I’m naked in the wilderness.
I’m a sculpture standing in the midst of wolves.
I’m naked in the wilderness.
Layer by layer I feel the burden that keeps me captive, that keeps my dependence.
He says, “it’s time. It’s time to re-sculpt.”
He says, “I have more for you”
“Okay”
He says, ” I’m going to sculpt you to your original frame. It’s going to take time but trust me, okay?”
“Okay”
Layer one:
A boy
You were good for me but because of my humanness you quickly turned bad. You soon became a daily thought, a total consumption of my mind. You no longer were good for me.
My Father knew.
He knew all of what you made me feel.
My Father knew you were the first layer that needed to go.
You were keeping me from my original image.
He said, “give him to me sweet girl.”
“Okay” even in all of my resistance.
The scary part of giving up anything is not knowing whether you will ever get it back. But that’s where trusting in who you hand it to comes in.
I hoped I would get you back but months later you aren’t even a thought. Your layer is gone and I’m closer to who I was made to be.
Layer two:
Alcohol
You made me feel sad.
You left me emptier. You lead me to believe I’m no fun without you, that I would be invisible if I didn’t have you.
You lied, every time.
But still I drank you in. Like a flower soaking in water, you quenched my need for approval.
I drank you knowing what I knew.
The sad truth is that I believed you, in all of your lies covered in false truth.
But my Father knew.
He knew all of what you made me feel.
My Father knew you were the next layer that needed to go.
You were keeping me from my original image.
He said, “daughter, give me the alcohol. You don’t need it. Who you are is enough, hand it to me.”
“Okay….but Dad, help me because my mind tells me I’m boring without it and I believe it.”
In all gentleness, “Love, I will. Trust me.”
It’s been 2 months since our last encounter and I don’t miss you or your lies. You kept me from myself and for that I’ll never look at you the same.
Layer three:
My backpack
You brought me comfort in the little I had. You brought me beauty when I thought I had none. You gave me a home away from home.
You were in charge of my entire life. My trust was in you. All that I owned you carried.
You told me the more I have the better. That stuff is good because you could carry it even though I couldn’t…
But you also brought a reminder of my reliance on material things instead of God.
When I thought of survival, I thought of you.
When I thought of trust, I thought of you.
When I thought of who I was, I always thought of you.
But my Father was jealous. He was jealous of you because you took the place of His ability and desire to provide all things for me.
My Father knew.
He knew all of what you made me feel.
My Father knew you were the third layer that needed to go.
You were keeping me from my original image.
He said, “Andy, leave everything behind. Let go. I will provide for you just like I always have. I will give you a home. I will give you clothes. I will give you food. I know everything you need before you even say a word, when it is merely a thought. Let me be enough for you.”
Days past, as I knew you would be the hardest one yet to leave behind. My humanness pulled me away from what my Dad was asking of me.
But even through my resistance I desired to please the lover of my soul.
“Okay.”
“I’m proud of you”, He reminded me.
You convinced me that I couldn’t live without you. You were wrong. It’s been a month since I left you behind and life without you is simple. It’s exactly how it was created to be. I’m becoming exactly who I was created to be and I’m doing it without you.
*For clarification, I dropped my 65L backpack in Peru. It held my tent, sleeping bag, half of my clothes and more. For the rest of the race (8 months) I am living with one 23L backpack that is filled with clothes, a mosquito net, and toiletries. (for those of you who do not know what 23L looks like, it is the size of the backpack you would use for school). I am living only with the essentials and trusting God for the rest.*
As I am learning, each layer has taken my dependence, my reliance off of God. These pieces have supported my frame, leaving me desperate for them. But Jesus is chipping away layer after layer only to uncover my original self.
I’ve forgotten the beauty of originality but the sweetness of the Lord reminds me.
More layers have come, forgiveness, Netflix, my family, hurt, and in time more will be revealed. So I ask for your prayer because this race is getting harder in every area. But I want a warrior spirit in all seasons of my life because it deserves my best.
Jesus deserves my best.
I’m naked in the wilderness.
I’m a sculpture standing in the midst of wolves protected by God Himself.
I’m naked in the wilderness but the sculptor hides my bare frame.
He says, “In time you will be seen. Be patient. Masterpieces take time my love.”
Layer by layer I feel the burden lessen, it longer has a hold of my dependence.
