I was told the world race would be difficult.
I was told to expect challenge.
I was told to expect change.
I was told I would grow.
What I wasn’t told was how much you have to fight. Recently we just found out there would be team changes. I heard those words and my heart soared. Finally, after three months of praying for a new team it was going to happen. My team knew that I wasn’t coming alive, I didn’t feel safe, and I was tired of the jokes and sarcasm. So my delight and excitement was to be expected. That lasted all of 45 seconds until I heard Mac say, “On my team we have Me, Alana, Haile, Angie, Nikki, Angela, and Paul.” WHAT?! There has to be a mistake. He meant Angela Bringham, or Angela Aston. The rest of the teams were called and I was definitely still on Mac’s team. This new team is almost my first team except we have Nikki and not Sarah. Shannon and Scotty gave us thirty minutes to find a quiet place and take the changes to the Lord. I broke down sobbing. I couldn’t stop crying. I didn’t understand. Why Lord did I not change? I don’t belong on that team. Surely you heard my heart’s cry.
I thought I had cried everything out, but when I walked downstairs and saw Phil who had wanted team changes as much as I did and he moved off our team I lost it. I broke down once again in his arms. My eyes were swollen and I couldn’t breathe. I hate crying in front of people. Slowly we made our way to our new teams to sit down together and worship and take communion. I couldn’t do it. I just brought my knees to my chest and just listened silently praying for God to move and the tears were still flowing. Nikki came over and started talking to me and I lost it again only this time my nose turned into a faucet. I couldn’t stop crying. Sarah came over to me and took me upstairs because she knows that I don’t like crying in front of people and she wanted to pray over me. Sarah ended up being a big source of encouragement. When we went back downstairs everything had ended and Mac walked up to me with communion, but I didn’t take it. I couldn’t. I was upset and it wouldn’t be a good idea to take it if my heart wasn’t in it.
Shannon saw my and told me that bus ride to the border she was sitting next to me. I went to bed that night exhausted, but I didn’t sleep well. When the morning came and we boarded the bus I poured my heart out to Shannon.
“Shannon I don’t know what to do. For the last three months I have been praying so much about team changes and then they happen after my team swore up and down and there were no more team changes, but there were team changes and I don’t change. I am not myself on this team. I can’t even think. I am always having to check my attitude, my tone of voice, my body language around my team. I feel like I have been climbing up the steepest mountain side by my fingernails. I am tired of just surviving. I am tired of not being myself. I am tired of just having to endure. I am tired of feedbacking my team on the same things over and over and over again. This is not what the world race is about and it’s not fair to anyone, especially my supporters if I just endure for 4 more months. I didn’t know how much I had placed my hope on team changes until they happened and nothing changed. Now I just feel like that guy who had a boulder fall in his arm. I can just hang there in pain, hoping and praying for the end to come quickly. Fighting every step of the way to find joy and the strength to go out and love like Jesus would. Or I can cut off my arm and go home. It will be excruciating pain and I will be altered forever and always have that stump of an arm to remind me that I gave up and walked away from what I was called to do, but I will come alive again. It seems like a lose-lose situation.”
We talked some more and was encouraging. She said that I was supposed to be on that team. That change was going to come through me. That I have to step up and be bolder. I really don’t want to. It terrifies me, but I am tired of just getting by. I will fight this month like no other. It’s going to get messy. Really messy. It’s going to be emotional. It’s going to be some other things, but change has to happen or at the end of the race I will be drained of everything I have. If you all, my lovely and faithful supporters could just send up a million prayers for me I would be forever grateful. Also pray for health and protection now that we have entered Africa for three months.
She never slows down.
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain
She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down.
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain
(Chorus X 3)
