It’s me. I know it’s been awhile. I kind of fell off the edge of the world and am just crawling out of it.
A lot has happened since we last spoke.
Change.
Growth.
Puddles of tears.
Frustration.
Peace.
Sadness.
Anxiety TO THE MAX.
Disappointment.
Freedom.
Breakthrough.
Grace.
Grace.
Grace.
and a whole lot of love.
You see I want to apologize to you. It’s difficult for me to put into words what this trip is, all that I’m learning and seeing and being a part of. So instead of telling the stories in my head I freeze and can’t seem to capture anything for you. I’m overly cautious of being too honest about this experience because you all supported me in huge ways financially and spiritually that I want it to be an experience worthy of conversation. I sit here replaying everything in my mind trying to pick the right words to describe what my life is lately that will leave you all feeling great about your support instead of sharing the truth.
But I owe it to you. You deserve to see what I see. So here is the God honest truth about the last 2.5 months. Pull up a seat, grab a cup coffee and brace yourself.
Europe was hard. I know, sounds crazy because well IT’S EUROPE AND PERFECT but no matter how perfect something may seem doesn’t mean it actually is.
Europe was dark and apathetic. It was the most spiritually dry I’ve been in the longest time. Spending time with Jesus was like pulling teeth. The sorrowful climate of the country made its way to the depths of my soul and took over. I didn’t want to care but yet I still needed too. Oh, the human internal struggle of everyday life.
Montenegro was the most beautiful place I will probably ever see in my whole entire life. If I could paint a picture of paradise Montenegro would be it. My team was one of the only teams to live on the beach that month(summer months, higher prices, you know money, world race budge. We were lucky.)
So it was a true gift to live there. Thirty second walk to the beach, spending everyday in my bathing suit and eating ice cream just about everyday because I could. The living was great but my spirit wasn’t.
Truth is that first month in Europe was the hardest ministry month yet.
A culture so similar to America was strange and uncomfortable. I wasn’t ready to be home yet I was living in a place so very much like it.
Europe was beautiful but being missionaries in Europe is a whole other story.
People are far too pretty which makes them intimidating to talk to and brings up every insecurity that dwells in you.
Their lives seemed far more normal than what we had just seen in Africa.
Culture shock was real and it wasn’t slowing down with each passing day.
When you think of missionaries you think of people working in some of the poorest places in the world not the opposite. So Europe was hard to say the least.
It’s crazy because in Africa I remember wanting so badly to get out of there and get back to what I was used to. But in Europe I wanted something less normal because what I was getting reminded me too much of home and the reasons I left it behind.
I guess, no matter where we are in the world we won’t ever be content. We are a people who want more when we have less and want less when we have everything.
An endless cycle of discontentment.
Our host called it “friendship evangelism” which meant we would go down to the shore in a crowded area and play our guitars and talk with people who came and listened. We would get to know them, hang out, etc.
I know what you’re thinking, “this sounds like a dream why would making friends be so hard?”
It shouldn’t have been but coming out of Africa where we did the exact same thing everyday for 3 months straight leaves you burnt out of having to make friends all the time.
My team wanted tangible ministry. Something to show of our hard work. We wanted to be able to see something at the end of the month. So making it to Montenegro where we spent another month only “making friends” was hard, tiring and disappointing.
It honestly made me consider what the heck I am doing on the race because this was certainly not what I had signed up for. I was reaching my limit.
But a week before we were leaving to Romania I sat with the Lord and pleaded over tangible ministry for the next month.
Well people our God answers prays. He does because Romania was just that, tangible.
Romania was more work than we even thought we would get. It was great!
We worked with an organization that helped kids within the foster system. We lived at the center which was a great space, a fantastic kitchen, and where we spent our ministry days.
Our days consisted of organizing every room in that house. The house was HUGE and had stuff everywhere! I mean everywhere. By the end of the month we turned that cluttered center into a well- organized sanctuary for the kids. It was awesome!
But even when you get your answered prayer it doesn’t mean everything else will be perfect.
That month my team experienced our first awkward host situation.
Very long story short, at the beginning of the month we loved this ministry, believed in all that they did, supported and respected the founder. The month was panning out to be the best month yet but life is never that easy. We are people and people make things messy. It’s natural.
Our host had two teenage kids, both fostered by her. They were wonderful, snarky, funny, charming and exactly like us. It was a beautiful friendship.
