Here it is: I am a broken man. For the longest time I would have never admitted that to anyone, including my closest friends and family. Like many kids in the United States, I grew up believing that the ultimate goal was to achieve “The American Dream.” I could define what my own American dream was, and if I worked hard for it, then I would be fulfilled. Then I would be something. Then people would known my name. Then all the “haters”(whether they be real or imaginary) would respect me. But, as it turns out, making a dream for myself and working hard to accomplish that dream did not leave me fulfilled. I didn’t feel like I was a “somebody.” I hadn’t done anything significant enough for people to know my name. And it turns out, all those “haters” I set out to prove wrong by carrying that unnecessarily large chip on my shoulder… well, I had made up most of them in my head. So where has all this left me? Broken. That’s where. However, I realized that’s not necessarily a bad thing, and right now, that’s exactly what I need to be. Broken. Sweetly broken.
The last year and a half was one of the most disappointing periods of time in my life. For years, I have set out with the goal of becoming a teacher. But not just any teacher, an amazing teacher. One that would change students’ lives because I gave all I had day in an day out to help give them an excellent education and set them up with a brighter future and a better outlook on life. I was willing to make great sacrifices to make that happen, because, in my mind, I could only be a great teacher if I put my students before myself 100% of the time. That is the attitude I entered graduate school with. The plan was to spend one year in an amazing teacher education program, earn my teaching credential, earn my master’s degree, then go out, get a job, and start changing the world through education. I poured my heart and soul into making that happen, and in the process gave up a lot more. By the end of the year in which I was supposed to have accomplished all of these things, I had succeeded in none of them. No credential. No master’s. No nothing – except disappointment and brokenness. I did end up completing my credential after one additional quarter, but by that time my passion for teaching was a fraction of what it once was, and again I was left searching for fulfillment in my life. The funny thing is, I knew all along where to find the fulfillment I’d been searching for. I just needed to open my eyes to see it.
Hebrews 11:1 says, “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” For the longest time I was confident that my calling was to be an educator. What I failed to see was that my true calling was to serve God. His assurance wasn’t that I would be fulfilled through being an amazing teacher, his assurance was that I would be used to serve, for His purposes, not mine. I believe that a lot of the struggles I faced in grad school were a result of missing sight of this and making it about everything else except for God. As painful as it was, I can now say that I am thankful for this experience, because I needed to be broken in order for my eyes to be opened to God’s will for my life.
Once I could finally see again where the Lord was leading me, it became an easy decision for me to follow. And so far as my fulfillment is concerned… well that’s found in Jesus. Period. With my eyes fixed on Christ, I again have the hope I was foolishly searching for, even though it never left me. I have been given this opportunity to go on The World Race, not because of anything I did or didn’t do, but because God had plans, and I just happen to be one redeemed, broken sinner he is using at this time in these places to further His Kingdom. How could I ever ask for anything more?
I have been longing for the chance to serve for a long time, but what I now realize is that if and when I am called to serve, I must do so with the goal of serving as Jesus served. The only way to make this happen is to follow wherever God leads me, keeping my eyes firmly fixed on Christ. From now until the end of the World Race, I will have to trust in God’s leading like I never have before. I will be put in uncomfortable places, and forced to deal with situations I don’t have the answers for. This will break me even further, and I praise God for that. This is my prayer: make me broken, so I can be fulfilled by Jesus.
