Hello everyone, Well I am still here in Swaziland as it turned out they are willing to let me go to Mozambique but the original plan was to fly me up there and the airline stopped flying up there because of the tornado that came through and they feel the bus is to dangerous. So in Swazi I will stay.
I just wanted to clarify more of what is going on because I think there might be some confusion. Which would more likely be my fault since I am the one explaining it. A lot of that had to do with me not really understanding everything and trying to make sense of it in my own head while transfering that to all of you. And also partly to do with me lying to myself and not thinking the problem was what it really was. So here is where I am at in the moment. This weekend I spent pretty much alone fasting and praying and reading the Bible. One day I was out for a walk and I had been praying and I asked the Lord why Aim brought me to Swazi and the Lord answered me and said they didn’t bring you here I did. And over the course of the weekend the Lord began to show me how all authority that is in my life is God’s authority. And as I began to unravel this mystery I began to see the whole time I was fighting God and not people.
First of all the selfishness and pride is I think a huge huge part of the problem and with that comes into play a problem that stems off of that and has been plagueing me pretty much my whole life.
For a better part of my life I have had the same struggles, getting into relationships with girls when I am not suppose to in ministry. It happened when I was in Youth with a Mission in New Zealand. It happened when I was with Friendships in Louisiana. And it happened when I was with Global Frontier Missions in Mexico. Coming into the race I knew that this would be a struggle. I know the devil uses it everytime I want to get closer to God, satan uses this to trip me up. The thing that frustrates me is I know it. But it is all so subtle. And each time it is different and each time I think that I can be strong or whatever. So I find myself in somewhat the same boat as before a little different this time, but pretty close to the same. The difference this time is I have been extra guarded against it and for the most part have kept my heart guarded and remained pure in terms of romantic involvement. And just to clarify I have never done anything that I would not be able to look leadership in the eye about. In fact it has been nothing more than a friendship with the best intentions. The problem is that even friendships in ministry can become harmful. The way this happens is through building ties emotionally with people that should not be formed. And what happens is my mind and my focus get shifted. I kept thinking that as long as I was mainting it only as a friendship no one was getting hurt. But I failed to realize that my focus began to be solely on her. I was still able to do ministry, but it was not the same. And as my team began to notice me withdrawing they began to resent me. I began to resent them because I honestly felt like I was doing nothing wrong. Looking back now I see how it not only affected my small team but the whole team as a whole was affected. It stinks knowing that I was being used by satan to pull the team apart.
I realized also that at this time I felt that the friendship was at a critical stage either it gets taken care of and healthy boundaries and such are implented and put in place or it would have exploded and who knows the outcome. I thank God that he pulled me out when he did. I thank God that he has authority in place that will hear the voice of the Lord speaking and respond. I also thank God that the authority he has placed before me has had the grace to give me more chances then I deserve.
I had the chance to visit with someone that was in the same situtation recently in another ministry and to here him talk and use all the same excuses I did really hit me. I honestly thought my head was above water. I thought that it was only a healthy friendship not causing any problems. But I now see it was beginning to become unhealthy and it needed to be brought into perspective.
So here I sit in Swazi not because Aim is punishing me although in a way they are and not because I did some horrible unforgivable thing. It is because God brought me here. And he used circumstances and the authority in my life to do it. I realize that when I was getting mad at my leaders for what they said or what they did. It wasn’t them I was mad at it was God. God puts authority in our life to keep us on the right path. He puts them there to direct us and keep us from falling. I for whatever reason failed to see that and I just got more and more mad at the people around me when it was only God that I should of been mad at.
Gary has done a good job over the past week of not really sharing a whole lot with me. We have talked some and that has been really good, but for the most part he has left me alone with God in my big house. And when God speaks it is always a good thing. It is amazing to me how blind or just plain stupid I had been. I look back over the last couple of months and wonder who I was. I look back over my life sometimes and wonder who I was.
It is the things we fear the most that make us who we are. When I started this race when the team was in Palenque, Mexico I stood up and I told the group that I was scared I was going to fall again. I can’t fall again I told Everyone. The World Race is not just another ministry to me. This is my life. It is a symbol to me of whether or not I can make it in life. Leaving the world race is not just leaving another ministry. It is much deeper than that. Coming into the worldrace I came in wanting to see if I could do it. Me finishing the world race is saying I can make it in life. That I am not going to let satan have his way in my life anymore. I am not going to fail again. I honestly sometimes don’t know if I could continue on in ministry if I can’t get through this year. I don’t know how I could ask anyone to support me when I all do is fall. It is really hard knowing that I’ve screwed up so many times. I know people still support me besides all that. But that doesn’t make it any easier looking back on my own life and trying to sort through all the messed up pieces.
It isn’t that my heart isn’t right. I love missions there is nothing else I want to do. Whenever I meet someone and they ask me what I want to do when the race is over. I always tell them the same thing. I want to keep racing, I want to keep loving and doing missions. It is the same struggles we all face. The problems of sin in all our lives that keep us from being the people of God that He wants us to be. It is different for all of us. Mine just happens to be exemplified in a huge way and I am Ok with that. People that are missionaries are not somehow more spirtitual. Or somehow we are exempt from the same struggles with sin as anyone else is.
I know God has called me to missions, I know God has destined me for ministry. I have had it profesied over my life and it is in my heart. Maybe that is why it is so hard for me. I am not going to blame satan for making me fall. I know that we are not tempted beyond what we can handle. Looking back I know the exact moments of whether I would chose death or life. In each situation before I chose death. I want to chose life this time. I want to see what God has for me, for my team, for this world.
I hope that helps everyone understand more of what is going on. Thank you for your prayers and support through all of this they mean alot to me. Please continue to stand beside me. I love you all.
