen, Listen to me and you will hear all I have to say. I’m here hugging you right now, don’t you feel me?”
What a beautiful thing to wrestle with the Lord, to have him hear you and care about you. It’s soo amazing to be able to feel him and have his presence cover you.
After that first letter everyday I wrote to Abba telling him how I’m feeling and what I’m doing, we are slowly but surely getting so much closer(I wish it was quick but he’s growing my patience too). Some days we walk hand in hand and some days we dance together. It hasn’t been easy to give every room in my heart house to God but as I do new challenges come and new changes come that leave me wanting to look so much more like him.
