A quick shower, another fast meal, another ministry opportunity, another chance to give away what I received. Pouring out everything I had and often… trying to give more than I had.
This was the life of the old Andy in San Antonio. God moved in some amazing ways over the last few years. The time I took to rest under the fountain of God’s love made me so eager to share all that love I received. Ministry that was sourced from what God gave me was not only the most powerful, but it wasn’t draining. Rather it was a significant part of my entire life’s purpose, bringing glory to my Savior.
Then came the spiritually dry seasons. After being so used to the pace of ministry, I made a big mistake. I started to spend less and less time in private intimacy with God. As time went on I started to experience some burn-out. God used some close brothers insight to help me reveal this blind spot of mine.
So throughout this time of feeling as if I were overflowing with the love of God, to the times that good things felt like a chore. The enemy used this as a smokescreen to sneak in the real attack at my foundation. Identity, and my need for others approval on what it should look like.
I received so many words of praise and affirmation that the lie, I need to hear approval from others to be approved, started to grow. My fear of man began to take root. When I grow closer to God I fear Him so much more than man. I hungered for His approval and His word confirmed that He did approve. The best part…it wasn’t dependant on my actions or abilities. When Christ died for me, he not only wiped the slate of sin clean, he became what God sees when he looks at me. He no longer remembers the sins of my past and inabilities to meet a standard. I AM LOVED BY HIM. IT IS WHO I AM.
At our training camp we had an awesome teacher named Deon. He had a thick South African accent and a beautiful simplicity to His wise lessons. The one that really stuck with me was this:
We love FROM the approval of God; not FOR the approval of God
For the last week culture shock hit me pretty hard, but in an unexpected way. After completing a 3 day, 10,000 mile journey that landed me in Battambang Cambodia a week ago, my brain has been in a fog for the most of the last week. While I have loved the opportunity to serve, I am still fighting to remain present and have full clarity of mind. The lack of operating at my fullest has started to reveal the feeling that I am incapable and as though I am lacking anything to offer. That is…until I saw what bible says about that.
“Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. -Galations 1:10”
[ I ] speak as those approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel. We are not trying to please people but God, who tests our hearts. 1 Thess. 2:4
If anyone speaks, he should speak as one conveying the words of God. If anyone serves, he should serve with the strength God supplies, so that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom be the glory and the power forever and ever. Amen. -1 Peter 4:11
This is the truth I am believing. Since I exchanged my life, for the life of Jesus I am a free person. This means that when God looks at me He sees what Jesus did and holds no condemnation towards me. When man looks at me, they do not know my heart. Even as much as I try to explain it to them, they may never understand, but that’s ok!
I promised y’all when I started this race that I would share an honest view of my heart and the realities I face abroad with Christ. I would be a liar if I said it was easy to put my heart on a blog and posted to the internet, but I just want you to know that I am open to any questions or thoughts you have about any of this.
My prayer is that through this blog, I can not only let people who know me updates on my life, but rather share just how amazing Jesus is and the freedom that he offers.
CULTURE TIME! Here is a glimpse of everyday life for people in Battambang.
First of all is is pronouced, Bottombong not bang, and it means “The Lost Stick.”
It smells strongly of incense burning from the nearby Buddhist temples, stagnant water, and the next meal of rice cooking; the sight of lush green banana and palm trees, the feeling of the Florida-like humid heat, and the vast array of insects that love me; the sounds of the morning call to prayer and Buddish chanting blasting over a loudspeaker, dogs who nearby who love to bark ALL NIGHT LONG, the loud thumping of the bass from the Water Festival taking place on the main street, the sound of motorcycles zooming past.
This is everyday life in Battambang.
The bathrooms are mostly “wet-rooms” in Cambodia. Meaning that from floor to halfway up the wall is tiled and has a shower head. Toilet paper is very hard on the septic systems here so, if by some miracle your bathroom has toilet paper then you have to throw it into a trash can next to the toilet. Most people “wipe” using a sprayer located where the TP normally is. The entire bathroom being soaking wet 24/7 has definitely taken some getting used to.
Living in a shack on stilts with no air conditioning…
A large majority of “houses” (shacks) in the city have a little convenience store in the front with shampoos, some odd flavors of chip-like snacks and a variety of some drinks and always Coca-Cola products.
Showing up “on-time” typically means much later than actually on-time…
This is everyday life in Battambang! If you have any questions please ask in the comments!
I am making a movie of our time spent serving, ministering, loving and adventuring here soon, so keep an eye out!
Your’s in Christ,
Andy
