Dear reader. In the spirit of honesty and vulnerability, I’ll let you in on a little secret (not really a secret):
leadership
is
HARD.
I accept the fact that God has called me to it for this season (as He did last year), but some days I don’t feel the most qualified. I try to encourage people to press in, and I don’t shy away from speaking bold truths or hard feedback to people. And most days, I like to think I do it well. But there are hard days, days when the enemy wants to sneak in and whisper lies.
“Did God REALLY say you were to be the leader? What if your leadership team got it wrong?”
UGH. Isn’t Satan just so annoying? And honestly, he is not really even creative. I mean, this is the same kind of tactic he used against Adam and Eve in the Garden.
Genesis 3:1 – Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God actually say, ‘You shall not eat of any tree in the garden’?”
At first Eve’s response was good. “And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden, 3 but God said, ‘You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.’”” (Verse 2-3). Speaking truth over a situation helps you gain the victory. We need to combat lies with the word of the Lord. But as we know, Adam and Eve did not resist the temptation for long, and humanity eventually fell into sin.
As I mentioned before in an earlier blog, when I first entered nursing school, we were encouraged to write down a vision statement – the reasons why we wanted to become nurses in the first place. Many of us wrote down how we had felt God calling us to nursing. Others wrote about how they had been inspired by family members who were nurses. The point of the assignment was to have something to look back on to inspire us to press forward even when we felt like quitting. On days when we didn’t do well on a test or we experienced heartache during clinicals, we were encouraged to read back over our vision statements. And you know what? It actually worked.
So I am going to do this with my call to leadership. Take that, Satan.
Please note. If I put anything in *stars and italics*, it’s because it is crucial information. The golden notes to understanding the beauty of the Lord’s orchestration– the symphony He has written in my calling.
When I first committed to WRA, I was asked to be a team leader. I was committed from the beginning, even before I met my squad, much less had a team. By the time training camp came, there were only 6 of us committed to the route (plus a potential squad leader, but I had not heard form anyone if this was official), so I assumed I was still leading the squad/team. On my flight to training camp (Month 10 of my Race, October 2019), I decided I was going to do some listening prayer for my team (essentially, I was asking the Lord for a prophetic word to give to my squad mates when I would meet them). And He gave me VERY specific words for each of them that ended up being accurate. How awesome! God had given me eyes to see them without even knowing them.
When I asked the Lord for a theme for the team, He said *relational healing.* I thought, “GREAT! I don’t have any wounds! I feel like I healed them ALL during my Race last year! Bring it on!”
Yikes. I would later eat those words.
When I actually got to training camp, I found out that I did in fact have a squad leader (Gisele Buenaventura), and she was going to be taking all team leading responsibilities as well. You would think I would be a little offended that I wasn’t told, but I honestly did not mind in the slightest. Gisele and I had a special connection from the get-go. We were both prophetic intercessors with large amounts of energy, creative expression in worship, and love for artistic expression as well. Plus, the Lord actually gave me and Gisele the SAME VISION during worship at training camp. The friendship was solidified at that point. I was so thankful to get to follow Gisele’s leadership and just as excited to walk alongside her as a support any way that I could.
But the Lord was still working behind the scenes. Looking back now, I see just how well He orchestrated everything.
I remember Morgan, one of my teammates (and now one of my closest friends) spoke up and prophesied that I would be *the head of the team.* None of us really knew in what context that would be true. But the Lord definitely did.
While hiking El Camino (Month 11 of my Race, November 2019), I began to wrestle with a couple of thoughts and sin patterns from my past. I sought the Lord and asked Him for a passage of scripture to encourage me. And I got *Joshua 3:7.* I had no idea what it said there until I opened up my Bible to Joshua. And it ROCKED me.
“The LORD said to Joshua, “Today I will begin to exalt you in the sight of all Israel, that they may know that, as I was with Moses, so I will be with you.”
But it didn’t stop there. I felt the Lord ask ME a question. “Andrew, what is the difference between Joshua and Moses?”
“Hmmm. Good question. You are saying in this passage that everyone will know that You are with Joshua the same way you were with Moses. I guess the biggest thing is that we always refer to Moses as a friend of God, not just *the head*. Joshua had his own anointing and calling too, but Moses saw You face-to-face. You still used them both just as powerfully, but Moses had the close relationship with You that is so inspiring.”
“Right. It’s INTIMACY. You don’t want to be Joshua; you want to be *Moses.*
Fast forward to January 4th, 2020.
Wow, how much can change in 1 month. I was no longer feeling optimistic and hopeful. I felt absolutely defeated. I walked into PSL after saying goodbye to my dad for what I knew was the last time. And when it came time for my to process the transition home, I broke down in sobs. I couldn’t even talk for what felt like 30 minutes. I cried for 4 more hours after that. And my squad mates had NEVER seen me cry until then (believe it or not, I didn’t cry AT ALL last year). But it wasn’t even just my dad that I was grieving. I was grieving my Race, the end of a beautiful season living in close community with some incredible people. And I was grieving the loss of some relationships back home (some of which were very dear to me– so dear that I can’t even articulate how badly it hurt when they left). I hit the trifecta of grief– family, friendships, and experiences.
During my time at PSL, the Lord began to start to heal some of my grief. But there were parts of it I was still in denial about. I couldn’t understand why some of those friendships ended. It was out of nowhere, and I never got any closure. And yet…
God showed me a vision. In it, I was holding a small object, and He said to me, “Andrew, I have something for you.”
“Great, God. Put it in my hands. I’m ready to hold it.”
“Oh, no. You need to let go of what you have because this thing that I have for you is going to take ALL OF YOU to hold it.”
