I sit down on my couch and turn on my TV. I lift up my bowl of granola and yogurt, while sipping down my freshly made smoothie of ice, fruit and juice. I can’t help but think to myself, this is nice. I am comfortable. I don’t have anywhere to be; I have nowhere to go.
I prop up my computer; check my email, and for some reason mosey on over to the world race blogs. To be honest for 3 months I have all but avoided them, not because I don’t care, but simply because I can’t read them. There is something embedded deep within me that knows that I am missing out on great adventures, great lives being changed, and seeing the miracles of God. And it is just easier to avoid them.
I click out and focus instead on who went home on American Idol, no big surprise there I think to myself. I turn windows media player on and shuffle through my songs. Some annoy me, some are all right and then there are the ones that seem to be a soundtrack to my life. You know the ones that take you back to a memory, a time when something sticks out.
There is the one I remember listening to over and over again, as I sat on a concrete floor in Mexico. I am sleeping next to all my teammates in one big open room. The smells, the feelings all flood my mind. I remember the hard ships the good times. I remember the laughter and the joy of the little kids that would steal my stuff and never leave me alone. Not to mention the morning runs to our porcelain toilet, in an outhouse that had to be bucket flushed. I think of the times I preached and I will never forget the teary walk home after our last night together….
I click back over to the world race site and watch a video of a group climbing a volcano. Instantly I remember myself climbing that same volcano, I can see different parts just like it was yesterday. Another flash another instant, all gone, all just memories. I feel a slight twinge in my heart. Did I really live there? Did I really do that? Was I really a part of something so radical, so different?
Am I missing that or yearning to go back? The question continually feels my mind, but I feel so content now, I feel for the first time in my life that I am in a place where I am suppose to be. I am fulfilling a bigger dream, a vision you could say. But I think sometimes the problem comes because a vision and a dream are not happening right now.
All my years of travel, of seeing the world always left me unfulfilled. But somehow in the middle of those unfulfilling days of travel, searching, trying to find the answers I finally did.
I am not sure when it happened or how it really did, all I know is that I finally know where I am heading. You see the difference is easy. Not once in 6 years of missions and travel did I ever feel content or that this is it. I wrote a blog halfway through that was titled “Being a missionary doesn’t make you closer to God it just makes you farther from home.” It was kind of funny except for the fact of how true it was.
There were so many times when I would be serving God and feel so far from Him. The problem that was occurring was I had made the search my ending point, each location was all I had; that was my vision. I would have vision prior to everywhere we went, but once I arrived it all ended. I lost what I was working towards, what I was fighting against. I lost my joy.
Perhaps in a way it was spiritual, perhaps my contentment now comes from my lack of involvement in ministry, my lack of helping others. I get up go to work come home and I am happy. I have joy, peace all the things that supposedly mean we are where we are suppose to be. I mean isn’t that what we are always taught. We pray that God would give us peace and then that is how we would magically know which direction we are suppose to be going in, but what about all the rough times was that not where we were suppose to be.
So now I am confused, is it contentment and peace where we are suppose to be, or is no peace, no joy and trying anything in the world to get out of a situation the way to go. Now lets really dig into this because I think we may be getting somewhere.
This question really sticks out because in both situations I felt like I was doing what God wanted me to do.
I will be the case study.
Here is my story. I was a missionary in every sense of the term. I did mission work and went to a lot of different countries, 20 something to be approximate. Over the course of 6 years on and off I was involved in many different kinds of missions. I learned about missions, did evangelism, preached the gospel, handed out tracks, handed out food, built churches, built houses, unloaded cargo off of ships, helped with medical clinics, took thousands of pounds of food, clothing and relief supplies to needy countries, fasted, prayed, healed people, saved people, helped people with daily needs, helped orphans, started an orphanage, preached in prisons, clothed the naked, fed the hungry even gave water to little children all in Jesus name. I look back and did not find much joy in any of it. In fact it was hot, miserable and I am sure my attitude was not that of Jesus a majority of the time. And most of the time I was not content, there. Most of the time I actually dreaded each day. I really did not find that much joy in helping these people. Does that mean I was out of God’s will. I don’t know. ( There were times I was happy, content, joyous, and satisfied, but I would say it was a rarity.)
I remember someone once saying if you want to do God’s will then do the will of God, ok that is easy. I did all of that. But my prayer life was horrible. I treated those around me poorly. I had a terrible attitude. And I found myself wanting to be done with it.
Flash-forward, here I am back in America. I live in a nice house, drive a nice car, my prayer life is great. I treat those around me fantastic. I love going to work and selling menial things such as cars, and now credit card machines. I find satisfaction in that. I go shopping for myself and in a way I am consumed with the comforts of American life. I am going back to school and can’t wait to get my degree in business so I can in turn find new ways in order to help people. Why does all this stuff, that doesn’t at all seem like Gods will, somehow will in turn bring satisfaction and contentment? I thought that only came when we were doing what we were suppose to be doing.
Oh the mystery gets deeper doesn’t it? Does that mean that for 6 years of doing everything that is biblical, and serving God in all those ways? Was I wrong, out of God’s will? Did I miss the boat so to speak? Was I really destined to do menial sales jobs and live a nice American lifestyle? I mean all right if that is the case.
But then I start to think. What if life really is a spiritual battle? What if the will of God does not really bring about peace, satisfaction, contentment and joy? Now I am in no means saying that some people do not get all those. This is just my story, one case in a million. So I think to myself what if the whole time I was on the field I was destined for more and the forces of evil came against me. Was I prepared for that? Nope. I thought that once we left and went out to serve we didn’t have to fight the battles anymore. Wrong. I am just starting to see that maybe being on the field I was in a constant battle, thus the reason, I could not pray, thus the reason I could not get along with my team, thus the reason I did not want to help people or do anything for that matter.
Maybe that is why doing menial jobs brings such joy, I am not in any battle. I have ceased to be a threat and I have joined into the stagnancy of life. I mean I don’t think any demon is going to try and stop me from selling a credit card machine. In fact I am kind of helping to feed the monster. YIKES!!!
But then again there have been the times since being back that I have cried out to God what do you want me to do and He continually tells me to keep doing what I am doing.
I guess at the end of the day, the will of God is not dependant upon my feelings. Maybe the peace we all want the contentment we all strive for is simply when we stop fighting for something more. It is easy to find contentment when we are not stirring the pot. I am sure I will keep heading in the direction God has me on. I know it is for a reason and I really can’t wait to see what is ahead.
That is the part of the journey I love the unknown, the unexpected. I love living by faith and just trusting that whatever I am doing is what God has for me. I am not too concerned with my feelings.
I went to a small group tonight and we talked about learning to live in our spirit and not in our soul or flesh. I need to learn to walk in that. To often my flesh doesn’t want to fight it doesn’t want to do anything but be comfortable.
So to those of you on the field, suffering from persecution, anger, hatred, jealousy, uncontentment, no joy, and no peace. That really has nothing to do with what you are to be doing or not, it does mean you are in a battle and better get some prayer warriors praying for you. And to those of you back in America. Joy, contentment, peace, and happiness do not necessarily mean you are exactly where you need to be.
The only thing that matters is that you listen to the voice of God, walk out your faith with fear and trembling, if you are happy and content, rejoice, and pray to see if you are missing something. If you are being persecuted, rejoice and pray to see if you are missing something. Don’t get caught up that somehow our fleshly emotions and feelings should somehow be the indicators of which way to go.
Perhaps I am caught somewhere between the two, but one thing I do know is its about time I start doing a little something that causes the other side to perk up, because this easy life is not really what we were called to now is it.
