Hey guys. So this has been a long time coming and it’s a lot. I am about to be very vulnerable and am only asking to be understood (even though this will probably make the least amount of sense, more so than most of what I have said before).
So first of all, let me back up to January of this year.
My parents came to launch, and when I was saying goodbye to the both of them, I had the strangest thought:
What if this is the last time I see my dad alive?
Wow, I hated that. How I wish I could say I didn’t have it, but I would be lying. It was the most FOREIGN thought I could have had and had NO basis for reason. Until about a week or two later.
About a week into my time on the Race, I got news from my family that literally every Racer fears hearing: my dad had been diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma, a type of skin cancer. Normally, it’s very treatable when found early, but my dad had a very complicated problem: his cancer was on his tonsils, so we had no idea until he got diagnosed what was really going on. It was already very large by the time we found it. My dad had been having issues with terrible sleep apnea, and he was tired all the time because of it. When he went to the doctor to get it checked out, we found out it was a tumor. At first they thought it was lymphoma, but it wasn’t. Either way, though, we all knew this was going to be a very complicated treatment plan.
The oncologist decided that surgery was the best option, but when they did finally operate on him, they were only able to remove part of the tumor. Because of the size of it, it could not be completely removed with surgery, so they advised my dad that radiation was the best way to go about it.
Now let me just say… I’m a surgical oncology nurse. I personally do not have much experience with different kinds of chemo and radiation because we don’t normally give these treatments on my floor. You don’t normally have surgery and ongoing cancer treatments at the same time unless certain specific needs arise. Surgery is dangerous enough when you are not dealing with chemo and all the side effects associated with it. For me, I was still really confused as to what was going on. Wifi connections are sometimes hard to come by on the Race, so it was also really difficult to get a lot of information on what was going on. All I knew for a while was that my dad was very sick, the treatment plans were not working out as originally planned, and that my dad had mentioned repeatedly that he was at peace with whatever outcome came from this battle with cancer. My dad had cancer before and he beat it. But this time was different, and he knew so from the beginning.
Now imagine what is going on in my head. I had just left for the World Race and received what could be some of the worst news anyone could receive during the Race. AND that super weird intrusive thought at Launch! What do I do with that? I started working through it in a really weird way. At first I wasn’t sure what to think. Me and my dad had previously had our own struggles, sure. Who doesn’t have problems with family from time to time. But I still felt a huge burden for him. I wasn’t sure what he was fully feeling or how my family was doing. I was scared for them most of all. I am one of the peacekeepers in my family. What can I do from all the way out here to bring them peace? I felt like I could handle it ok, but was I really allowing myself to feel the fullness of this diagnosis? What did this mean for me and my Race? This changes EVERYTHING…
So you would think naturally that I would want to go home, right? Why am I still here on the World Race, in the middle of month 9, instead of at home with my family?
I mentioned before that in Colombia (month 1 of my Race), the Lord gave me a series of visions. Whether you believe in them or not is a different story, but these I believe 100% to be from the Lord. In part of one of my visions, I was in heaven exploring the Kingdom of God. The FIRST person that I remember seeing there as my dad. And let me tell you, I have NEVER seen my dad so happy. He was the most joy-filled person I had ever seen him to be. He had all the peace in the world, as if he was saying, “All is good. It’s all worked out for good.” He didn’t actually say anything though. We just stood there and looked at each other. We didn’t have anything to say… just smiles all around. And in that moment, our relationship was better than it ever had been on the earth.
It was THEN that I had peace and knew that all was good. The Lord had my dad in His hands and was going to work it out in the end. Whether that meant He was going to take my dad home now or after several more years, I did not know (nor do I now know). But I know that with our differences aside, my dad and I both have a relationship with Jesus. It may look different and we may not agree on everything, but we both love the Lord with GENUINE love. That can’t be denied. And that’s all it took for me to have peace— full peace knowing that God has got it taken care of and there is nothing I can do (here or there) that will change that. It’s all in His hands. And you know what? The knowledge of my dad didn’t keep me from fully being “present” with the ministries on the Race. That alone can only be explained by the peace that surpasses all understanding— the peace we can only get from the Lord.
What if this is the last time I see my dad alive? Then I know my dad is going to be ok in the arms of the Lord. Better than ok. He is going to be living his BEST life for eternity.
But now, the story doesn’t just end there. My dad’s health has been up and down since Colombia, but it all suddenly climaxed last week.
Last week, my dad began to bleed near his airway. Because of the severity of this, he was taken by ambulance to Vanderbilt University Medical Center, a HUGE hospital where my dad had been having most of his care. When he got there, the medical team was unable to intubate him, so they took him to the OR immediately and placed a trach (which is essentially a breathing tube in his neck). And what makes matters worse is that the biopsy they did came back and showed that he was still cancer positive. He is stable now, but needless to say, we were all pretty rattled.
