Here I am five days into month 7 and I still cannot believe that the race has gone by so quickly. Part of me is saddened by the fact that there are only 4 more months left, but the other part of me cannot wait to get back home to see my family and friends. If you have been reading my blogs since the beginning then you will know of how much I struggled with homesickness in the first 3 months of the race. I am not homesick now, but I do miss home a lot and I have been asking God why for quite some time now. This past week or so he has slowly been showing me and answering my questions of why.
my house for the month
my bed
transportion for the month!
I really love it here in Cambodia and thank you Jesus for the rain storm this morning that cooled it down outside. I love the contacts that we are working with this month as well. Jim and Carolyn Gabriel with their 3 children (Sam, Megan, and Jacob) , and their teammate Joel. They have such a heart for God and they are so full of love. Last night we ate dinner with the Gabriel’s and they had asked if any of us knew what we wanted to do after the race. I was the only one who said I am 90% sure God is not calling me go work and live in a foreign country. Then I clarified myself and said that I come from an awesome community and my family is so close. Even my friends and I are close. Seriously, I’ve known my two best friends since I was 3 and 8 years old. That’s almost 19 years. My other friends that I consider to be very close were there for me and “held my hand” as I slowly began to let Christ in after a year of trying to things myself and watching everything I tried to fix fall apart. I would love to live for and work for the Lord in the community I know and love and the community that has always been there for me. So then why did God call me to the race if I am not going to be going out and living and working in a foreign country for him? And why would he pull me away from a wonderful community?
me, Geena, and Becca
Why would I be sitting in the Kuala Lumpur International Airport wondering why I haven’t become super connected with anyone or super close with anyone on my squad as I watch other go off with their new best friends? Why don’t I have a best friend on this race? Honestly after reading so many blogs before the race about how people became like family and they left the race having best friends they never thought they would have I found myself wondering why I am about to enter month 7 having no one that I feel super close with or connected too. Don’t get me wrong I love my team and my squad and there are people that I can call my friends, but there is something missing that only a best friend can fill. Most days my team is like a Modern Family episode, chaotic, funny, there is fighting, and at times we may seem dysfunctional, but at the end of the day we truly and genuinely care for each other. However, something is still missing for me. Maybe I haven’t let go of home enough. Maybe I need try harder. Every night I have asked God for an answer. Desperately I have called out to him asking why would he call me to leave everyone I know and go out into the world. And then somewhere between last night and 3PM this afternoon it hit me.
At home I loved God. I read my bible whenever. I went to church. I worked at a Christian camp. I lived in community. I went to worship every Sunday. My faith looked good…..on paper. The thing I had failed to do however, was to make God my best friend. He took a backseat if someone called up and said let’s do a game night or whatever. So I think God called me to this race to woo me and pursue me. I think he really wanted me to make him my best friend and so he put me with a team and a squad that he knew I would love, but one that wouldn’t let me put him in the backseat. If I have only learned one thing while on the race its that He genuinely loves me and desperately wants to have and intimate relationship with him. There is no way I could do this race if it wasn’t for his strength to get me through. With all that said maybe it’s a good thing I don’t have a “physical” best friend while on the race. I have God even though I am still working on seeking him first.
