Intimacy weirds me out. Intimacy through being transparent and open with friends is what I’m all about, but romantic intimacy I’ve never really experienced, making it uncomfortable and abnormal to me. I am good at letting girls in and building deep genuine relationships, but when it comes to guys I often get awkward when being ‘more than friends’ arises.
This past weekend our squad was all together for time of relaxation and recoup before month two. Richard, the team leader of J 1:59 the team we will be with this month, and I went to get bus tickets early yesterday morning thinking we would hang out with the squad later. When we got back no one was at base camp. I had wanted to hang out with so many people to catch up and to get internet. People started coming back and didn’t want to go back into town, so slightly disappointed, I went to spend time alone with the Lord.
At first I was upset that I didn’t get what I wanted out of the day, then I realized I was making spending time with God my sloppy seconds. I sat in the African sun, not a cloud in the sky, arms outstretched, asking for wisdom and discernment as to why I couldn’t let Him fully in.I have been digging deeper and asking God to reveal Himself more regarding the vision I have of me being like a house, unable to let Him fully into the innermost room. I shut my eyes and listened hard, something I don’t do often to the Lord.
He replied with ‘I want your soul. I want you to let me pursue you. Give me a chance to meet you in the depths of your soul. Let me in.’ I said ‘okay’ and had a huge grin as I asked ‘but how?’ He replied ‘Date me.’
Dating weirds me out. It makes me nervous. I hate the idea of it. My wish is that one of my attractive guy friends will one day realize, ‘Wow, Angela is hot. She’s the one, I’ll pursue her and treasure her forever as the Lord leads me.’ I’m sure that is a lot of girls’ dream. I just hate the unneeded pressure that goes with dating. Growing up I thought my mom was ridiculous for advising me to hang out in groups and not date. Now I’d choose a group over an awkward date any day. The thing I hate most about dating is wondering what the other person is thinking and their intentions. ‘Does he like me? Am I pretty/interesting/funny enough? Where does he see this going?’
With Jesus I don’t have to wonder His intentions. He is like the man I’ve always dreamed of: definitively clear and flattering. I know that in Him I am enough because He is MORE THAN ENOUGH.Although I feel uncomfortable to date Jesus, it’s that sense of uneasiness with butterflies in your stomach, excited at what the future holds. The landscape here is so different than Zimbabwe, with rolling hills and lush landscape, rather than red dirt piled on red dirt. I am ready to fall in love in these valleys, to scream from the hilltops of the love story that is about to unfold.
I am standing in the corner of the innermost room of my house with light peering in, Jesus standing in the doorway, nervously giddy about opening the door all the way. What I feel is like what I suspect my wedding night will be like one day. He has already won my heart and I know He cares for me, now is the time to allow Him to fully consume my being. I am ready, but I am nervous.
I want to be so in love with Jesus that I wake up with Him on my mind, I can’t help but talk about Him all the time, and have things I can’t wait to tell Him. I want to be so in love with Jesus that the love of any man will never compete. I want to be excited for the next free moment alone with Him, our next date.
This month Jesus knew I needed mountains. I will always remember my first ski trip to Colorado in high school and how in awe of the mountains I was. I kept praising God, for if He could make such beauty He can do anything. I’m so thankful that the mountains are the beautiful backdrop of my love affair with Jesus, the lover of my soul.
Tonight is our first date. I’m not sure what I’m going to wear yet, but I am ready to be wooed. I am ready to be romanced.
