You really want to know what life is like in Africa?
What being on the race really looks like?
Honestly, it’s hard. It’s one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
Each day the thought of going home seems more and more appealing.
To go back to my family and friends who know and love me.
To eat whatever I want whenever I want.
And to not be constantly worried about getting robbed.
The past 3 months have made me want to quit, go home and never ever leave again.
I don’t want to eat the same chicken and rice meal anymore.
I don’t want to be asked for money every time I step out the door.
I don’t want to be constantly stared at as if I’m a piece of meat.
I’m tired of being fearful to walk the streets.
I’m tired of having to fill a bucket with water just so I can flush the toilet.
I’m tired of taking public transportation.
I’m sick of the water turning off mid shower.
I’m sick of the electricity shutting off.
I’m sick of living in a place that has no stores.
I’m sick of having to always be “on”.
Folks, I’ve hit that half way point that everyone warned us about.
The point of not caring anymore, of wanting to go home, of choosing to tap out early.
I’m officially there.
I’m burnt out and have grown weary of doing good.
And I hate it.
A year ago today, I couldn’t stop thinking about the race. The excitement I had was pure. I had clear vision of knowing THIS was exactly what Jesus wanted of me. I was fearful of the unknown but confident in it all at the same time.
Today, I sit here in Africa, seeing how far He has brought me and wanting that excitement to come back, desiring that confidence and clarity from the Lord again.
But all of my human tendencies seem to be taking over.
I want to be a woman who isn’t defined by her circumstances. Whose mood doesn’t waver in times of suffering. Who doesn’t give up when times get hard.
I want to endure all things with joy.
But being here in Africa where I can’t just give up or quit because it’s hard puts this to the test. Because quitting means going home. And going home means leaving the place where Jesus himself personally brought me. It means letting my attitude, my character, not be defined by my circumstances.
Romans 5:3 says, ” more than that, we rejoice in our suffering, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character and character produces hope and hope DOES NOT put us to shame because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”
We all want to be a good person who has respectable character.
But how do we get there?
By rejoicing in the hard times because that brief moment of suffering breathes to life endurance, the willingness to fight when all you want to do is give up. That endurance is what builds you to have that respectable character you desire.
Africa is kicking me in the ass, fact.
It’s made me want to hang up my gloves and leave.
But I’m not going down without a fight because I don’t want to be quitter. I want to finish this race with endurance and with joy, knowing that by the end my character will strengthened.
The world needs Jesus, more than ever, and I can give that so I’m going to stick around til the end.
Good try Africa, maybe next time but not today.
