What the H-e-double hockey sticks, G-d?? Why am I facing this? What are You doing??
Oh yeah,You’re answering my prayer.
Since the beginning of the race, I’ve sort of had a theme for each month (inspired by one of the most awesome former team-mates). I’ll give you a quick recap:
Guatemala – breaking free
Honduras – facing fears
Nicaragua – speak up
Philippines – face your demons
Thailand – step up to the plate
Cambodia – get ready for surgery to die to yourself
Vietnam – it’s open heart surgery time!
Although none have been pleasant in the moment, I have nothing but joy and praises to offer G-d for His grace, patience, mercy, and love for me.
Before the race, as many of my previous blogs show, I had no idea of who I was. I didn’t know the identity G-d or who I was as a person. I didn’t know what I truly liked or disliked because I was always trying to people-please, and I sure as heck did not think I was valuable in any way, shape, or form. During my months in Nicaragua and the Philippines, God placed some amazing young women that poured out ridiculous amounts of truth into me to the point that I eventually started to not only speak those truths over myself, but actually believe them too!
As I began to walk in my identity, though, G-d started to show me what was really in my heart despite my revelation in Him. My heart was full of selfishness, pride, self-centeredness, a victim mentality, an orphan spirit, and an offendable persona.
G-d, being the awesome daddy that He is, didn’t show me everything at once, though. I don’t think He’s done either. This month in particular though, He has been preforming surgery on some of the most deeply rooted sins in my heart: selfishness and pride.
Up until I was in Cambodia, I honestly never thought I was selfish or prideful. I always did things to help others, always put others before me, never wanted to hurt or offend anyone, never purposefully portrayed an arrogant personality, and always one-uped compliments to show how humble I was.
Despite how genuine I was or wanted to be with any of my actions or words though, I had deep roots of pride as well as “how will this benefit me” mentality.
Growing up, my older brother would call me prideful and selfish. Of course I would get mad and automatically defend myself, though. So big bro, if you’re reading this, you were right. Thank you for loving me anyways.
So at the beginning of this month, my new team leader suggested during one of our team-times to share what we were pr-yIng about for ourselves as well as where is our heart with the L-rd right now. For the first time in my life I admitted how selfish I was and that I am and will be praying for God to diminish the selfishness and pride within my heart. Not knowing how God was going to answer my prayer, I continued my days serving as much as possible, challenging myself to be more intentional about everything I do and say to become less of me and more of Him, and waiting for a chance to act on selflessness and humility.
I really really wanted to (and want to) walk in a place of humility and love.
But…
Let’s just say I failed my first test.
Basically, I had something to talk to one of my teammates about regarding something that had hurt me and wanted to love them by telling them about it rather than shutting them out. And although I did go to the Lord about it and I felt lead to talk to her, I didn’t take the time to pray for humility and selflessness beforehand.
By the end of the conversation I was even more hurt and had anger stirring up in my heart. Walls shot up higher than the Great Wall of China and stronger than any forcefield. It wasn’t until I sought guidance from one of my sisters in Chr*st that I realized that no matter how right or wrong I was,I had a choice to make: hold on to my pride either brush it under the rug and forget it ever happened(keeping my walls up of course), or seek to reconcile through whichever means necessary. Option two was definitely the most unattractive, and never in my life have I ever wanted to not do that so much, but in that moment of realization G-d said to me: “I’m answering your pr-yer. Are you willing to go through with it?”
“BUT G-D!!! THAT’S NOT FAIR. I’M HURT. I HAVE HEALING THAT HAS TO HAPPEN TOO. WHY SHOULD I SEEK TO APOLOGIZE!”
Because, daughter, I love you so much. I want you to accept my love to the point that you have excess to share. Even through the pain, even through the discomfort, I want you to seek me above ALL else and TRULY rely on who I am to live. That means apologizing. Will you trust me? Can I be your only comfort? Can I love you that much? Will you let me transform your heart and answer your prayer?
Seriously, guys and galls, I don’t deserve this at all. I don’t deserve this mercy. I don’t deserve this grace. I don’t deserve His kindness. And I most definitely don’t deserve His love.
Because of that mercy, grace, kindness, and love though, I CAN be transformed. I CAN love unconditionally. I CAN have grace. I don’t need some magical super-power or super strength to be humble and selfless, I need to seek G-D FIRST AND HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS, then everything else will follow.
The fact that I’m breathing right now is a gift from G-d. He has chosen for me to use this breath to repent and turn back to who He is and be transformed through that.
It’s a daily process of dying to self, but G-d is so worth it. He truly is greater in every sense of the word and in every situation possible.
Press in. It’s not easy, but I don’t want to waste another breathe pretending my way is better.
