This past spring while recruiting for Southwestern at LSU, I lived with a young, amazing couple with three precious girls. One of the girls, Harper age 3, I dubbed the “Question Queen.” My whole time there she was either in the kitchen at her mom’s feet or in my room asking questions. Many questions she knew the answer to, but I loved her childlike curiosity to everyone and everything around her.
[I am holding Harper]
I love asking questions. Growing up my favorite question was ‘But why?’ which sometimes got me into trouble. I feel that I was created for intentional question asking, and causing others to experience transparency and vulnerability. I thought these three words: intentional, transparent, and vulnerable, were words that described me and my purpose well. My team has limited how many times I’m allowed to say these three words every day because I use them so much. 🙂 These three words are what I thought my identity is grounded in.
In the past three days God has revealed some hard stuff to swallow, like nasty tasting cherry flavored cough syrup that leaves a horrible after taste. It all began Monday morning when my feelings were hurt. That’s right, I have feelings and they were hurt. It sounds so petty and I even wrote “This is going to be one of those things I look back on later and think how ridiculous I’m being” in my journal.
Without unneeded details, I let the actions of a teammate affect my feelings. This is not me. I told this teammate that they hurt my feelings, which was very hard for me to admit. No one ever hurts my feelings. I never allow others’ actions to affect my feelings, because ultimately I am in control of my emotions.
[one of the monkeys that hung out in our backyard at debrief]
In community it doesn’t work this way. A level of intimacy is developing within my team that I have rarely reached with many people. My present family knows my dirt and what makes me weak.
I was flabbergasted that I allowed someone to hurt me. I was frustrated that I was hurt and tried to remind myself that it wasn’t a big deal (even another teammate reminded me that it wasn’t a big deal). Which I knew and understood in my head, but my heart screamed something different. For the first time in a long time, I was hurt. This petty situation of hurt feelings forced me to admit that I DO HAVE FEELINGS. I DO HAVE EMOTIONS.
In my deep relationships I am always the strong one. The advice giver. The listener. The comforter. The empowerer. The fixer. I let people in, but I’ve never allowed myself to be the weak one. I’m seeing that strength is found in weakness. I’m realizing that for so long I’ve put up walls with graffiti reading in bold caps “I DON’T NEED YOU” and “I CAN DO THIS ON MY OWN”. When I admit that I do need my team and I allow my weaknesses to leak out, further intimacy personally with the Lord and with my team will develop.
[Isaac, in the stripes is the newest member of Fierce Pursuit!]
My teammate Ashli said that my strength is good, but His strength is better. She said since I am a strong independent woman I can depend on my own strength and by the world’s standards, will be successful. Or I can depend on the Lord’s strength and use His giftings in my life to further His Kingdom and be utterly surprised and gain joy far surpassing anything I could achieve on my own. I want that!
My mom always tells me not to drink water after taking cough syrup because it will become diluted and won’t work as well, even though it would make the nasty after taste subside. It would be easier to continue stuffing how I truly feel and diluting my emotions until they no longer exist. I have done this for too long. I did not come on the race to be the same I’ve always been. He is chipping away parts of me that are not of Him so I can look more like Him.
My flesh wants to always be in control of my emotions. I’m realizing that when I try to maintain that control I am depending on my own strength and not the strength that the Lord wants to give me.
I love asking questions intended for others’ self-discovery and introspection. Yesterday while sitting by the creek at the foot of a mountain in South Africa at our debrief, the Lord had a lot of questions for me. His intent was to bring deep things to the surface that have gone too long unnoticed.
[leadership dinner at debrief! such a fun night!]
Here are some of His questions that I am still pondering:
Do I really put up walls from allowing people to truly know me?
Do I pursue others and ask intentional questions to keep the attention off me?
Why do I have the mentality that I don’t need anybody and that I can do it on my own?
Do I accept my feelings for what they are, do I not feel them, do I stuff them, or do I not allow things to bother me?
Do I allow others the opportunity to carry me, encourage me, and lift me up?
Am I too (subconsciously) worried about being a burden to someone and bringing down their spirits?
Asking difficult questions brings uncomfortable self-discovery and areas of repentance.
What questions is the Father asking you that are hard to swallow? Questions you want to dilute and ignore?
