Ok, I've rewrote this 3 times now because I don't know how to tell you Everything that's on my heart in the first sentence because I have the fear that some people don't read past the first sentence. So, if nothing else, at least read the last paragraph it's the most important of them all!!
WARNING: I'm going to ramble and randomly skip subjects in this entry because I feel that my supporters, and the world in general, deserves to really know my life and my heart. I may not be who you think I am.
I'm scared! I am somehow confident that God will provide the funds for my trip but I recently found out that unless I'm enrolled in school at least 6 credit hours I have to start paying on my massive private school loans. Once those go into repayment they can't go back into deferment. Pretty much, I'm going to have to pay a lot of money every month that I certainly won't be making while I'm away and that I most likely won't be able to afford when I return and go back to school. Somehow, someway God is going to work this obstacle out. I know, I'm "Christian" so I'm supposed to pretend I'm perfectly fine but I'm worried about this and I need A LOT of prayer over it.
I'm blessed beyond what I can comprehend and I can't comprehend it. I want to make sure the world knows that I'm not perfect. I am a follower of Christ. I believe in his teachings. I trust that he is always here. I have faith that he will always provide. I doubt. I fear. I get angry. I'm selfish. I love to love people.
After getting the info about my loans this week, making just enough to pay the bills last week, finding out I need a new car today, and all the while trying to figure out what my next step is to try and raise money for this mission, I started feeling really overwhelmed, alone, and scared. I spent most of the day praying and reading the bible asking God to show me how this was supposed to all work out. All-the-while feeling very disheartened and frustrated asking God "why" questions that I clearly knew the answers to. I've been called to this ministry and God will make it work but it's definitely a journey that I can't try and take on without the rest of the body of Christ behind me. I stink at accepting help and I think that will be a major prayer for me over the next few weeks. On top of that I know that there is power in prayer and power in numbers, especially in the body of Christ. Trying to take this calling on alone would be like wiggling my toe and expecting my feet to start running. I need support from all my brothers and sisters around me. The bible clearly says that each person has specific and special roll or gift to offer and I think that each person not only has their own calling but that as one body we each have a place in each others callings.
Tonight it was amazing to see the body of Christ come together. I think in a group of loving, Christian, peers every person should be put on the spot to be REAL about what is going on in their life because prayer in numbers is so powerful. I'm "socially awkward" shall we say, so I really didn't know what to say or how to show how thankful I was just for everyone's prayers during my small group tonight. Just being prayed over made my heart so at ease. To experience these people caring about me and not only for the race but for my personal situation right now was and is a blessing I can't give enough gratitude back to God for. All day I asked him to reassure me and there he was. Prayer is so powerful and I truly believe in the power of prayer. I really hope that praying for each other continues among my small group and if you aren't connect with a bigger part of the body of Christ besides yourself I strongly encourage everyone to seek that out. The very first book of the bible says that it is not good for man to be alone. Later, the bible speaks many times about the body of Christ and about there being oneness amongst all Christ followers. I'm very blessed that God brought me to this group of peers and I hope that the lines of real openness amongst everyone continue to unfold and grow as the ministry grows.
For now I think I will give my rambling a break but tomorrow II shall continue ; )
By the way, this blog may be about me but my passion and my desire is to love people. I pray daily for the people around me and if you are in need of prayer I would love to be praying for you please don't be afraid to talk to me. My e-mail is [email protected] and you can find more contact information under the Contact tab on the left side of the screen
