Over the time we had a debrief, God took me through the process of showing me where I have been, where HE has me now, and where HE is leading me in the future. Often times I don’t analyze this because I’m too busy to take the time and sit with God and let HIM speak into these places. However, over the difficult four days of debrief, the LORD got my heart through the hurt and the pain I was carrying around.
These things could have been from when I was little or as soon as yesterday. So know that God has done work throughout my life to transform me into the person I am today (Romans 12:1-2) So here it is…
Where have I been?
-I was living in blindness to my frustrations and wounds.
-I was seeing the world as joyful and exciting with no problems
– I was living with the understanding that my opinion is always right.
-I was believing that I am supposed to give advise and wisdom but taking it is not for me.
-I believed that all my problems were resolved, so I can help resolve others problems
-My understanding was that feedback is not worth hearing because it is always hurtful
-I was believing truth not spoken in love is not truth at all
-communication needed to be between ME and only ME
-I thought that I was effective in MY ministry because I was the one that WORKS and puts the effort in.
-I told myself never debrief because slowing down only allows for missed opportunity to reach the lost
-The World Race was meant for me to help change the world and not for my personal growth.
-I didn’t need to grow because was mature
-PRIDE, I had the mindset that said, “I know what community looks like, I know how to do ministry, I know how to love people.”
-my time was my own and I could decided how to best use it
-It was easier to avoid conflict, talk bad about people, and hold things than actually to talk to them about it.
-There was no purpose in addressing the problems because it would only cause conflict
-I believed conflict was a bad thing
-I was leadership hungry and wanted to step into those opportunities
-I wanted to be seen as a leader and respected
-I was believing that if a man is willing to lead then the women should follow.
-I didn’t want to follow anyone, but I wanted everyone to follow me.
-I expected leadership to pursue me, but I thought to myself that I shouldn’t have to pursue leadership.
-I was unaware of cultural norms
-I hated being alone.
Where I am?
-I am starting to see more of my weaknesses and my faults
-I am becoming aware of wounds and hurts
-I see the world good place, but it is a difficult place full of lies and hurts
-It is easy to see that my opinion is right, but I am learning to see others opinions and how they are right or sometimes even more right than my own.
-I have problems and I am by no means able to fix anyone’s problems.
-I’m dependent on God and I know I can’t do anything, but HE does everything
– I need wisdom from others and I also need to share my wisdom with others
-I am understanding that feedback includes encouragement and isn’t supposed to be negative. It’s supposed to be helpful and beneficial.
-I believe truth is best received when it’s spoken in love, truth in itself is truth but can’t be received as well without love.
-I believe that communication involves intentionality and isn’t supposed to be about me. It takes work form the listener and the speaker.
– I am not effective at all in ministry, God has to do the work. I can’t do anything on my own.
-Debriefing is necessary for me to continue to be effective verses being drained and not learning from mistakes or understanding what I am learning or where God is leading me.
-The World Race is more about my personal run with the Lord than it ever has been about me changing the world. (For me, this was a hard truth to swallow).
– I may feel mature, but I need to mature way more especially emotionally and spiritually.
-I am learning what authentic community actually looks like. Ministry actually looks best when it’s done through the body.
-I now understand that my time is not my own, it’s God’s and I should highly consider asking HIM how I should use it.
-It is still harder to talk to people about difficult issues regarding conflict, yet I see the benefit in bringing up hard conversations verses holding it in or expressing it to others
-I believe addressing the problem can cause healthy conflict, understanding, and growth.
-I now understand that conflict can be healthy and good.
-I understand how leadership is harder than I thought and I am learning how hard it is for me to follow.
-I still have a desire to be seen as a leader and respected even though I rarely feel that way.
-My respect for women has changed tremendously as I have seen fierceness and leadership that I wish more men would grasp.
-I need to follow others because in many areas they are the way better than I could ever be especially when they step into the gifts God has given them and their identity in Christ
-I believe leadership needs to be pursued as they pursue others
-I still have trouble understanding cultural norms but trying to learn to be more sensitive (For example, I shaved my beard which I was growing since the start of the race).
-I highly dislike being alone, but it’s more the feeling of loneliness over actually being alone (Biggest realization).
-I see my pride and the struggle to want to be humble
-I see how hard it is for me to slow down
-I know that debriefing is a hard process for me
-I don’t know myself as well as I thought.
-I don’t know what I don’t know.
-I understand that my wounds go deeper than I thought.
-I am realize that I still believe deeply rooted lies and still hold on to emotions
-I have found myself gossiping about some people and not addressing the issues. I do address the issues with some people but not everyone.
-I hang on to what is comfortable and what I know is safe.
-I don’t want to stop to process, I just want to play a match (Like a kid who just wants to scrimmage for soccer practice).
-I love others and practice hearing them
-I give hard feedback with love as best as I know how.
-I know now that my humility is growing because of the understanding that I need people.
-I know it is hard for me to let go of the past, or realize the future until the very moment things happen.
-I still want to do and it’s hard for me to just be.
-I hate being alone still
Where I am going?
-going to force myself to slow down
-be disciplined to do the things I don’t even feel like doing
-need to have conversations and bring up feedback in a timely manner
-run to the Lord
-analyze where I have been, where I am, and where I am going more often.
-pray for myself more
-renew my mind in scripture every morning and every night.
-walk in humility and be willing to follow
Know that God is good and in the midst of the pain and the hurt, HE uses it for good and transforms us into new people (Romans 8:28, 12:1-2).Thank you for reading this update and know that your prayers mean so much to me.
