The other night, I met “D” in a new hostel in Livingstone. D is originally from Holland but has an incredible story because he’s been able to visit so many places. More than that he just is full of life, spontaneity and heart. One way to get to know people better is asking about their tattoos (if they have any). Tattoos can tell you so much about a person and are both an easy and effective conversation starter. In D’s case, he has many tattoos that he got from his time spent in different countries around the world. Most represent the traditional beliefs or rituals from those cultures but there are a few that stood out from the rest. During his time in Thailand, D had the unique opportunity to be tattooed by a Buddhist monk. He has three traditional Buddhist tattoos that connect his spirit (on top of his head) to Buddha (on his upper back) and then a prayer (on his forearm) as a reminder of the lifestyle he now follows. I can’t even tell you have much I love learning about people through their experiences. This world is full of so much beauty and to see the impact it has on people through their own stories is something I try not to take for granted.
Now if you think this about to be a miraculous conversion story you can stop reading, it’s not. But that’s also kind of why I’m writing. After our conversation, the reality of the situation hit me and weighed really heavily on my soul. Here I am in the middle of Africa, running into a guy with a crazy cool background and different belief system than myself. Through many questions, we both share a bit of how and why we believe in the lifestyles we choose to follow but that was it. We end the conversation and the reality of the night is I will probably never run into D again.
I think the reason why this particular conversation weighed so heavily on me is because of the nature of his questions. His questions aren’t new by any means, but I felt the hurt I saw behind his questions. His two biggest questions were, “why doesn’t God choose to speak to everyone, if he chooses to speak to those who believe in him?” (I had to clarify some Christian lingo in my response to his question but I understood what he was wanting to discuss) and the second was “why doesn’t God just reveal himself to be true as opposed to the other world religions out there?”
I’m not about to share my responses to his questions. People have been debating these questions for thousands of years and probably will continue to do so long after I’m gone. Furthermore, there are much better men and women out there who have formed better answers than I could dream of coming up with. That’s not the purpose of this article. But if you are looking for these answers, I pray the Father meets you so beautifully where you’re at as you wrestle through those questions.
I’m writing to share how incredibly difficult I found it to let the conversation end in an agreement of differences. I’m not disappointed with how the conversation went at all. I’m incredibly thankful for Holy Spirit bringing experiences from my life and different Scripture to mind in order to respond to his questions (the best I could in the moment). I think just agreeing to disagree is where I was left feeling unsettled with the conversation. In many Christian circles, some would respond to my unsettledness by saying I planted a seed that night in D’s life and that I have to be ok with not seeing the fruit. But, honestly, that sucks and trusting the Father is really hard for me in this case. How much easier would it have been for me to try to theologically back this dude into a corner until he prayed a prayer that may or may not ease my conscience but, also, may or may not have meant anything to him? How much better would I feel now if he had miraculously understood the “why” behind my answers because Jesus chose to meet him in that moment? It happens sometimes. That didn’t happen that night though. Now I’m left trying to reconcile our conversation with what I know to be true: that God is so so good and that He desires all people to come to know and love but that they are also responsible for choosing that as well. Ultimately, I know that it is truly His Spirit that draws our hearts to come to know Him and that he can work through our imperfect actions and words to that end. But on this side of heaven, that’s all I may have to reconcile this specific encounter.
I know I’m not the one that changes hearts, Holy Spirit does that. That doesn’t make it any easier to sit with how our conversation ended. How many more people like D will I encounter in these next few months, let alone the rest of my life? I rarely experience a feeling like “burden.” That feeling requires a level of empathy that my personality usually never leaves room for. I can easily detach from situations emotionally but for some reason the Father is wanting me to wrestle through this specific conversation with a new perspective that I’m not accustomed to using. My ability to detach and move on is so quick that I rarely see things well in the moment. But the Father wanted me to wait so I could sit and meet Him in the weight of that moment. And then the words from the song “Take Courage” took on a very real meaning for, “He’s in the waiting….”
Empathy is really foreign to me and I often dismiss emotions as unreliable because of how circumstantial they are. But meeting with the Father in this new way gives me another avenue and perspectives to build intimacy with Him and His Spirit. Like anything else in my relationship with the Father, I’m expectant that there will be plenty of opportunities where wrestling through this now will come to allow me to love people better in the future. Outside of knowing that and allowing grace for myself to struggle through this, I need to choose to be content with validating the weight of those feelings and recognize how imperfect and, yet, so so good they can be. This update is just me inviting you into my mess for a moment. I really think the Father just wanted me to take some time and process this experience and then share it with people (which is not something I do very often or at all, but have been growing in it through these updates). I’m learning this is just another opportunity to grow in loving other people well by being content with my imperfections,and continually resting in the arms of the Father. I can only pray that these words can encourage at least one person.
Once again, I ask that you please continue praying for my team as we transition to life in Zimbabwe soon. Don’t forget to check out my team’s blogs (located on the left side of my page) for more updates on what God is doing here in Africa.
