I have really been struggling since I have been down here, basically just facing the fact that I am scared. For the longest time I have been trying to pinpoint the source of my fears. I know it isn´t scared of the unknown or of the adventure, and I am not scared of getting hurt or having something happen to me.
I was praying last night asking the Lord what was bringing this fear on. I have now come to realize that what I am scared of is ministry. I know that sounds odd since what I will be doing is ministry for a year so let me explain. I will be spending the next year in cultures completely different from my own. In places that speak different languages then I do. I can´t speak to them and I really don´t have anything to offer them from my perspective. But as I was seeking the Lord on this topic it hit me that, although this scares me it is exactly where I need to be in order to do ministry in the only way that will be effective anyway.
There is not one thing that I can do to help these people. I can´t heal them in my own strength or talk to them. So then I started thinking that in America it was so easy for me to rely on myself, to try and do ministry in my own power, I could evangelize to people and pray for them, but I never really knew if it was in my strength or in God´s.
I know now that I must release all of me and just be a vessel used by God. I need to get rid of myself and realize that there really is nothing I can do. I must learn total dependence upon God. I must face the fact that the only lives that I am going to touch are going to be God working through me. I need to learn how to be his hands and feet.
So please pray for me that I can learn how to do this. I can learn to depend on God and release all of what I do to let Him run my life. I am excited to see what God has in store as I continue to grow in this area of trusting in him when I am completely out of my element.
