I guessed that this feeling would come, but I didn’t think it would come so quickly. Maybe it came more quickly because I have been sick. It sure is a frustrating feeling. I don’t know what to do with it. What is this feeling you ask? Well at camp we refer to it as “it� and if “it� is really bad we even have a “medicine� for it. “It� is the dreaded homesickness.
Like I said before it’s probably because I have been sick with a parasite (see “I did what?! (part 1&2)). I didn’t really think that it would hit this quickly though. Why? Well I worked at camp for a whole summer so at the earliest I was expecting by the end of December maybe to feel homesick. I guess God had different plans. I miss my family, and friends, my church, Italian food or any food other than black beans. I miss hot showers. I miss the fall colors. I miss driving, crazy game nights, bonfires, my mac, more options of clothing, clean clothing, worship at Hope college, camp, curling up with a good book, and the list goes on. It all seems so silly to miss those things when people here literally live out of tin houses and can only afford beans to eat. It’s so frustrating too. Why should I feel this way? Why am I fighting off thoughts of wanting to go home when I know that this is what God has called me to do beyond any doubt in my mind? This is only for 11 months. For 11 months I gave all of this up to serve. Some people give that all up for their whole lives and others have never even had these things.
I wondered if I should even post these thoughts. I don’t want to seem weak or have people think that I calling it quits. I especially don’t want to let my supporters down. I know you all have been praying and financially supporting me and I am so very thankful. As I was praying God was telling me to post this. Maybe it’s because others feel the same way I do or maybe it’s because he wants me to be vulnerable with all of you. By saying how I am really feeling I am allowing you to share in my life. Life on the race isn’t always going to be hunky dory. We were told that. I expected to be broken and humbled so why not on the first month instead of month 8 like I was expecting. Maybe month one has been so difficult for me because God needed me to be broken and built back up piece by piece for the rest of the race. I wonder if any of my rambling thoughts are making any sense to you?
We had worship on the roof last night, but we started it out with prayer. We released all things and feelings to God. We repented, thanked, declared, and cut ourselves loose from this place, What I mean by cutting ourselves loose is that sometimes we pick up other people’s baggage and while it’s good to help we are not called to carry burdens. After I got done praying I layed down on the roof and continued to have a heart to heart with God. It went something like this:
“God this is sky is so beautiful. I hope people back at home can see these same stars.�
“If they take the time to they will, but Angela you are home.�
“How can that be God? This place is not home.�
“You are lying under the stars I created and I created this place. I am here and I am home.�
“Yeah wherever you are home is, I get it, but I still miss the place I grew up.�
“That’s okay, but don’t keep dwelling in that feeling because it will keep you from me. I love you and want you to turn towards me always,�
“May I see a shooting star because you love me?�
*shooting star
*shooting star.
“Not one, but two�
“Wow. Is to much to ask for a whole meteor shower in Africa? I think it would be so beautiful there with no lights to dim the stars.�
“Just wait and focus on this next month.�
So apparently I am home, but I still miss you all. Only 10 months left, but I don’t want to spend my days wishing I was back with all of you because I want to remember every moment while I am here. Please pray that this feeling of homesickness wouldn’t be a burden for me. We leave Panajachel Tuesday morning for our next country and hopefully I can keep my focus there. I love you all so much and although I can’t wait to see you all face to face again I can’t wait to see God move in Nicaragua.
