It’s official! I am going to be a missionary for 11 months in countries I’ve never been to with a group of people I’ve never met. I can’t begin to describe the feelings I’ve been experiencing—both highs and lows. To be fair, I’ve only been on one weekend-long mission trip in my life and it didn’t even require leaving the state of Michigan.
Let me backup to how I got here. Seven years ago, I attended a missional conference called Urbana. It’s here that I learned about the World Race, but I wasn’t convinced I wanted to do it until a couple years later. Honestly, I didn’t realize it at the time, but some very important seeds were being sewn into me during the conference that are finally coming to fruition. I remember standing when David Platt asked if anyone felt called to long-term missions and I remember not really knowing why I stood except that I did without really thinking about it. I was definitely encouraged by the many stories that were shared and Biblical truths that I learned that week, but deep down, I was still the same Andrea. I hadn’t encountered Jesus in a very personal or real way yet.
Fast forward a few years, I had graduated college, and despite some very powerful and obvious ways God had reached His hands out to me, I still felt very unsure about who God was, who I was and what the heck was I supposed to do? I knew He put a burning passion in me, but I had so little direction and self-awareness that I wasn’t exactly sure what that desire was for. So I got a job and moved to Portland, OR where I learned more than I ever imagined and in ways I did not expect at all.
Its funny when we make plans about how our lives are going to go. For some people, I suppose that works out for them—kudos. In my own stubbornness and lack of trust in God, I resisted His nudges, His quiet voice and ultimately His call for my life until He graciously starting stripping my idols and barriers away from me. I didn’t even realize how dependent I really was on certain comforts that were not my Heavenly Father. The last couple of years have included the most painful times of my life, and it was through this avenue that I really, truly learned the GOODNESS of the Lord.
I had a lot of expectations and defense mechanisms built up by this point in my life. I got away with it because I really didn’t risk much in my life until moving west. But once the walls I built to “protect myself” came crumbling down on me on every side, I began to take a second look and re-evaluate everything as I knew it. I began to really read the Bible as if it were a love letter written to me about the nature of God, the value of myself and the purpose of my life. With my pride and my ego shattered, I could tangibly feel the LOVE and presence of my Father, looking at me with all the love in the world and as if I had never made a mistake. It was as if I felt perfect Love for the first time in my life—as if Heaven had come down to the darkness I had resided in and washed every fear away. It sounds cliche, but I tell you the truth, friends.
Through tremendous heartbreak, disappointments, and the hopelessness of depression, it had literally been one hell of a time. The unfortunate turn of events that all led to this breaking down of “Andrea” actually proved to me that Jesus was with me after all and refused to give up on me. Despite my wanting control so desperately and my refusal to really allow God to be GOD, He didn’t turn His back on me and didn’t stop pursuing my heart. Once all my defenses were stripped away, all I had was Him and I realized that all I needed was Him—I learned He is the most real thing I will ever experience. He is personal. He loves me. He showed me what was true and what was an illusion and how I had been so lied to my entire life by an enemy that is seeking to destroy me. Jesus took my hand and raised me higher to see things more clearly than I had ever seen in my existence. I can’t begin to tell you the freedom that comes with that. All the things I had accepted as truths—that were layered deep down and actively working against me for as long as I can remember: washed away in an instant.
It was in that space that I fully surrendered to Jesus, probably for the first time in my life if I’m being honest. He showed me some things about myself that He put there specifically and I heard him clearer than I had ever been able to hear. He showed me a glimpse of the goodness that He had in store for me, and I finally said, “I trust You, Jesus”. It’s wild how difficult it was for me to finally profess this in my heart, but the instant I meant it, how easy everything else became that had always been so challenging for me.
So next comes a few very “coincidental” nudges from the Lord that pretty much spelled out T-H-E-W-O-R-L-D-R-A-C-E and I said, “Oh, yeahhh! Let’s GO!” So here I am—hungry for more and more of Jesus’ love and presence and to be able to share that with others who are hungry and hurting. Unfortunately, we can’t force feed people who don’t have an appetite, but we can believe that Jesus will chase them down, just like He did with me and I pray He starves you of every lie and ugly thing that has been filling you up so that you will learn to reject any substance that is not Truth, Life and of Him, because being in His presence is the most satisfying and the safest place you will ever be.
It is what we were made for.
