Have you ever received a gift from someone that you didn’t really care for? Many of us probably have at some point. In the heat of the moment, you say “Oh, thank you. This is so thoughtful.” Because really, it is the thought that counts, right? You accept it with a smiling face and think to yourself, “Eh. Maybe I’ll use this a few times.” However, when we receive a gift from the Lord that we never asked for (especially one that we did not want), we are much less inclined to respond in kind.
Specifically, I am talking about the gift of singleness.
Growing up in church, I couldn’t really count how many times I heard, “It’s a gift to be single! You get to spend more time getting to know the Lord and His will for your life.” They meant it as encouragement, but it felt like anything but. Let’s be honest. If we were to have a “spiritual gift exchange,” the gift of singleness kind of feels like the gift that would go to the person who arrived late. This is a gift no one wants. Don’t try to convince people to live in something you are not willing to live in. How many people do we know that claim to have this gift? Like five people in the whole contiguous United States? In general, we all eagerly seek after someone to spend the rest of our lives with. It’s what society (especially in Christian communities) tries to make us think is our sole purpose in life: to get married, have children, and wait until we die. And we cannot possibly have fulfillment without this, right?
To be honest, that idea used to appeal to me. Now, that idea sounds incredibly boring. That’s our purpose in life? What about the excitement? The Lord is a God of excitement and overwhelming power! Where is THAT aspect of God in our lives?
A few months ago, I wrote a blog post saying that the Lord was doing some major open heart surgery on me. In it, I mention how the Lord was revealing to me some things about my true identity in Him, and He spent a lot of time disproving the lies people spoke over me since I was young (that I’m gay, unwanted, unloved, not “manly,” etc.). I also mentioned how that blog post was just a part 1 of things the Lord and I discussed that night. This is part two of what I learned… and as you can probably tell from how this post started, this was not a fun thing for me to learn either.
I feel like the Lord is calling me to celibacy. I am not sure if this is really what He has in store for me for my whole life or if it is just for a season, but I can’t shake the sense that this is something He is calling me into. At first, I was very resistant to that idea. But now, believe it or not, I have a deep sense of peace over this. And I truly NEVER thought I would ever say that.
This has been a call that I have been wrestling with for a very long time in my life. Like… ALL of my life. I have never dated anyone, and not really for lack of trying either (Haha)! I know that most of you known this about me, but it’s still worth mentioning. For a long time, I had HORRIBLY low self-esteem. I thought, “Is there something inherently unattractive about me? Why aren’t people interested in me?” I thought that this was probably going to be my reality no matter what I did and that I would be forever alone. But the Lord revealed to me that all of these were lies that were spoken over me. I don’t have to live in a depressive state, believing these lies. The only truth I need to know is that He loves me and has set me free from the bondage of people’s expectations of me! HALLELUJAH! Praise Him for that!
After I wrestled with this calling for a bit, I came to the conclusion that God’s desires for me to live a single life were also the desires that I had. I offered everything I had (my desires for a godly wife, my desire to to be a dad, my love for children, etc.) to the Lord. It is interesting to think that some of the desires that the Lord has given us may have been given for the specific purpose of us giving it back to the Lord, choosing to be obedient to Him over satisfying our now desires. That is not easy, but WOW is it ever freeing! Now, I truly desire just to spend time with the Lord and grow in my relationship with Him. I want to serve Him with my whole being. I want my whole life to be focused on fulfilling the purposes He has over my life.
One day, I may find a woman who is doing the same thing as me: giving everything to the Lord and serving Him even when it hurts. And if we fall in love and desire to help each other fulfill the plans the Lord has for us as individuals, then I pray that the Lord somehow writes a love story. Until then, I’m going to let him continue to write my adventure book.
A lot of people were not supportive of this idea. In fact, I was discouraged by most of the people that I told about this calling I felt on my life. Still, I know this to be true: the LORD is the one who sustains me! This has been my constant prayer, and I am learning more and more what it means to give everything to the Lord and trust that He really is faithful and all-sustaining! My advice to anyone struggling with these same thoughts: if you want something, don’t pursue it. Give it to the Lord! He is a MUCH better story-teller than any of us.
In all things, be blessed!
AG
