I shared in my recent blog series about how the Lord had given me a deeper love and compassion for each of my teammates while we were in
Ireland. How it was awesome because I had been asking him to let me see them and love them each as he does. It wasn’t that I didn’t love them, or care about them before this moment, but I wanted to love them more. I wanted to see them as God did and love them better. It was fantastic realizing that the Lord had finally answered this prayer and given me this love for them. However, a few short days later it became really hard to love so much.
The beginning of the week I felt like the Lord had just filled my heart with more love, but by Thursday night I wasn’t sure I wanted that deep of a love for each of them anymore. Wednesday Rachael was put in the hospital with a bad case of malaria and Thursday when I was able to see her for a little bit she wasn’t doing well at all. It was so hard to see her so sick and know that I couldn’t do anything to make it better. I prayed for her often, but I wanted to be able to snap my fingers and make her well again. It hurt to see her unwell and feeling bad.
I became upset with God that he had recently given me such love and compassion for my teammates. Why didn’t he hold it off a few more days until after Rachael was well? Why did it have to hurt to love? I would have been upset about the situation before, but not as much and now I was upset that my heart was hurting. I generally try to avoid this type of hurt at all costs and now I was in the middle of it. Then God told me that a hurting heart was a good thing. That yes it wasn’t fun and not an experience I enjoyed, but that it meant I really had love for my teammates. I hurt so much because I loved so much and that is never a bad thing. I then realized how true this was. I got over the fact that I hated that I was mad about feeling this way. I realized that this was a good thing and I thanked the Lord for giving me this new deeper love for each of them.
So yeah, it’s not fun to hurt, but if hurting means there is love then it’s good.