These kids shared some of their darkest thoughts with us. They cried. They expressed their hurts, their worries, their dreams. We were the first people they were able to fully be themselves around. That’s huge!
Life is hard already I can’t imagine walking through it having to wear a different mask for the sake of other people, especially the ones closest to you.
We came to find out that their mother, our host, was incredibly strict and hurtful to them. She treated them very different than her adopted daughter. She would guilt trip them to staying with her though they wanted to move. She used Jesus to her advantage and would tell the kids that if they did something she didn’t approve of that Jesus didn’t love them and that they would go to hell. This is the bare minimum, I honestly wish I could say more but it was sad and awful and ugly.
These kids had the most twisted view of Jesus and forgiveness and grace. It hurt to see and know that all you could do was pray.
Though our host was a Christian she had very different views than my team and I.
She didn’t believe in Christians having piercings and tattoos. (Side note, half of my team fits that description)
It wasn’t til the end of the month that my team got wind that our host and her husband didn’t like us. We could tell there was a shift throughout the month but we didn’t know what it was or if it even had to do with us because we were working hard, getting everything done and going above and beyond what was asked of us. So learning that she didn’t like us or approve of us hurt. To make things worse, she wouldn’t let her kids hang out with us anymore because we were bad influences. Guys, it was awkward so so awkward.
There is so much more I could tell you but there wouldn’t be enough time or space.
But I wouldn’t change any of it.
Why?
This was a perfect opportunity for my team to practice grace and turning the other cheek. It was hard because we were incredibly hurt and caught off guard but we knew that we needed to finish this month still loving this family and working hard for this organization. We needed to walk in a manner that wouldn’t leave room for them to question our integrity, our character or our relationship with the Father.
We finished the month and headed to PVT, also known as Parent Vision Trip. This is where the parents of our squad got the opportunity to fly out and do ministry with us for a week.
Since my parents were not able to come I was placed on serve team which meant that I would be working with all the racers whose parents couldn’t make it and we would be responsible for serving the racers and their parents.
Honestly, I hated it. Not because my parents weren’t there. I was fine with that. It didn’t bother me but what did was the way serve team was treated.
One thing I struggle with is feeling less than in any situation something I have to work on I’m aware but this case really brought out this insecurity.
I was on kitchen duty, the worst position of all.
We were in charge of prepping the meals, feeding the families and cleaning up once they were done. I felt more like the help and not a racer for that week. It sucked. But it ended like all bad situations do, praise!
Alright folks, last leg of this thing. Bare with me.
We have finally made it to Asia! Cambodia to be exact.
This month we are working with a church teaching English to the local kids. It’s crazy! So many kids and so much to teach them. I laugh because I am by no means an English teacher but you know if they ask you say yes and do it.
We are living with a bunch of college students and well it’s interesting…
I’m currently sleeping in a random room on the 4th floor of a random building apart of our church. I’m sharing this room with 4 other people and sleeping on a small pad on the ground with 3 fans and no AC. And this is Asia so it’s very hot, all the time. We share 3 stalls that each have a toilet and a small faucet to shower. We share that with the 12 other college students living on our floor. The kitchen is filled with ants and baby cockroaches that never seem to go away.
But despite all of the external things going on there are moments throughout the race that remind me of the beauty I get to do.
Last Friday, my team led the college bible study. I shared with them how the Lord delights in them.
They can just breathe and He delights in them.
How they move and He delights.
I encouraged them to find their gifts, those things that make their heart pound with pure joy and satisfaction.
My team and I went around and prayed for each student individually, that they would know their gifts and fulfill them. We played one last song and in that sweet, soft moment I heard the Lord say, “ask if anyone wants a relationship with me.”
I was nervous and thought back, “what if they say no?”
“There is no harm in asking.”
So I did.
And immediately two students shot up their hands and said yes to Jesus. They said yes to a relationship, yes to living a life for His glory. So my team and I led them through the prayer and it was beautiful.
It was one of those moments that made me look back at the last 2.5 months and all that had happened, the disappointment in ministry, the rude host, the frustration of PVT, and the constant sweat bath I was in. None of those things mattered because it brought me to this moment right here. Freedom, salvation and the sweetness of our Father.
Truth is the race isn’t what it’s all cracked up to be. If I’m being honest I wouldn’t recommend it lightly. But there are these moments that are too sweet for words and make it worth it.
All of it.
