Training camp.
It’s hard to sum up what happened in the last 10 days.
My heart shifted. My thoughts were altered. Who I thought I was shattered.
Training camp.
It’s hard. It’s refreshing. It’s physically, emotionally and spiritually draining.
Training camp.
I slept in a tent everyday. I took ice cold bucket showers in 50 degree weather. I hiked 3 miles in 47 minutes while carrying my 35lb. backpack. (holla to the Lord for getting me through that monster of a hike)
I went into training camp knowing that I was going to have to battle with my demons, that I had built up bitterness and anger toward people and that I didn’t accept Jesus’s love for me because I couldn’t even love myself.
The way Adventure in Missions structure their training camp is brilliant. The first 4 days are geared toward inner healing and the last 5 days is learning what to expect on the field.
The first 4 days were the toughest. Shedding light on my sin and shame wasn’t fun. I dreaded it because I knew that in order to fully grab onto Jesus I HAD to deal with everything I had surpassed the last 3 years.
For those who do not know, 3 years ago I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with a boy who wasn’t very kind to me. His words were like knives that made me feel less than.
I received counseling and thought I was over it but as it turned out I never actually forgave him. Instead I swept it under the rug and said I was fine but inside I hated him with every bone in my body. I wished harm on him and didn’t even bat an eye to it. After this relationship I fell into a deep depression. Suicidal thoughts became daily occurrences. Until training camp I experienced an overwhelming amount of sadness; when I woke up, when I fell asleep, when I was alone. It never ceased.
Deep sadness stems from an unforgiving heart.
This was the moment I stopped caring for myself. I didn’t care to share my thoughts, feelings, or any part of me with anyone because his words held so much power over me. I began to declare over myself that I was unlovable and that I would never be enough for people.
On the 3rd night of training camp I experienced freedom in it’s rawest form. I finally forgave the people I had been holding onto. I released them from my death grip because I couldn’t bare the burden of unforgiveness anymore. It had made me an ugly woman who reached for blood instead of the cross.
Sometimes forgiveness isn’t for the other person, it’s for you.
From this moment, EVERYTHING CHANGED. I was no longer being pulled by Jesus, I was walking right next him. Nothing is holding me back; not the negative words that have been spoken over me, not thoughts of self worth, not the looming presence of those who wronged me. Instead I am walking with freedom and I cannot tell you how great this is! I AM ENOUGH BECAUSE JESUS SAYS SO AND THAT IS SO STICKIN’ RAD!!
Training camp is where I finally understood that I am a daughter to the KING and no one can tell me differently. I am enough. I am beautiful. I am free from all bitterness and anger. I am loved more than I will ever be able to comprehend. But the best part is so are you. I pray that freedom is on your doorstep and that you let it in. I promise you, you won’t regret it!
Your (free) world racer,
Andy Ramirez
ps. shout out to Sam for reading this. You are the true MVP!
