Not By My Own Strength
Lately God has been teaching me a lot about relying on Him and not myself. I feel like this is going to be a trend for the next year as well. I like to be independent and solve problems on my own. However, I’m reaching the end of my abilities and realizing that God is the only one who can make things happen.
First of all I am without a job. I am substitute teaching, but that is sporadic and doesn’t really pick up right away at the beginning of the school year. Due to this fact I’ve been applying to other jobs that will help me work and pay of my debts so I can be free to go on the race. Right now I’m not having any luck with that situation. My bank account is running low and I’m wondering how next months bills will be paid. I don’t say this to make you feel sorry for me, but to be honest. Still, I know that God will not let me fall. I will keep searching for jobs and I will grab any substitute position I can. I know that one way or another ends are going to meet and bills will get paid. I’m not sitting doing nothing, but I’m realizing that all I’m doing isn’t going to fix it. I’m praying for God’s help to provide.
Secondly, my support account is not really getting much action. It was really moving for a few months there but since late May/early June there hasn’t been much added. I’ve been trying to do some fund raisers selling Nelson’s chicken and tee shirts, but those aren’t taking off as I’d hoped. We barely broke even with the chicken sale and I’m having trouble reaching the minimum for the tee shirt sale. I know that times are rough right now and not everyone can give, but I also know the reality that I must have at least 20% of my funds raised by September, 40% by November, and 60% by December. So the human part of me starts getting worried that I’m not going to raise this money and I won’t be able to go out on the mission field. Then I remind myself that this is where I’m suppose to be and that one way or another the money will all come in.
“Brokenness is What I Long For”
When I was in youth group the group Sonicflood was very popular and often we sang their songs during worship before Wednesday services. Recently, some of the words to this song were really made real to me.
“Brokenness, brokenness is what I long for.
Brokenness is what I need.
Brokenness, brokenness is what you want from me.
So take my heart, and form it.
Take my mind, transform it.
Take my will conform it.
To yours, to yours, Oh Lord.”
This song is saying God I want to be broken and I want You to change me more into the person you want me to be. Not something that is easy and often times not something that is appealing. Being broken isn’t fun, it hurts and pushes us outside of our comfort zones. Yet, I know that God is going to be pushing me outside of my comfort zone soon and honestly it scares me.
We just got the message announcing our training camp. I’m psyched to jump into this experience. I’m excited to meet the rest of the group and to find out who is going to be in my small team of 5-7 and begin to build deeper relationships with them. It is also exciting because the October team just got back from their training camp recently I’ve been reading their blogs about how things went for them. Though they don’t reveal exactly what we do so as not to spoil the experience for future racers they do share about how God has changed them and what they learned.
While reading one October racer’s account of the week it hit me. This will not be an easy year I am in for. This will test me and break me. This will change me. I knew this in my head but I don’t’ think I had totally comprehended it in my heart. It hit me hard that day. I tend to be a person who isn’t readily open with lots of people. It takes me a while before I open up completely with someone. I have to completely trust them. I have a feeling that this week of training camp is going to have me opening up to a lot of people I’ve just met. Not the typical for me. It is going to really test my strength physically, emotional, spiritual, and mentally. It won’t be easy, and it will just be a taste of what is to come.
At first this idea scared me to death. I don’t like not being in control, I’m a bit of a control freak and I won’t have control of what we’re doing, where we’re going any of that. I may not even know until shortly before it happens, or plans may change at the drop of a hat. Yet I know that brokenness is going to be good. I am going to grow so much through these experiences. I’m going to gain new insights on who God created me to be. I will gain new friendships with amazing people. I will learn so much and even though I know it won’t be easy and yeah that still scares me a bit, I know it will be good.
