Fear is a very familiar thing for me.
I remember the first time I volunteered to teach. I was a junior in high school, Halloween day to be exact. I had an idea of a youth Sunday lead completely by the youth in our youth group: music, greeting, and even the message. I texted my youth pastor about it and I remember him texting me back, liking the idea, but couldn't do it unless one of the youth stepped up and taught the lesson,
I remember being afraid and thinking:
"oh, I can't do that, I'm not smart enough; I'm not good enough"
The Holy Spirit must have been moving though because I stepped up anyway. It wasn't without hesitation though. Even though that was the first time I felt the Holy Spirit asking me to step up in something since I became a Christian (I was only 5 1/2 month old), as soon as I clicked send lies started to flood my mind.
"You're not good enough. You will get rejected. You're not wise enough. You're too young in your faith. You suck. Why would anyone want to listen to you?"
I wanted to take back both my idea and my stepping up to teach almost immediately. Fear was starting to suffocate me. Fortunately my youth pastor texted me back saying he liked the idea, but he would like me to teach a Wednesday night Bible study first. Whew, in the clear of fear, right? Well….
A few weeks later I did my lesson on the book of James. I think that was probably one of the most scattered lesson anyone's ever heard.
I didn't know how to teach, had no experience, and lacked training: so I let myself drown in the lies that I couldn't do it and my value and worth deteriorated along with that.
So even though I never wanted to teach again, at that time I wanted to become a youth pastor but didn't believe in myself anymore.
Three months ago in Nicaragua though, we had a night of listening prayer with then Team MannaFest. Each person waited for the Lord to speak and we prayed over each team member.
When my turn came, one of my team mates had previously received a vision from the Lord of me teaching in front of an audience of women and at that moment decided to not only reveal that vision, but also pray for the gift of teaching.
This month, not only does my team rotate on who teaches Bible study every night, but I also have my own class all to myself for me to teach English. Isn't God just hilarious?
In my previous blog, I wrote about how God spoke "wrecked" into my life for my season in Cambodia. I entered into this month with sickness, a bad attitude, but an expectation to see how God was going to challenge, teach, and wreck me this month.
From growing in patience from students being late, facing fears of teaching, relying on Christ for my self-worth and value, learning humility through circumstances that require me thinking of myself less, to being heartbroken for the kids I meet because of the potential they could have if everything was "better", to growing in trust in God that we are making a difference and that He is moving; God is wrecking me.
I've never truly wanted the gift of teaching. I've never wanted to be a teacher. Why? Because I honestly thought. (and sadly sometimes still do), say, and believe that I can't concentrate therefore I can't study, and if I can't study, I can't learn, and if I can't learn, I can't teach. I don't want to be the one responsible for someone else's knowledge.
Which whether or not that is true, isn't my God bigger that all that? Doesn't He equip those He calls? Doesn't He get most glorified when it's obviously not us/impossible for us? Doesn't perfect love cast out ALL fear? Doesn't He do everything for the good of those who love Him and are called to His purpose?
I used to use the excuse: I'm like Moses, I can't speak well. Too bad for me God doesn't call me to be like Moses, He calls me to be like Jesus. I have a choice to make: press in to the season God has put me in, or reject Him?
We have choices everyday to press in. Are we going to allow fear and lies hold us back? Hold you back? Hold me back?
Maybe teaching isn't your fear. Maybe you don't struggle with your value or worth. Is it in Christ though? Are you willing to say yes regardless of the demons you have to face? Are you willing to say yes even if it means you decrease and He increases? Are you ready to let Him show off in your life?
