Month 3 was a what I would call an “in between” month.
For my teams month 2 we moved locations and went from Craiova to Dragonest—Olt. We left Draganesti-Olt at the end of month 2 and started month 3 back in Craiova. This was really hard for me because I loved where we were and what we were doing. We were doing kids ministry, I was playing soccer, we painted and gardened, and we were clearing the lot next to the church so they could build. It was awesome. Then God takes us from Dragonesti-Olt back to Craiova.
I did not understand. In Dragonesti-Olt, I was growing so much with the Lord hearing his voice and having a lot of revelation. I thought Abba and I were cool!
Starting back in Craiova I felt like God just left. I couldn’t hear him and I was frustrated. I looked back on my life and said “here we go again”. There were so many times before the race I felt I was on fire with God, then all of a sudden he leaves.
I felt myself in month 3 back in Craiova going back to month 1 in Craiova Angelica. Trying to find myself within the squad again, and really fighting to try and be vulnerable with Abba and my team. I couldn’t believe that God had left me to do month 3 on my own!
That couldn’t have been further from the truth.
It was then I realized that:
1. God NEVER left
And
2. He was choosing not to speak and asking me this question, “Am I still enough for you when I’m silent?”
This floored me. God was challenging me. Challenging the promise I made to him to be in fierce pursuit our relationship, and I’m sitting here thinking he left!
I apologized to my team for not being vulnerable with them and for how easy it was for me to regress. And then I had to apologize to Abba for how quickly I forgot that he is good and that he would never leave me.
In this last season it has been hard to not hear from the lord, but it has motivated me to keep my promise to fiercely pursue him. In this season I have never wanted to hear God more, and it makes me that much more grateful for when he does choose to speak to me. And even when I don’t feel like getting up and doing devotions or sitting in stillness or prayer with the father, this season has grown my discipline and hunger to make Abba my top priority.
In my pursuit of Abba in this season, he spoke to me 1 time. He said, “There is joy in tears”. And of course I didn’t get it. How can there be joy in crying? I was in my bible when he told me this and he took me to 3 places in scripture.
Psalm 56:8 “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.”
John 16:24 “You haven’t done this before. Ask, using my name, and you will receive, and you will have abundant joy.”
Luke 7:36-50 this passage is where Jesus is anointed by the woman with the alabaster box. And my question was why was she crying? What was so significant about her tears? And why do you want my tears? Why do you keep them?
This question brought me to Psalm 126:4-6 “Restore our fortunes, Lord, as streams renew the desert. Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy. They weep as they go to plant their seed, but they sing as they return with the harvest.”
Romania has been a time to plant seed with tears within myself, and to plant seeds in the people I have encountered here. And I know I will reap a harvest within my heart that will bring great joy. But I’m so exited for the harvest that will be collected with an abundance of joy in Romania because of the seeds planted with tears by us but by the missionaries that have invested their lives for Christ here.
Abba promised me that this next season will be a season of Abundant Joy. He wasn’t saying that there won’t be hardships and trials that come, but he has promised to teach me what it means to live in a place of overflow with him and being satisfied with that.
Sometimes we just think what God has to offer isn’t enough which is crazy because he’s the God of the universe. But he wants to teach us to live satisfied. And I’m so excited to continue to learn to live in a place of overflow walking with abundant joy completely satisfied at my fathers feet.
Pa Romania! Sanatate ñu mi bien!
