In every type of fear there is power in the outcome of what could take place. Take spiders for instance. We have come across a lot of spiders on the race and most girls are scared of them, especially the big ones. Why be scared of something that is much smaller than you and that you have the ability to trample?
As I sit here in China in the room my whole squad will be worshipping in tonight at debrief praising the Lord and His magnificent goodness, I am overwhelmed with the fact that the truth of the Gospel is ALL over China! It hit me like a ton of bricks! Christianity is oppressed in this country without a doubt. I have seen and experienced it. Ministry here is usually acted out through building relationships and praying that seeds are planted. Those in my squad that had ministry where they sat at coffee shops practicing English with college students shared their beliefs through questions that we all as humans have. Like why we were created and where we go after death. When they shared the name of Jesus, some students refused to go there.
The Chinese government fears the name of Jesus, to the extent that those who come together to worship the Lord take out their phone batteries so the government will not know that more than three people are meeting together. Jesus is not a word that is heard or spoken in China because it is feared.
The name of Jesus is feared because here in China they know that there is power behind what can take place ‘in the name of Jesus.’ There is power in the name of Jesus! “Even the demons know know [Him] and tremble.” James 2:19
Believers in China are oppressed and constrained in China because the government are fearful of all that Jesus is capable of. Their fear proves that there is power in His name, even in China. The people here are desperate, thirsty, and searching for so much more. I pray that the fear of His name here would be proof to unbelievers of His supreme power.
On the first month of the race I saw a spider and made one of the guys on my team come kill it. I was scared of what that spider was capable of doing to me. Looking back, it’s silly that I let something so small, something that I was capable of trampling on my own bring me fear. Last month when we lived in huts in Swaziland I stopped the guys from killing a spider because I wanted to kill it. In Africa spiders became a way of life. You will see them, and if they bother you kill them.
Here in China we as a squad experienced spiritual oppression. I have never fought so hard to wake up in the morning. I am a go-getter, but many days I wanted to do nothing but sit in silence. There is much spiritual warfare here. The enemy wants to debilitate us, to silence us, and to keep us from the truth. I believed his tricky lies this month that when I speak no one listens and that no one cares.
In Hong Kong at the beginning of this month I said “I cannot do this month without you Lord.” I was SO broken. I sobbed in front of my whole squad, the nasty heaving snotty loud overwhelming kind. It was not pretty and I along with my team was in shock. I cried straight for over 24 hours. It was uncontrollable. I sobbed at the drop of a hat. I have never felt as vulnerable in my whole life. We had just found out our new squad leaders and that all our teams were changing.
As I look back and realize how I have been healed of the rejection I felt, I find it hard to believe that that was me. That I truly did break out into sobs in front of my whole squad. That I stayed awake for over 24 hours, distracting myself from sleep, so that my mind didn’t have time to catch up with my true emotions. But it was me. I was broken. Satan wants me to think it was just a fluke, and that I didn’t experience that, but I did. The rejection I felt hurt bad, but God met me and overwhelmed me with his all encompassing love.
Today as I sat in a room with my team and some people in leadership that I felt rejected by, He showed up and lavished love on me like never before. My new teammates went one after the other talking about how I created a safe environment for them to be vulnerable. That they want to follow me because they know I am following Him. That I love them well. That they know that I would lay down my life for them. That I lead in a way that is effortless and empower others. That they see God’s heart of compassion in me. When my squad leaders and coaches told me how proud they were of me and that I was different, lighter, freer than before it felt like God telling me the same. All I could do was smile real big and feel warmth in my heart, so thankful to God that I am right where he wants me and needs me. Thank you Jesus that you give me the desires of my heart even when I don’t realize what they are.
I will no longer believe the enemy’s lies. I choose truth. I WILL NOT fear something that is SO MUCH smaller than the Spirit living inside of me. Satan has not foothold on me. In the name of Jesus, I know who I am. He has created me and empowered me to lead confidently and beautifully. And me saying that is not pride. I am proud and so thankful to know that he trusts me with the six other hearts that make up Holy F.I.R.E.
I REFUSE to be silent and let his stupid lies fester. I am a woman of power. A lover. A woman of passion. I have a tender heart. I love passionately and fully and sweetly and well. And that is a dignified pride, pride rooted in my identity as a righteous daughter of the Highest King.
Thank you Lord for changing me! Thank you for giving me your compassion and allowing me to be a vessel that tenderly embraces, loves on, and encourages those around me. Thank you that I have nothing to do with it, but that it’s all for you! Thank you for giving me your words to speak life into the body of Christ. I humble myself before you and I say that I cannot do life on my own. If you don’t show up, than I will look like a fool, a fool in love with the most magnificent God there ever was or will be.
[Merry Christmas from Holy FIRE!]