He wasn’t kidding either. In the vision, He gave me this GIANT ball of light that I felt was going to *CRUSH me.* It took everything I had to hold it. Later, the Lord spoke to me through that. “While it is hard to carry now, it will soon become your *baseline.* It’s weight-training for you.”
When my dad passed away, I went back home for the funeral before launching on the field with WR America. And it was HARD. The days felt like they took an eternity, and I could only sit in the grief and just feel it full force. I couldn’t run from it, but I also didn’t know how to press through it. No matter who I was around, no one fully understood my situation. My squad mates only understood a part of it. My family only understood the other part. But no one could really help me work through all of the grief (and the relational wounds that it was pressing up against).
For the first 4 months of WRA, I sobbed myself to sleep, processing everything. I would try to focus on ministry and saw some awesome fruit. But at night, when I could just crawl into my bed or sleeping bag with all of my thoughts and feelings, I would cry out to the Lord and say things like, “Lord, why did I have to lose so much so quickly? It was one right after another that month at home. My dad, my Race, those new friendships. Why? Don’t you see my pain? *Deliver me* from this heartache!” But God wouldn’t answer me with words.
He just held me and cried, too.
In late April and early May, things began to change. At final debrief, I felt the Lord press into my heart that *I was going to lead the team.* “Yeah, right.” I thought. “I am a mess right now.” But man, God again had other things in mind.
I was in Duncannon, PA when the Lord suddenly gave me a vision. In it, I saw my hands cupped around a flame. I thought that it almost resembled what I imagine *the burning bush* to look like. And INSTANTLY, I felt the Lord say, “*I am revealing your calling to you right now.*” So I quickly began to journal it. And at that VERY second, I got a message from a friend on Instagram (Carolyn Miller). It was a picture message that said the following:
“YOUR CALLING IS GOING TO CRUSH YOU.
If you’re called to mend the broken hearted, you’re going to wrestle with broken heartedness.
If you’re called to prophesy, you’re going to struggle to control your mouth.
If you’re called to lay hands, you will battle spiritual viruses.
If you are called to preach and to teach the gospel, you will be sifted for the wisdom that anoints your message.
If you are called to empower, your self esteem will be attacked, your successes will be hard fought.
Your calling will come with cups, thorns, and sifting that are necessary for your mantle to be authentic, humble, and powerful. Your crushing won’t be easy because your assignment is not easy.
YOUR OIL IS NOT CHEAP.”
I got chills INSTANTLY. Talk about incredible timing! It’s like God was saying, “I’m calling you… oh and by the way, this is going to absolutely crush you.” And not just that. “If you are called to mend the broken hearted, you will wrestle with broken heartedness.” In other words:
*Your team is going to wrestle with relational wounds,
so you are going to have to do it first.*
And now I am just sitting at my computer, crying because of how dumbfounded I am by the Lord– how beautifully He was working in my life during those few months. And it was all true, too.
In North Lawrence, Ohio (May), I was officially asked to lead the team. By this point, the Lord had confirmed it many times to me. I knew I was going to say “yes,” but I decided to take a moment and pray about it. I wanted to align my heart properly to God’s and to get His clear vision for me as a leader. And I got “DEEP intimacy.”
Remember Carolyn Miller, the friend who messaged me on Instagram? Before I accepted the position of team leader, I decided to have a call with her. I talked about how nervous I was to try to fill Gisele’s shoes. And she stopped me right there and gave me SUCH a powerful word.
“Andrew, the Lord doesn’t call you to fill someone else’s shoes. If anything, *He asks you to take them OFF.*”
Even now, the fear of the Lord fills me as I write this out.
I am the leader– the head of the team.
THIS is my VISION. I don’t want to be a Joshua. I want to be MOSES.
I want barefoot intimacy. This is my BURNING BUSH moment! This is HOLY GROUND!
I went through my pain, frustration, loss, grief, and lack of understanding so that I would be equipped to lead others through the same thing.
My calling is meant to break me, but only to build me up into something different– crushing the olives to make the oil!
This is going to take ALL of me to hold. And even though I feel like I can barely hold onto it at times, I KNOW that this will become my new baseline.
And of course, Lord. You know how much I love name meanings! “Moses” literally means “to pull out/draw out.” In other words, his name is a prophetic declaration of DELIVERANCE– deliverance to the Promised Land even if you don’t get to see it for yourself.
So here is my “YES,” Lord! Here I am– Moses/Deliverance. I get to lead people where I cannot see clearly where I am going. And if I am never healed of my own relational wounds, I would rather die on a mountain with You anyway, Lord.
Andrew, if you are reading this, that means you are frustrated. You are feeling like your calling was a mistake. I don’t want you to feel condemned in that. Even Moses tried to reject his calling, telling the Lord “Oh God, I can’t. I’m not a good speaker. Send someone else.” Say it with me, Andrew. Your favorite phrase to say when you are annoyed by someone’s excuses: “BLAH BLAH BLAH!”
You are called. The same God who created the mouth with help you say what you need to say even when you have no words. The same God who created the hands will guide you to make the schedules when you are worn out from rescheduling. The same God who created the mind will inspire you with creative ministry and team time ideas when you feel like you’ve hit a wall. The same God who created your heart will help you LOVE those around you who are most in need of love even when you feel like your bleeding heart cannot take anymore pain.
Dear reader, please be encouraged by my story. God is JUST as intentional with you and your calling. I pray that the Lord gives you eyes to see just how powerfully He will use ALL the aspects of your story. He does not waste a hurt but will ALWAYS use it for His own glory. And if, like me, you have to lead as a prophetic act over your story, declaring healing and restoration over your brokenness, then know that God is FAITHFUL and WILL DELIVER on His promises. You are MOSES.
In all things, be blessed!
AG
