When I first applied for the race: I waited just over a month to pay my application fee. If you have applied or are in the process of applying you know you won’t get an interview without paying that fee.
Can you say ‘scurred’?
At the time of my interview: I was going through some healing from situations that hurt me and left me in the deepest depression I’d ever been in. I honestly didn’t think I was going to get in.
I thought you had to be someone who hadn’t gone through what I’ve gone through.
I thought you had to be someone who was fully healed.
I thought you had to be so close to perfection; people would just get saved from seeing you walk through the door.
So I went in with unrealistic expectations of whom I had to be.
I didn’t lie during my interview, I can pinky promise that! (You don’t break a pinky promise, ever.)
I honestly answered everything as truthfully and vulnerably as I knew.
Like I said though, I had set unrealistic expectations of who I thought I should be, but God knew I wouldn’t last if I continued to be that “should be” girl.
So He has been breaking. me. down.
How?
First: I had to confess
I had to confess how broken I was/am.
Brokenness that I’ve had since I was a child.
Brokenness that haunted me like a shadow on a sunny day:
Even when the light was shining, the shadow was always there.
I had to confess that I was still scared.
I was scared God wouldn’t provide.
I was scared that I would get nowhere.
I was(am) scared that I wouldn’t be supported.
I had to confess that I made some really stupid choices these past couple years.
I picked up smoking because I was stressed.
I drank because I wanted to be included.
I gave away my purity because I thought a guy’s love could fulfill me more than God’s love could.
I had to confess I couldn’t do this on my own.
Second: I had to rend.
I had to rend to God and let Him love me and let His people love on me.
Over and over, God has been placing people that have literally loved on me in the smallest ways, yet have impacted me the most because it was genuine.
I’ve always been scared of love. Like, true love. Love from the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
Why?
Because I didn’t understand it.
Most importantly though, because love trusts.
If I let God love me, that meant I had to trust Him. I had to rend to Him. I had to give up myself, carry my cross, and trust he was the light at the end of the tunnel.
Out of nowhere, I’ve had so many words of encouragement from so many different people I literally have no idea what to do anymore. Each time though, I can feel a chain from my heart breaking and falling off.
I had to rend so Jesus could breathe life into my mind, heart, and soul.
Third (and last): I had to accept this trip is for me, too.
I can be uber prideful at times.
I thought if I kept saying that I wasn’t doing this trip for myself and my heart was solely on helping the people in each country, maybe my heart would get the memo.
It didn’t.
Yes, during this trip I will be serving in each country, serving each person as selflessly as possible. (I pray I do, at least!)
But I had to accept that God didn’t just say ‘yes’ because of that. God wants to bless me, too.
There are certain things He has told me that I am to do and/or not do during the trip.
That doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy the trip though.
I am His daughter, and He wants me to get the most out of this trip; both as Servant and His daughter.
(Yes, I really believed I couldn’t be excited for myself during this trip)
So, I don’t know if you were/are like me, but I let the lies of unworthiness overcome me for a while. And although they’re not 100% gone, God never gives up on me, and He never gives up on you! If you feel this is what God has called you too, don’t let ANYTHING or ANYONE hold you back. You may not see it now, but He WILL provide for you. He WILL transform you. He WILL prepare you.
I’ve got 32 days until training camp. I can honestly say I’m pretty freaking STOKED.
Honduras, Nicaragua, Costa Rica, Philippines, Thailand, Cambodia, India, Nepal, Kenya, Uganda, & Rwanda: July 2013.
Here I Come. <3
