Well our time in Swaziland as far as ministry goes has come to an end. I brought back half of the group this morning and the other half should be arriving soon. It has been a month of ups and downs.
It has had its moments of unbelief and its moments of “Get me outta here.”
One thing that I have really learned this month and over the last 7 months is that being a missionary doesn’t not at all make one more spiritual. There is no magical formula that the second you change locations automatically God just becomes real, and prayer times increase and the love of Jesus pours out to everyone around you. In fact I think it becomes harder to do all those things.
I still struggle with all the same things I did when I was in the states. I still find it hard to pray. I still find it hard to have mercy and compassion on all the sick and starving people around me. I think as time goes on my heart becomes harder instead of softer. Maybe the inital shock of poverty and pain has worn off. It has in a way just become a part of my life.
Being out on the field though certainly gives opportunity to move forward and to at any given time to say enough of this I am going to make a difference. I can wake up each morning and change someones life. I have the chance to preach in churches that may never have had an outsider come and share with them. I get to love a child that may never have known what love is. But even if I do all that, even if I have faith to move a mountain. None of it matters if I am missing love. First of all love for God. And second of all love for those around me. In a way ministry just becomes a job sometimes. The thing I do day after day. Sometimes I will go days forgetting to pray and read my bible. And finally I hit a wall and know it is because I have been failing to spend time with God. It is like a recurring cycle that I can’t get out of. I wish I could I wish that magically my life would just want the things of God. It takes work. I don’t know what to pray a lot of the times. I Don’t know what to read most of the time so I am just left doing nothing. Idly passing away the time.
I guess I just want this to be a lesson of sorts. Don’t go into missions to grow closer to God, that may become a byproduct of a life sold out, but it isn’t a guarantee. Getting closer to God is a daily thing. Something that we need to constantly be striving for. The struggles that one has at home do not go away just because your on the field.