For those of you that don’t know, around months 7-9 of the Race, we usually have something called a parent-vision trip, or “PVT.” This happens around the time that Racers are feeling “over it” on the Race and are missing home like crazy. So seeing a familiar face is always welcomed and much needed. Most of our parents are our biggest cheerleaders, and it is nice to be encouraged in what we are doing form time to time (hey, just being honest. It’s not all roses and sunshine on the Race). My mom was supposed to be coming. But because of my dad’s sudden medical crisis, it just was not meant to be. Literally the day before my mom was supposed to get on the airplane to come see me in Ethiopia, my dad’s health suddenly declined. I completely understood of course and did not take it personally. And truly, if it had to happen, I am glad it happened when my mom was still home and not en route to Ethiopia. Sure, I was a little disappointed, I won’t lie. But I just wanted my family to be ok (my own feelings and desires aside),
During this time, I also found out that because my mom was no longer coming, I was no longer going to be at PVT either. I would not be traveling with half of my squad to the ministry location anymore but would be doing another ATL week, which I mentioned in a previous blog is a week of unstructured ministry where we ask the Lord what He wants us to do every day and we do it. This is done because normally non-PVT Racers and Racers who have parents at PVT are put in different ministries for the duration of the PVT. This keeps Racers from feeling alone and upset if their parents could not come (for whatever reason). That can compound feelings of missing home and put people in an even greater funk. For me, the shock of how quickly everything changed was a hard thing to grasp for sure. And it made my future look really uncertain as well.
Now as you all know by now, I have been planning to go on World Race America in 2020 as well. What about THAT? Surely I would want to go home now and postpone my trip.
Well, yeah. If I’m being honest, I want to be home for a variety of reasons. I want to talk with my dad about everything that he’s experienced. I want all the wisdom from what he has gained in life and what he has learned with the Lord over his 70 years. I want to share with him how God has changed my life and grown me in every conceivable way since I launched. I want to hear his pain. His frustration. I want to understand his heart and for him to understand where mine is now. I want to tell him how much spiritual and emotional healing I experienced this year and how much boldness I’ve grown in! I have matured so much since I left in January, but I know that life has also been happening to him. There is SO MUCH we need to catch up on.
But God.
I had mentioned that I didn’t know if World Race America was what I even wanted to do at first. I wrestled for MONTHS before deciding on it. I wasn’t sure I could give up another year of my life to live on mission with the Lord. But Psalm 37:4 says for us to delight ourselves in the Lord, and He will give us the desires of our hearts. I don’t really think that means that God gives us whatever we want in our flesh necessarily. I think it can also mean that He gives us the things to desire. That is, He takes His desires and makes them our desires. So in my desire to stay present in mission and my desire to dive deeper into intimacy with the Lord, the Lord gave me a new desire— to just “be” with Him, and for me, that extends into WR America.
I’ve felt the call to America for years. Literally years. But what about 2021? Could I do World Race America then instead of 2020? It makes more sense from a logical standpoint to come home, spend time with family, help my dad with trach care, be the peacekeeper again in my family, get a job, earn some money, etc. There are so many reasons to not go. But that’s not what the Lord asked of me. And even if this seems foolish, the foolishness of God surpasses all human wisdom (1 Corinthians 1:25). I couldn’t rationalize what the Lord is calling me to if I was King Solomon himself.
The thing is, there’s no guarantee it will be any easier to make the decision to go then than it is now. There is no guarantee I will be as “fool-hardy” for the Lord next year. I may decide missions isn’t for me after all and decide to not chase the Lord in this. But if I did that, I am telling you right now as sure as my name is Andrew, I would be walking in disobedience. I know He has called me. But there is no guarantee I will care next year. I am an erring human with a tendency to fail time and time again. I’m speaking honestly about myself. I could be like the apostle Peter, saying today, “Jesus I could NEVER betray You. I would rather DIE than deny You or Your plan for me.” But if you remember, not even 12 hours later, he denied Jesus THREE TIMES, and Peter himself had walked with Jesus for three whole YEARS. We’re talking about ONE year for me. I am living proof of how much a year can change a person. Who might I be next year? Will I be just as willing to step out in obedience?
James 4:17 – “So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.”
I am giving myself very strict boundaries on obedience. Just as partial obedience is disobedience, I believe delayed obedience is disobedience. God has used this WHOLE year to show me that living in full, timely obedience is the BEST way I can live. In fact, it’s the only way I can truly live.
