As I sit here on my balcony over looking the countryside landscape I cannot help, but to be captivated. This is a well needed thing for me after spending 5 of the 7 months in big cities. The mountain top in the distance is distorted due to the afternoon heat haze, but thankfully there is a slight breeze that offers a small comfort. The landscape is a mix of patches of trees and open fields spotted with wooden houses on stilts similar to mine. The red dirt road is dry and its dust lingers in the air as people or cows move along it. I love this. This moment. I want to take it all in, but my mind is too full and so it snaps me back into the sea of my thoughts. Normally I would find myself under the house at this time, but I have to much on mind that I need to sort out without the distraction of life down there. I take in another deep breath trying to will myself to have more clarity. I stifle a scream of frustration and look back out over the landscape as I pop my headphones into my ears and turn on my ipod.
I wonder if you would recognize me? I hardly recognize myself anymore. Some frustration has come because my physical appearance has taken on some changes. My hair is brown now and although I loved it when I first dyed it the color has since faded and I wish my hair was blond again. My skin is splattered with a new crop of freckles and I love them. The thing that I get caught up with the most on with when it comes to my physical appearance is the amount of weight I’ve gained. It seems no matter how much I exercise I can never seem to stay in shape. I have gained so much weight over these past few months that some of my clothes don’t even fit anymore. Back in Costa Rica my zipper to my jeans literally flew of my pants and I cried. I still know that I am beautiful, but I am frustrated that all the men seem to loose weight while I and other ladies seem to be putting on the pounds. It’s uncomfortable. I don’t like it one bit. I know its not even that big of a deal, but no matter how much I try reassure myself of that I still am struggling with it. It makes me so angry. Never once have I struggled with what I looked like so why do I care now? Why would I care right now when appearance don’t really matter on the race? Who is this person who suddenly cares so much about the outward physical appearance?
I don’t know who I am. I don’t recognize this version of me. I am unsure of what I believe. I’ve called out to you God, but you seem so distant. I’m scared to dive in deep again. Who am I meant to be? I find myself drowning in self doubt and frustration. I pray and sing songs of worship, but my heart never seems to be in it no matter how much I try to make it be there. I am quick to get defensive over even the smallest things, but why? Before I even realized I was doing it I have begun to build up my walls. Suddenly my eyes have seen what I have done and I am swinging the sledge hammer in circles screaming and smashing down the walls. I did not come all the way to month 7 to go back to my old ways. Sweat is pouring off of me, but I still am running and striking the hammer into the walls until nothing stands. I fall to the ground sobbing because I am so helpless and confused. I long for comfort and safety and I can’t find it. I long for that. How do I find my way back into your arms? Why did I just tear down these walls? I was doing so well, but now all I feel is emptiness and loneliness. I am exhausted and my body aches. I’m pretty sure I have a few parasites too along with who knows what else living on my insides. Where are you now God? Where are you now? I am speaking out loud and no hears me. Please tell me that you hear me God. I can’t do this alone. I confess my hearts desires but the words fall to the ground and sink into the red dirt that covers this country. What more do I need to do? I don’t even recognize this version of me. Why am I broken? What have I not given for your kingdom’s cause? What more do I need to do? All I know is that I feel like I can’t do this anymore. I don’t know how.
Have I failed you? Have I failed my friends? My family? My supporters? What would they think if they saw me right now? What a sight I must be to see. Why me? Where are the answers and why are they hidden from me? What am I still holding onto with an iron clenched fist that I need to let go of? I feel empty and alone. Why am I being so vulnerable? Do I even want to post this? Oh, God please come. A battle is raging all around me and I am the only one who seems to notice. I can’t do this alone. Surely this is not what you have meant for me. Please tell me I’m going to be alright. Please tell me you’re by my side. Please tell me you’re there.
“I am searching through the canyon. It is your name that I am calling. Though you’re so far away I know you hear my plea Why won’t you answer me? Here I am. Here I am.”
(Emmylou Harris, Here I am)
“In your ocean I’m ankle deep. I feel the waves crashing on my feet. It’s like I know where I need to be, but I can’t figure out. I can’t figure out just how much air I will need to breathe when your tide rushes over me. There’s only one way to figure out. Will you let me drown? Yeah, will you let me drown?”
(Needtobreathe, Something Beautiful)
