from Brazil I found myself weary, and in need of an intimate touch from the
Father. That’s when He called me ‘Grace’. I was relieved to feel as though there would be some grace for me in this struggle. I had a couple weeks to rest in His peace before I the struggle came back full force.
that’s not the point of this blog, this is a love story 😉 However, I want to highlight what God was
doing deep inside. Here’s the jist of it; after a slew of junk had been sent to
steal my hope I found myself grieving choices I have made, abuses I had
suffered and treasures I had lost along my journey. Every filthy piece of shame
that I had ever felt was brought to the surface, one more volcanic time. But to
make this time different, no matter how much I physically hid or isolated
myself, I could not hide from my Lover. His eyes burned for me, and He wanted
in on my junk. He spoke tenderly to my heart while I lay naked before Him
(remember back in Part 1 when He was wooing me to that place and how
excited I was?? Ha. I had no idea the kind of pain that would produce that intimate
place). He spoke of a day when I would
see that I have lost nothing. A day where there would be far more Life than
death, a day when I would see my beauty without blemish, without shame. My inheritance
would be received in full.
With His tender words tucked on the inside of my heart I had
the hope and Grace I needed to face the giants that were still waiting to suck
the life out of me. In the weeks and months following, I still made poor
choices. I fell into old habits again and at times played with the idea of compromising
and settling for less, especially when it came to men. But I fought, I hung on
and I refused to go down when situations tried to redirect me back into the
shame that God said was no longer there. I knew that if I held on long enough
to get to Georgia to lead my summer Expedition team, I would be safe. I somehow
knew that would be home plate for me (is that another baseball reference?? Dang
Benny, check me out! You like me a lot right now don’t you?? :p ).
When I arrived in GA, I took a deep breath and thanked Jesus
for his grace that got me through. I used our leader training time to rest in
His presence and reflect on the deep things He was reordering on the inside of
me. God kept sending people to encourage me. One of which was another leader,
Benny 🙂
He simply wanted to share a song with me that he kept hearing play in his head
whenever I came around. It was Misty Edwards song ‘Rushing River’. You can read
the beautifully written lyrics here, I had never heard the song before
but the part that hit me the deepest was, ‘He makes all things beautiful, just
in time… it’s just a matter of time’. I thanked Benny for the encouragement
and moved on in the embrace of my Lover.
The next week was crazy busy and super exciting with our
teams arriving and getting prepared for the mission ahead! The evening before
my team’s departure for Africa, Benny pulled me aside for a quick minute. We
hadn’t spoke much at all before this and so my mind was racing with what he
could possibly want to say to me. I worried that I had done something wrong,
offended him… was he about to give me feedback?? I couldn’t quite read his
tone. He asked me how well I could guard my heart because he had some things to
tell me that he felt God had been sharing with him for a few days now. I gave
him permission to go on “…the Lord sees your heart, your faithfulness, and
obedience to Him… you have been cut from the finest fabric… so has your
husband, this is why it is taking time for you both to find each other because
God is creating the finest beauty in you both… ” he went on to describe how this relationship would make me thrive like
never before. As he spoke, I remember feeling these words hit some of the
deepest chords in my heart. I’ve longed for this to be true, not knowing
whether I was hoping for too much, but longing for it and now another person
has seen it and heard it on my behalf. Could this really be true? When he
stopped talking, I knew that the purest response to all of that would be to say
Thank you, and walk away.
I went straight to meet with my team, we had so much to do
before leaving in the morning for Africa. My heart smiled at Jesus and I quietly
said to Him, ‘we can talk more about this while I’m in Africa…’
