“Love isn’t something that we invented. It’s observable, powerful. It has to mean something. Something we can’t yet understand. Love is the one thing that we’re capable of perceiving that transcends dimensions of time and space.”
I’m here writing to you on month six out of nine from Thailand and in a couple weeks I’ll be in Africa. It’s 3 in the morning in Bangkok and these are the thoughts that are keeping me up tonight and countless other nights before.
I can’t repeat this enough: The World Race is not what I expected at all. Being out here away from home for so long you sometimes start to think you are going crazy. I might be crazy. I say I feel crazy because it’s been six months and I feel like the September day I left St. Louis was yesterday. I might be crazy because I constantly have this feeling of loneliness and I’m surrounded by people all day. I feel sad a lot of my time here on the “mission field”. Which for the record I feel ridiculous saying “mission field” as if it actually meant something more, like if it was a warzone or something. It’s not all that glorious. You’ve probably only heard a lot about the romanticized parts of it. Well, this is the real part of it. This is what I feel and go through everyday. We have it really good, I think. I mean we’ve fundraised thousands of dollars to help people who haven’t even seen that much money in their whole lives. The world is such an unfair place and I say that with a feeling of hatred in my heart. That hate comes from my hatred for social injustice and just injustice in general. Who chose for me to be the one born in America and some other poor human being to be born in the slums of a third world country? My experiences so far have opened my eyes to the morbid reality of life outside of America. I understand why America is the greatest country on earth. God surely did bless America.
The best part of The World Race for me is the relationships that are formed with squadmates and locals, and the time you get to spend alone figuring yourself out. Alone with God, that’s all I wanted when I left for the race.
Here’s some advice for future racers: If you’re in a relationship and you’re thinking about going on The World Race. Don’t. Just don’t do it. Stay. If you really love that person then listen to me and stay home. Unless you don’t want to be with that person (then you should probably break up anyway) then stay. I was in a relationship when I started the race, not too long after that I wasn’t. I was an optimist. I thought we could make it, I mean we both loved each other. I guess that wasn’t enough. Maybe it was just chance or fate. I don’t know. I don’t believe in that anymore. You can say, “If you were meant to be together then you would have made it.” No you’re wrong, just shut up right now because who are you to say that If I would have stayed home we would have been fine. Who really knows where I would be if I stayed home or what would have happened in that relationship. I’m not saying I regret coming on The World Race, but I’m also not saying that I don’t feel the pain of what I left at home everyday. The pain is real when I realize that the home I come home to won’t be the home I left. Life moves forward at home and it moves forward in the lives of the people I care about even when I’m not there. I keep thinking that I’ll come back to the home that I left, but that’s not true, not by a long shot. And that’s no condition to trek a nine-month journey. Sometimes I can feel really gung-ho about what lies ahead and other times I suffocate myself with what I could have done differently in the past. None of which are the right way to live. The absolute best way to live is day by day. I’m not hung up on the past. I tell myself everyday I am moving forward with God by my side and I am. Sure, God provides a way for me to make it through. He leads me by still waters. He makes my paths straight. But it’s not easy. It’s not fun. Sometimes it just sucks. He loves me and takes care of me not in the ways that I expect Him to or want Him to, but in a way that puts what I need Him to do before what I want Him to do.
“God is Love”, it might be a phrase you hear a lot. I’m starting to believe more and more that God is Love.
