So this is a hard blog to write, and even as I am typing right now i'm nervous because I know the soul searching thats about to happen and the dirt about to get laid out for all to see.
Coach Andrew. That white boy on the corner. Chambers, the white dude that moved to Orange Mound because he loves Jesus. That feeds prostitutes, hangs out with dope boys, works in a gym with gang member youths in the "hood". Because he loves Jesus.
If you knew me in 2012, that is most definitely what your perception of me probably was/would have been. Some might still think that now. That was kind of my identity. I guess this why I have gotten the question numerous times: "you love orange mound and have great relationships there. why would you move away for a year?". Answer: because I can honestly say that right now I have NO IDEA who I am, what my identity is in Christ, or what it looks like to ACTUALLY have him as my rock, my salvation, my fortress. My EVERYTHING. AND I NEED TO WRESTLE WITH GOD. Yeah. That came out like gum comin outta hair. Lord, help me to be real.
What do you mean you dont know what it looks like to have Christ as your everything? You've given up and sacrificed so much. True. But that doesn't mean anything.
Let's back up to 2010. I finally get my eyes opened for the first time and I really see the Gospel lived out, and I somewhat understand it (although now as I look back doubts attack questioning if this is even true). All of 2010 into summer 2011, i'm in love with Jesus. I'm reading the Word, going on mission trips, feeding the homeless, hanging out with people that loved Jesus. AND THAT RIGHT THERE IS THE PROBLEM. Did you see how I just classified being in love with Jesus? Yes, these things are a by-product and an indication of a Gospel transformed heart, but spiritually dead, religious people can do all of the above things to. If i'm being honest, I have no clue right now if I was doing these things because I was in love with Jesus or if it was because I wanted you to think that I was in love with Jesus and I was earning his approval. Bc thats what a good Christian does right? Works his tail off so that God wil owe me.
Then here comes 2012 and God mercifully, painfully, breaking me down and slowly destroying my life. I had moved into Orange Mound, was serving the poor and broken, was a coach for Memphis Athletic Ministries, making "disciples", waking up at 430 am to go to Bible study, a leader in the college ministry at the University of Memphis, planning a mission trip to Haiti, leading a D group, and the list goes on and on and on. Pretty impressive huh?
Except for the fact that I was dying inside and didn't even realize it. I was doing all this stuff "for Jesus" when really I'm not fully convinced i even knew Jesus. If the Matthew 7 passage is coming to your mind, yeah it's coming to mine to. Doing all this stuff for Jesus but then I say to Him "Lord, Lord" and He goes "I never KNEW you". Yeah. That's a nightmare I have sometimes. But around this time is where God began to painfully, harshly, rip it all out from under me. My identity was in my performance in all the things mentioned in the paragraph above (or should I say how you thought I was awesome bc i was doing all the things above). So God KILLED IT. WRECKED IT. If you were a part of my life then, you know what im talking about. Nobody in Orange Mound "got saved", kids at my gym were still fighting and robbing each other, in Haiti, the orphanage we went to has more issues than i can count (not to mention we got robbed 3 times), and finally I had a nervous break down at work. Like balling crying in front of kids on a bus.
This is where the questions started coming. "God where the hell are you?" "Have I been doing something wrong?" "Why havent you been changing ANYTHING? ive been working my tail off for YOU. YOU OWE ME JOY" "Forget this, are you even there? Are you even real??" I blamed God for not giving me the results I wanted for my hard work. And because of this I've struggled with my faith for the past year. I've been WRESTLING with God.
I'll keep it short before this becomes a book, but over the past year, its been a roller coaster ride of battling atheism and sin that stems from unbelief. Ive been broken down and gotten my tail kicked. It sucks. And it's wonderful. I'm learning how to run to God with my questions. I'm learning that it's ok to not "feel" him all the time, and its ok to not know all the answers and its ok to have questions. I'm learning that ITS OK TO BE BROKEN. God is humbling me, which sucks because i'm positive that He isn't done yet. All that stuff that people looked up to me for and that I was apart of, I havent been apart of for around 9 months. Nobody looks at me and says "he's killin it for Jesus". And not having that pressure of finding my identity in that is slowly freeing me.
I say all that to say this. God is breaking me down and humbling me. And I feel like this HAS to happen to have Him as my savior. Jesus WILL NOT share my heart with anything, and He's showing me that. I'm typing this right now because I know its happening, but I dont KNOW this truth in my heart yet. I'm going on this trip to WRESTLE with God. I'm tired of livin out this bs "im in control of my life" American Christianity. Bc even tho I was doing all this stuff for Jesus, I was still in control. ME. And if we're being totally honest, Jesus said, "if anyone would come after me, he must DENY himself, take up his cross daily and follow me". And i think He meant it. And i get it but I don't get it. So im going on this trip because Jesus is rebuilding my faith from the ground up. I honestly believe that He is breaking me down and tearing everything else out so that He is the center of my faith, my rock that I stand on, not my "good works". "Well what does this mean for your salvation? are you saying you aren't saved? that you really don't know Jesus?" Honestly. I'm not sure. Does that worry me? Absolutely. But I can tell you this, I love Jesus enough that it terrifies me and I'm going because I want Him to take everything. Everything.
So my homies on S-Squad, my supporters that are sending me and the people that are praying for me, I'll close by saying this: S-squad, this is who you'll be spending the year with, supporters, this is who you are sending, prayers, this is who your praying for:
-i'm insecure. I really don't know who I am. That swagger I have and the confident smile? Most of the time its fake.
– I struggle with doubt, and with doubting my salvation.
– I'll spit wisdom and scripture at you in a heart beat, and i'll encourage you and carry your burdens, just know that while i'm doing that i'm usually preaching to myself and encouraging myself to.
-i'm a fighter. I refuse to go out like a punk and not persevere. God's Word tells us to "examine ourselves to see if we are in the faith" not "remember the time you wrote the date you 'got saved' on a rock and look at it whenever you doubt'.
– so thats what i'm doing. I'm examining. I'm finally being honest and saying I dont really know. AND IM TERRIFIED. And I need you all. Badly.
– But most of all, I love Jesus (what I know (really know) of Him) and I want to bewith HIm so badly. I want to be secure in my faith and have a GENUINE love for Him so badly.
– I wake up every morning and have to beg God to help me not have a hard heart towards Him. and to keep me.
-I'm learning how to come to God on His terms: weak, broken, and not being able to give anything on my own.
So, still wanna go on this with me?
