As she ask me if we want pineapple juice or chocolate milk for breakfast, I feel myself begin to panic.
“What do I say?”
The look of confusion crosses both of our faces as we try having a simple conversation about what to drink for breakfast that morning. I couldn’t answer her. I couldn’t think of the proper words to use. My mind, that is usually full of words, was then emptied and filled with frustration in knowing, once again, I, the Latin one, cannot speak Spanish.
Understanding a new language is difficult. It’s frustrating when you can’t speak but all you want to do is talk. Words are incredibly important to me; the usage of them, the order, the way one word can make all the difference literally excites me. Communication geek at it’s finest here.
So being here in Cali and not being able to carry on a single conversation is THE MOST challenging part of this entire journey. Being of the Mexican culture I should be able to speak Spanish, right? Well 23 year old Andy is really peeved at 13 year old Andy for not ever wanting to learn from her grandma. I regret thinking this language isn’t necessary. To be so naive to think that English is the only language to be learned or grasped is an incredibly Americanized thought.
The funniest, yet most humorless, part of it all is that I can understand what is being said; in every conversation, every word, every joke. Understanding is not the problem, speaking it is.
Today at our ministry site we were split into groups of 3 to begin evangelism in the city, some groups had translators and others do not. As my ministry host is assigning everyone to a group I am literally crossing my fingers for a translator because I know I can’t make it without one. He finally gets to me, last of course, and tells me that I will be with two locals who know absolutely no English, zip zero none.
Cool, pair the Latina who can’t speak Spanish with two Colombians who can’t speak English. This is going to go great…
I was about to share the gospel with people who I couldn’t have a conversation with. The gospel is centered around a 2-way conversation with people. In my mind this was not going to happen because of the language barrier that was before me.
The thing is, I am trying, what feels like the hardest I have ever tried but it isn’t sticking. I can’t remember simple words that you learn in Spanish 1. Words aren’t coming as easy for me as they always have. Today was the breaking point for me. The nail in the coffin that confirmed that I was a failure within my culture. I am a Mexican girl who can’t even speak Spanish. In the eye’s of the Colombians around me, I am expected to know the language. The fact that I can understand but not speak is an entirely new concept for them. In their minds it should be second nature but unfortunately that is not my reality.
Being able to understand but not able to share my thoughts is incredibly painful. I feel embarrassed every time someone ask my ministry host or his family if I speak Spanish. I look Mexican so I should be able to speak it right?
“No, she understands everything but cannot speak it.”
The look on their faces as they explain that a Latina woman can understand it all but cannot speak back, in what should be her native language, feels like the biggest disappointment. I feel shameful. Useless. Not Mexican enough. Too American. Disconnected. Silent. Embarrassed. But most of all, frustrated.
So today all of these emotions flowed from my face to the streets of Cali. I cried out my frustrations on our way to ministry; praying that these people understand the Gringo coming to share the story of Jesus.
One of the best things about Jesus is that He knows no language barriers. Not only that He allows people to break down those barriers with the Holy Spirit. Today I talked and prayed with several Colombians who knew absolutely no English and I firmly believe they understood every word of what I said. Language had no hold what what Jesus had for these people today.
I am thankful that He uses the Mexican, American, English speaking girl who cries on the streets of Colombia to break down every wall that prohibits understanding.
Your world racer,
Andy
