Let’s go back to May 2013; training camp to be exact. We had a team building exercise in which I was “injured”. I wasn’t allowed to use my left leg and had to have two of my female squad-mates help me walk/jump to our destination. It wasn’t long until the lies of unworthiness, helplessness, and lack of anything to offer started to scream in my ears. Let’s just say that by the time we all reached the end, I was crying so hard I couldn’t speak. I truly believed I was a drag, burden, and no good. I also realized in that women that I did not trust women at all nor did I think I was a woman of any value.
Let’s fast forward to the first week in Nepal.
Our ministry this month was beyond incredible; we shared the Gospel to everyone we met, prayed like crazy, and we walked/hiked everywhere we went. Our first Friday in Nepal we went outside of the valley of Kathmandu and prayer hiked to the top of some of the local mountains. It wasn’t the easiest hike up, but it felt absolutely incredible once I got up there and praised God for the magnificent beauty He surrounded us with. The way down was a bit more of a challenge though.
I’ve always known I don’t have the strongest ankles, but on our way back I definitely noticed they did not like the hike down. I rolled both of my ankles multiple times without any major pain, but around 75% of the way down I couldn’t keep walking on my left ankle. I began slowing my pace down drastically and walking on the side of my foot. Because, you know, I’m not going to ask for help and what not.
I was able to get away with it for the most part. My team and squad mates took my bag and asked if I needed help; some even walked drastically slower as well just to stay back with me. I thought I was going to be able to finish the hike on my own without any help walking. That is, until one of my squad mates that had gone ahead came up to us and told us the bus we needed to take back was about to leave. My pace had to increase and I would have to be in pain walking if I kept going on my own just to make it back.
There was another option: I could let my team mates help me.
I just didn’t want to do it. Instantly I remembered the exercise in training camp and almost began to cry just like I did then. I was nine months into the race, freshly walking into my identity in Christ for only a few months up through this point. Then I giggled. I remembered and recognized the lies and started speaking truth over myself. I was still hesitant, but I held on to my squad leader and squad mate with my left leg lifted and made it down to the bus with only a minute or so to spare.
I couldn’t stop thinking about training camp and although I was speaking truth, the lies were definitely still crouching and whispering. Not a screaming, just a whisper.
The next day during feedback my squad leader that helped me to the bus gave me some feedback in regards to that event. He looked me straight in the eye and challenged me to not just accept help, but to not be afraid to ask for it. He affirmed the new confidence I have in Christ, but he also spoke the truth that I am valuable and important. I am worth it.
I could physically feel the walls in my heart start tearing down. Training camp became real, but this time I didn’t leave thinking that truth was applicable to everyone but me. God used that one event over ten months ago now to show me how much He loves and is pursuing me, affirm my growth in Him, and challenge me to go deeper; to not cease letting His value in me define me.
Future racers, don’t take any exercise for granted that they do at training camp. Ask the Lord to go deeper with you; ask Him to give you second chances. I got my second chance and almost didn’t take it. I’m so glad I did.
