“God, You say to be joyful in times of trials and tribulations. I feel like although not perfect, I have had three months of “easy” ministry. I feel like You don’t trust me because I’m not facing a trial. Test me, Lord! Refine me! I want to know You more! Trust You! Honor You! I want to praise You even when it’s hard!”
How naive could I be to think that God wants me to suffer in order for Him to love me or trust me. Even worse, For the past week or two I’ve actually thought He left me unanswered and alone.
Being on the race is hard. It’s uncomfortable.
I miss my bed. I miss my car. I miss my friends and family. I miss having an income. I miss being able to do things on my own.
I was still excited at the beginning of the month though despite what was hard. I came to the Philippines with an expectation of great things to happen; I had my own definition of “great” though. I expected to be here and know everything, adjust easily, be super open with my new team, and for God to show up more visibly (like actually seeing His face or a burning bush or something) than I ever had before. I also expected God to do things my way and answer my prayers the way I wanted Him to. (Because He does that oh so often.)
Three weeks ago I was on fire. Three weeks ago I didn’t doubt. Three weeks ago I was secure that God would provide. Three weeks ago I had confidence (pride) on how vulnerable I was. Three weeks ago I prayed that prayer up above. Three weeks ago God started to test me. Three weeks ago God started to answer me. Three weeks ago started the dissipation of what was left of my comfort zone.
This month I’ve seen more children hungry than I have in my entire life. This month I’ve seen mothers and fathers say they can’t feed their families because of lack of money but gamble what little money they do have while their kids run to us with joy in hopes of getting a cup full/bowl full of food. I’ve seen young teens/pre-teens chain smoking. I’ve heard testimonies of abusive childhoods. I’ve held kids that literally feel like skin and bones.
And because of that, I threw myself a pity party and thought God didn’t love me. Confusing, yes?
I started to doubt my faith in God this month because I didn’t see how me being here is making a difference. I started to ask Him to challenge me, strengthen me, and refine me.
I thought He would send me a child or someone that I could love and write about. I thought there would be that “one thing” that screams, “ANDREA, I AM JESUS, I AM HERE!”. I thought God was ignoring me and didn’t want to listen. I thought He forgot about me.
When I finally started to verbally processing with one of my team mates she pointed out that maybe God was answering. Maybe God had already answered and because it wasn’t how I expected or wanted.
I started reflecting and realized God had been answering. He knew that I needed to face what I hide behind and refine me through checking my heart. He revealed to me so many ugly things about my heart. He revealed selfishness, self-centerdness, and a stubborn, independent heart.
I didn’t want to accept that God’s answer to my prayer was Him leading me to face myself and surrender to Him. I didn’t want to let go. I didn’t want trust Him. That was Jesus’ “I am here” moment. I took a moment to breathe, and I caught myself in thoughts of how I could do this on my own. Graciously though, the word that God planted on my heart came up and reminded me that I can’t. I can’t do this on my own. I can’t love without letting Him love me first. I can’t trust if I don’t trust Him. I can’t be vulnerable if I’m not willing to surrender to Him. I can’t know Him better either if I’m not willing to spend time with Him. I also need to accept that what He says in the Bible about me is TRUE.
As I write this I still don’t want to accept it. Not fully at least. I wish you could be here. You being anyone and everyone reading this. If you could see the faith of these children, the passion of these teens, you would be longing for more, too!
God is good. God is good even when I act like a 2 year old and throw a selfish fit. God is good even when kids go hungry. God is good when He provides food for these kids, too.
Future racers: don’t come on the race if you’re not willing to face some of the hardest obstacles that keep us from know God more intimately. Including ourselves.
I am still about $1,700 short from the $11,000 deadline. Please prayerfully consider donating!
