So, ive been praying this prayer for the past couple of days, and honestly I don't like praying it because that will mean change. and change usually comes with pain. not physical pain, but real pain. so lets be real. im a little scared, because i have no clue what this will look like. but im also, estatic, because the people that i have seen go through this have an intimacy with Jesus and a love and joy in life that make my SOUL LEAP. literally leap. So my team leader, zack vanderwall (yeah hes dutch, shoutout team fruero) asked me last night what I needed prayer for. So I told him. Now im telling you.
Here's why. I actually want prayer. I know I need this. But I also know it's gonna suck, so i'm terrified that i'll stop before God is through with me. So, person reading this, i'm begging you, don't comment on here and say "i'll keep you in my prayers" or "mmm, I feel ya brother, ill pray for you". Just pray. Please. Real prayers. I'm begging you. This is the best way you can support me right now.
So here it is:
Prayer: I have been praying that God would search my heart and know me, and show me what my real heart is and my desire is. He began doing that today. It's ugly. Hideous. The rebellion inside of me is almost shocking. To me at least. So I need you to beg God to continue searching my heart and showing it to me. Basically, I wanna see how badly I need Jesus. But in that, I also wanna see Jesus and the hope and joy He provides. I'm talking like literally, with my heart and soul know this stuff. Just knowing it with my mind isn't enough for me. And for God to rip away my illusion of control and show me that His purposes will stand no matter what. And that id be desperate for Him.
thats what i want yall.
love ya
chambeezy