“What about your family? How can you do this knowing that you are just walking away when you can do something to help?”
I’ll answer you with another question. How do you know I can really do something? I have worked as a surgical oncology nurse for a few years, and I have seen a lot. Sometimes, people don’t ever get better. It is some of the worst emotional pain a person can go through especially because it is ALWAYS the person who deserves it the LEAST. The kindest grandmother. The sweetest old man. The first-time mother who just had her baby a few months prior. They can sometimes have the best treatment possibly with the greatest surgeon in the world and still not survive. When people don’t fully physically recover or are given a grim prognosis, I have been there for emotional and even spiritual support. I’ve prayed for people. I’ve cared for people. It’s been good, but it’s also been HARD. Harder than anyone should have to experience over and over again. I have felt helpless more times than I care to count. I have seen people get discharged to hospice more times than I COULD count.
I am a servant. I am empathetic to a fault. I want to help. I am a nurse turn traveling-missionary after all. But I also know that I CANNOT save the world. There is no way an erring human can ever save the world. But I have a hope in Someone who can— Jesus the Christ. Cancer is the worst. It is the most vile of all diseases and truly the scourge of the earth. This will be the FIRST thing to go when the Lord comes to set the world straight.
The Lord has previously spoken to me about my heart to help people. It was hard to hear, but it was truth. He basically spoke that even though I do live a life of sacrifice, it’s rooted in my desire to feel needed and loved. Almost like in my pride, I try so hard because I desire to be appreciated. But it’s only God who can really be THE answer. Pouring out myself for the sake of others isn’t enough. It has to be the Lord, who pours out strength from His unlimited supply.
Can I help my dad? Maybe, but I can’t cure him. Can I be there for my mom and family for emotional support? Sure, but I can’t be their Savior. Would God bless my journey home if I had chosen that instead of WR America? You bet, but even more so if I were to walk in full obedience to what He is calling me.
“What if you are wrong though? What if this isn’t what God is calling you to do? Would a loving God really ask this of you?”
First of all, Jesus Himself DID tell people to leave their families behind. John 9:57-62 illustrates how Jesus wouldn’t even “allow” a man who wanted to follow him the time to go home and bury his father. It’s also interesting to note that nowhere in this passage do we see that the man’s father had even passed away yet. And not just there! Luke 18:29-30 says, “And He said to them, ‘Truly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or wife or brothers or parents or children, for the sake for the Kingdom of God, who will not receive many time more in this time, and in the age to come eternal life” (emphasis added). So Jesus could and would ask it. He’s done it before, and He is eternal and never changing. But what He asks of us also comes with a promise: it is worth it because He is worth it.
I don’t think that I am misunderstanding my calling. But even if I was, I would rather err by pursuing the Lord with my whole heart than live in potential disobedience. If I err by seeking the Lord with my whole heart, leaving literally EVERYTHING behind, I will find him. He promises that many times in His word. But what would I gain from erring through disobedience? I don’t know if this makes a lot of “sense,” but if it made sense, where would the need for faith be?
Typing this out is TERRIFYING. I am literally putting all my trust and hope in the Lord. Is my family going to understand? Maybe not all of them. Will some of my supporters no understand? Possibly. But Jesus is too good to not follow. If we are living a life for the gospel, we can’t make decision that please other people more than it pleases God. Galatians 1:10 says, “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” You can’t serve the Lord fully and live out the full truth of the gospel if you are living in the fear of man (or fear of upsetting man). I can’t make a decision for God through the expectations of people, myself included.
At the same time, I feel God asking me again the same question He asked me when I FIRST considered WR America. “Can you lay it all down for me again?” With His help, I can. He asked me this before my dad got sicker. But does my answer change? No. Because God Himself doesn’t change. Just as God had my dad in His hands in Colombia, He has him now. And my “yes” to Him is just as strong now as it was before.
When you give up something, you realize your priorities. How could I live any other way than for Jesus, especially after giving up such a critical time with family? If anything, this crucible further solidifies my “yes” to follow the Lord wherever He leads, whenever He leads. A conditional “yes” isn’t a full “yes.” But a fully, unconditional, no-matter-the-cost “yes” is what He wants. It’s either hot or cold Christianity. And I would rather be SCALDING.
What if this is the last time I see my dad alive? Then God is good, and He is good all the time. That’s non-conditional. And as His image-bearers, we should be non-conditional, too.
In all things, be blessed!
AG
PS- As always, I am in need of support, but this time I appealing to you all for prayer. Prayers for my family for strength and guidance. Prayers that we can find a good treatment plan for my dad. Prayers for continued healing in every aspect of the word. Love and blessings to you all!
