When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.
One of my first memories as a child is in the car with my siblings and my parents. We were leaving a party and, per usual, dad was drunk. My mom had just gotten her license, but my dad was driving. Also a usual thing, they were fighting. I knew it wasn't the first time my parents had thought about divorce, but I can remember the words so clearly:
"Mijos, tu papa y yo nos vamos a divorciar." Transalted: My children, your dad and I are getting a divorce.
My mind immediately started to race. My heart started to pound. It wasn't anything new, but I couldn't help but think "why are they giving up? Why aren't they working it out? They have three kids. They have a home. We need our parents. Why won't they fix this?" I also started to wonder: why doesn't anybody speak up? Why doesn't anyone say something? Why don't Liz and Jr (my older siblings) say anything?
So I spoke up.
"You can't get a divorce. You can fix this. You have three kids. We're growing up. We're still little. I mean, you got married for a reason. Marriage is forever." I can't tell you exactly how old I was when this happened because I honestly don't remember. I know I couldn't have been older than 5 because I wasn't in school yet.They didn't end up getting a divorce. Not yet anyway. It may have been because of what I said, it may not have been. Either way, they didn't divorce until 2007 and again in 2013.
From that day on though I was always a fixer. I've always had a boldness to speak up when no one is saying what's wrong with the picture, yet up until recently I didn't realize that sometimes I just need to hush.
I remember asking my dad as a child if we could walk down to the local flower shop to pick up some flowers to mom and give them to her. Whenever we would, I would always say: "mom!! Look at what daddy bought you!!" Even as a child I was a hopeless romantic. I thought if my dad would buy mom flowers, their relationship would stay strong. I also thought that if my mom thought dad bought them on his own, she would still love him.
I don't try and "fix" people because I want to control them, but my pride definitely tells me that I'm the only one who can do the "right thing". To this day I have to literally bite my tongue when I feel like I'm about to "fix" someone. Sometimes I don't catch myself in time so in advance: I am truly sorry.
There are a few particular things that I want to "fix" before I go on the race; things I've been contemplating dropping out of the race in order to "fix" them. Instead of fixing people though, I want Jesus to fix me. Over and over again though, God continues to tell me:
"Daughter, I love that you want your loved ones to be okay, but please: trust me. I've got this. I have your family in my hands. I have you in my hands. Seek me.Seek my face. I don't need you to fix this. My son already fixed it for you. My plan will glorify me, but that doesn't mean I don't have your best interests at heart and at hand. I love you, baby girl. Trust in me."
Trust in God. Trust in Him.That's all I can do right now. That's all we can do right now.
Are you a racer like me worried about a situation that you have to leave in the hands of God alone during this time? Are we ready to accept His promises? Am I ready to accept His promises?
