From the time I entered the youth group and first experienced the power of someone's testimony, I desired God to do great things through me. I remember one Wednesday night listening to a college student tell about the mistakes she made as a high schooler. She talked about drugs and alcohol and the immense pain she went through. She was so depressed and suicidal that she had bought a gun and placed it under the driver's seat of her car. Later that day as she sat in her car crying out to a God who's presence she questioned, she reached for the gun, but in it's place found a bible. She then shared how the Lord had set her free from her past and how she was never the same. She never turned back to her sinful ways and was able to use her story to impact and encourage others.
As I sat in awe of the transformation God had done, softening her heart and turning her to Him, I was filled with envy. I was so envious that God had never turned my life around or worked in some miraculous way that I could scream from the mountain tops. I wanted to be able to tell others of my sinful past and how God had changed my heart and life for the better. But that's just not my story. Before I became a Christian my big, aweful, dark sins included lying, disobeying my parents, and fighting with my brother. It's hard to have an astounding, jaw-dropping transformation story of how God changed the heart of a first grader.
When I hear of testimonies that depict the hymn's words "I once was lost, but now I'm found; was blind, but now I see"… you know those testimonies that make you feel closer to God, I desperately wish I had one. In those moments I wish that I once had a drug addiction, or a shameful past, or a hard family life… something that God had saved me from, something I could share with others to help them see Him.
Testimony envy is work of the enemy. He wants us to look at brothers and sisters in Christ and say "I want what they have." When really we have no understanding of what pain and sorrow haunts those with great testimonies. We have no idea what scars are hidden from the perceiving eye. Yes they have found freedom in Christ and through His blood those hurts are covered, but they are still remembered.
For so long I have wanted this great redemption story to tell others so that they may see more of God through me. Testimony envy has caused me to underestimate the power God's presence in my life. Since I grew up in a Christian family with parents who love me and had a great church family, great friends, amazing opportunities, and went to a great college, I thought that my testimony would be inferior in comparison to those with grand life-altering stories.
What a blessing it is that God has protected me from the time I was young. The Lord's protection is the foundation of my testimony. Protection from the pain of mistakes. Protection from heartbreak. Protection from consequences. Protection from rejection. Protection from loneliness.
The Lord has blessed me with opportunities to learn from the mistakes of others. In eighth grade I saw the harmful effects of drinking. In high school I saw the pain and regret of a woman who lived with her husband before marriage. In college I had friends who struggled with the consequences of sexual purity.
Every year when my birthday comes around my mom reminds me of the Lord's protection on the day I was born. The story goes that it was an icy day in March after 11 pm as my dad was driving and did a 360 on the interstate without hitting anything. Once entering the hospital my mom knew that any moment I would arrive. My dad quickly got my mom into a wheelchair and onto the elevator when the elevator doors opened mid-floor. Ten minutes later as my mom was screaming for the doctor to come in, nurses were yelling at her not to push, for if she did her baby would drop onto the floor. Just as the doctor on call, who had been napping, walked in out I came. And thus my name was Angela, for as my mom puts is "the angels were protecting [me] that day."
It gives me immense peace to know that God is in control of every aspect of my life. Although I do not have a world-renown, unforgettable, astounding, jaw-dropping testimony to share, I know that God will never be through with me. For the past few years I have prayed a theme: to expect great things from a God that has prepared me for such things. Through every person, thing, and opportunity I encounter I know that God is preparing me for great things "far beyond all that I could ask or imagine." (Ephesians 3:20)
For so long I wished for some great affliction that only God could save me from, then I realized he has. He has saved me from a life without Him.
