The past few days I have been riding what I like to call the
struggle bus. It’s a ride where it is hard not to complain and you feel like
everything is against you and that everyone is better than you. For one, I am
not sure if it’s really bad allergies or a cold, but my sinuses are going
crazy, my throat goes from sore to good, and my voice comes and goes. I have
the whole runny nose and watery eyes that go with my allergies as well. It’s
crazy and it makes it hard to focus on many things. Second, I think it has
finally hit that I am in another country and have little to no contact with my
family. Yes we can get internet here, but with the time difference and our
schedules it’s difficult to communicate.
Yesterday, I almost cried, not because I am
homesick, but because I am uncomfortable. We just got hot water tonight, Praise
the Lord, but it was literally ice cube like showers. I don’t get to choose
when we get to eat, it’s hard work all day, you are never alone because you
live in community, my teammates are night owls and I am a morning person,
people keep putting things in my face asking if I want to buy them, I
understand little Spanish, and I am convinced that there is no way one can be
organized while living out of a back pack. All in all I feel like I don’t
belong here and at the same time I know that I do.
I have also come to the conclusion
that I am not where I want to be in my faith. Before the race if asked I would
have told you that I knew where I stood and that I was not a lukewarm
Christian, but now that is probably the label I would give myself. Pastor Ben
is just so full of wisdom and knowledge. You can tell that the Holy Spirit
dwells in him. It’s hard to believe the things he has seen. I feel so small
when I stand beside him. This isn’t a bad thing at all because I know I can
grow so much, but it’s a frustrating feeling.
Working here at the place we are
staying is sometimes frustrating because I don’t always know what I am doing.
Pastor Ben trusts that we will figure it out, but he literally handed me a
cement drill and told me to drill holes in the cement wall to put up a wall
frame. Yeah I had no idea what I was doing and I kept going back and asking him
a million question, which makes me feel like I am hindering him from getting
his stuff done. I wish he would stand there beside me and show me and tell me
how to do these things, but then how would I learn if I was babied every step
of the world race? How would I learn to trust in God’s power and the Holy
Spirit? Nothing says trust the in the
Lord like diving in deep. I know I am growing, but I can’t do that without a
few rides on the struggle bus.
