Intro

Yo,

I’m leaving the World Race, and will be taking a flight home from Kathmandu this Tuesday, May 10 at 11pm.

Before I get into the hows and whys, I want to preface this by saying I’m not angry. I’m not upset, I’m not regretful, nor am I resentful. I’m not upset with Adventures in Missions, the World Race, my leadership, my squad, nor my team. In fact, I appreciate them all very much and think highly of them. But I am coming home.

Although the most pressing question on right now might be “Why?”, I’m actually going to cover first how I came to this place, and decision. I’m going to try to bring you into my journey as much as possible.

How Come?

The past few months have been hard, like really hard. I’m actually quite OK with hard things, so through these months I was really struggling to figure out why I felt like I was floundering so much instead of rising to meet the challenges. Some of these challenges included a feeling of aimlessness amongst large amounts of down time, struggles with team dynamics, an inability to find a cohesive vision behind prohibition in technology, and inability to disciple people I met. Grappling with these challenges definitely produced growth in me, but, I slowly started to realize that the challenges I was struggling with were largely owed responsibility to the structure of the World Race. The massive amounts of down time and prevailing feeling of aimlessness that I had to wrestle with were largely a result of a combo of not actually having full time ministry and having no foothold in the location we’ve been in. I love my team and appreciate them greatly, but we’ve had so many issues with identity and unity which to me is strong symptom of having nothing focused to center ourselves on or pursue. I ran into quite a few blocks with prohibition/fasting from technology, and I never was able to get a unified response on why from leadership. The inability to make disciples is actually pretty natural considering the longest we’ve been in any one location has been 2 weeks. And on top of that, the lack of compassion for local people and motivation to do ministry is also a pretty normal response to moving from country to country and culture to culture on such a frequent, regular basis.

For a long time (months) I wrestled with all these ideas and tried to work through them and not become a victim to my circumstance; I was always looking for ways in which I could overcome or at least meet these challenges. By the time I got to Varanasi last month, I was at about my breaking point. I had so many of these challenges racing through my mind that I just about couldn’t handle it. With every ounce of my strength and prayer I was trying to shift my heart, attitude, and point of view to a place where I would be OK with simply giving feedback to leadership about these issues, and embracing them in the meantime. Shortly after, my squad had a conference which couldn’t have come at a better time.

At this conference I got “fired” from being missionary for a week. I felt incredible release. All of a sudden I no longer felt the pressure to perform for the World Race or any ministry host any more; I felt free. During that week, I was reminded on a really deep level that I don’t have to work for God’s love, and that ministry should never come from a place of obligation. It was a great week for me, full of release, yet somehow I knew that what I was experiencing during the conference was not compatible with how I had been living in the World Race. Shortly after the week ended, after spending time in prayer and thought, I came to a place where I was able to admit that I don’t have a heart at all for international ministry at a ground level in any capacity, and God affirmed me for it. He asked me what I do have a heart for, and I responded that at this point in time, I have a heart for systematic injustices, sustainability, big ideas, and the tech community.

With this reality and truth firmly planted in my heart and mind, I had to start asking other questions. My life on the race did not give me the freedom to pursue the things God has placed on my heart. Over the period of a week and a half the questions that I started asking myself progressed from “What are you thankful for on the WR?”, “What do you need to forgive the WR for?”,  “What has God taught me through the race this year?” to “How can I give leadership feedback about what we’re doing?” all the way to “What is keeping me from staying on the WR?” and “What is keeping me on the WR?”. These questions helped me process and come to a point of realizing that my route has two competing visions, both of which are in tension of the premise of 11 countries in 11 months. At first I felt an obligation to fix the race in whatever way I can; I was feeling compelled to fight to fix the vision to a point where I could be happy with the race. But then a friend gave me the insight that it’s not really my responsibility. Not to be flippant, and I can still give feedback and let leadership use their discernment to do with it what they will, but the idea that the vision of our squad was my responsibility was something that I had entirely placed upon myself. This let me ask the question of God on whether enduring the race and fighting to make my voice heard was what he wanted for me. I didn’t hear a yes. It was finally, after that, that I started asking the question to myself and God “Do I go home?” That was a hard thing to do.

In response, I felt God giving me freedom to choose. I chose, provisionally, to leave. That was roughly a week and a half ago. I did not resolve myself, however, to this choice yet. I talked with multiple members of my team as the opportunities presented themselves, as well as my squad leaders and the guys from another team from my squad that we were partnering with for the month. Some encouraged me in my decision, some challenged me. However, none of the challenges I received were reason enough to stay. The last people I talked to before finalizing my decision were my parents. At this point, I was all but decided and all I needed to finalize my decision was my parents blessing. Not only were they supportive of my decision, but they were also extremely affirming. After talking to my parents over Skype on Sunday morning, I was resolved to leave the World Race and go home.

Why?

Now, that’s how I came here, and although the preceding words are the best possible explanation to why I’m leaving the race, it’s a lot to try to grapple with at once. So for those of you who like lists of reasons here they are. It may sound melodramatic or even angsty to some, but I assure you I’m far past the emotional stage of this process and am just trying to be concise.

First, my squad has two conflicting visions, neither of which I feel a  calling to at this point. The first is discipleship/church planting, and the other is adventurous travel. In my opinion, neither of these visions fit well with the structure of 11 countries in 11 months; it’s too rapid for discipleship, and too exhaustive/controlled for just traveling. Second, I’m being forced into ministry, not constantly being invited in. This varies from contact to contact, but even if I was being invited in with each contact, I have no real alternative if I were to say no. Third, I have little to no room to continue in applying the discipleship I’ve received. The things God has put on my heart are simply not possible or allowed in the context of the WR. I am controlled by a schedule and subject to leadership who has very little contact with me. Beyond that, the leadership who has the most influence on me, and my life, are difficult to reach. Lastly, as far as big points go, I’ve had obscene amounts of restricted yet unguided down time. I’m not allowed a computer and discouraged from videogames/movies/programming yet placed in an environment where I can not run, bike, or doing anything much productive.

These are all actually very understandable realities, given the nature of the race, and I’m not angry or upset about it. Once again, I’m not upset with leadership, my squad, my team, or myself. But that’s just it, the nature of the race is at conflict with who I am. Logically it does not make sense to stay on the race. Spiritually I do not feel God calling me to stay, in fact I feel the call home. I feel at peace about this, have talked to all the people I feel necessary in order to walk this out wisely, and have received confirmation and encouragement on multiple levels. So I’m leaving the race and going home.

Conclusion

So there you have it, this will be my last blog on this site. I’ll be back in the states by May 11, and after a week or so of taking time to rest and process will be up and about.

The World Race isn’t the perfect thing for everyone, but I also don’t think the going on the World Race was a bad choice for me, or a bad choice for people looking into it in the future.