Without really realizing it, The Race becomes its own little world. The 35 people you travel around the world with becomes your family, and like families do, you get in a swing of things that become every day norms. You don’t realize how comfortable you’ve gotten in your own little world, forgetting about the real world back home until someone from the outside comes knocking on the door, wanting to step into what you’ve been experiencing the past 7 months. That’s what I realized when I heard the words “the parents are here” about 2 weeks ago. We had been in Nicaragua all of 18 hours after over 2 days of traveling and all the sudden my parents were waiting for me outside of our hostel. If I’m being 100% honest, I had a mini panic attack. Me and 2 squadmates (I won’t name names in case you parents are reading this….sorry Mom and Dad!) actually decided to take a minute (we timed it) to calm down before going out to greet our parents. Don’t get me wrong, it was a great week serving alongside my parents and getting to know my new family’s parents, but letting them into our world was hard. I didn’t really know why it was so overwhelming until the day came that I had to say goodbye to my 5 best friends on the squad for a long 2 and a half months as well as say goodbye to my parents who I’d see again in a short 2 and a half months.
You see the parents brought a little piece of home with them, and with that little piece of home came the realization that actually being home was coming very soon. You’d think after 7 months of sleeping pads, twin mattresses on the floor, bunk beds with plastic over them, and lumpy hostel beds I’d be begging for my comfy queen sized bed and Tempur Pedic pillow. In fact, I would love to sleep in my own bed with my really great pillow, but when I picture myself there in my room, I can’t help thinking about how none of my new family will be sleeping next to me or in the next room. I can’t help thinking about how many miles will be between me and the people that I spent the last 9 months laughing and crying and learning and growing and breaking down and building up with. I can’t help thinking about how being in my bed means that all of this has come to an end.
Since saying goodbye to my parents and squad a little over a week ago, I’ve thought a lot about going home. And I’m torn between dreading it and yearning for it. I’m scared as hell for all of this to be over. I’m scared to go home to everything being the same way it was when I left nearly 7 months ago. I’m not the same. How do I go back to the place I couldn’t wait to get out of when it hasn’t changed with me? How do I go back to the place that I felt was sucking the life out of me after experiencing true life around the world? They say stay present, but how can I stay present when I know what’s coming has the ability to break me? I’m different, but what if home takes that from me? And yet, I’m counting down the days. I’m so excited for my next race to start. I can’t wait to see what home holds and what’s to come after home. I can’t help feeling exhausted from the past 7 months. I can’t help wishing I was with everyone who isn’t here. I can’t help dreaming about all that the future holds.
I’ve wrestled with these conflicting feelings about going home for the past week and it’s been nothing less of exhausting. But I’m done worrying about how I’m going to say my final goodbyes to my squad and obsessing over what the plane ride from Houston to Kansas City is going to be like without any of the people I traveled with the past 9 months on it. What I’ve realized is that the Lord is asking me to trust Him about going home the same way He asked me to trust Him a year ago when I sent in my application for The World Race Gap Year. It was about this time last year I started thinking about how I was going to say goodbye to my family and friends and get on a plane to the other side of the world by myself. What I’ve learned is that I wasn’t alone 7 months ago when I boarded that plane to the Philippines. Like He always is, the Lord was by my side, and like He always does, the Lord provided a family and friends for me to go on this journey with. So now He’s asking me to trust that He will be my side on that domestic flight and that He will continue to provide the family and friends I need for the next part of my journey. I would be lying if I said that I was at complete peace with going home in 2 months because the Lord told me to trust Him and everything will be alright. It’s still scary. But I can trust Him, so I will.
Until the time comes to board that final flight, I’m going to enjoy every last second of this crazy adventure. And I’m going to hold onto the promise that the Lord is trustworthy.
