Right now I can’t read, well I should take that back, I can read my own writing and read enough to journal and even enough to email and post blogs, and my watch. What I can’t read are books, my Bible, and pretty much anything that isn’t written in a rather large font. This is proving to challenge me in different ways. I can’t read my Bible and so haven’t in four days. I have had a teammate offer to read to me if need be and she also has the gospels being read on her iPod so I can use that, but I feel like maybe God is telling me I need to listen to Him in different ways until He brings me my perfect vision. I am also having to rely even more on teammates to help me in everyday tasks. I can’t read a menu for myself and sometimes it feels pretty silly to have someone read a whole menu to me. I can’t read anything that is written on anything and this is a very humbling experience. I am so much better at serving others. In fact if the tables were turned I would have to problem reading to anyone else, but to be the one who has to ask to be read to is a challenge in humbleness. Still, I’m willing to learn this lesson, because it is what God is asking of me.
Today during our last squad worship time together God asked me to speak to my squad and tell them what has been going on with me. Some have noticed I haven’t worn glasses and asked, but not everyone has heard the story. I didn’t want to share, I hate to talk in front of large groups of people, but I felt like God was telling part of having faith in what He is going to do is to share what is going on with the squad so they can pray for me too. I was going to let the moment pass when Drew said he felt there was someone who needed to share something. I told God I knew it was me, but I didn’t want to be first and I would share if He would have someone else share first. Kerry gave her testimony and that was when I knew I had to share. After we heard from Kerry and prayed for her I walked up. I told the squad what had been happening and that God hasn’t healed me yet, but that I knew He would and I told them how He was giving me the patience to wait on His timing by taking away the headaches that I should have from not wearing glasses. Then, they all gathered around me and prayed. This wasn’t the end of it though. After Mark spoke to us a few people came up with words for me from God and prayers. They told me that God is using this time to teach me how to walk by faith and not by sight even literally when I can’t see very well right now. They told me that God is going to heal my eyes and that right now He is giving me His eyes and that it takes some time, but to remain patient for His timing. That these eyes He was giving me were going to be His eyes and that when I had his eyes I would be able to see through people’s eyes and see their hearts, their hurts, their fears, and know what their heart was. I was prayed for and told that God was going to heal me and then use my hands and the faith He has given me to love and heal others. I was encouraged to keep being bold and speaking when God gives me the nudge to do so and I was told that my faith is an encouragment to others.
I do not feel worthy to be used is such an awesome way by God. I am not sure why He has chosen to use this broken, cracked pot to bless others and encourage others. I am nothing special at all. Just because I’m out here on this mission trip doesn’t make me any more important than anyone else. I am a sinner and I mess up as much as anyone else, but He has chosen to use me and I am so thankful than I get to be a part of His plan and of what He is doing. I do not want this to bring any glory to me. I am doing nothing but listening to God right now and following Him where He leads. I am nothing special. What is special is that God is working through me. He is amazing and He is doing awesome things. I am not sure why He chose me to do this work, but I will point towards Him, because I can do nothing without Him. All the glory in this situation goes to Him and not to me.
