I Want to go home
I’m past the half-way point of my seventh month on the race and I’m ready to pack my bags, jump on a plane, and head back to the good O-H-I-O So this blog isn’t a million words long, here’s a list of why I want to head home:
1. I miss my friends. I’ve done long distances from my family before but never from my friends that I’m closest to now. Not being able to do life with them right now is truly a struggle for me.
2. I miss going to concerts and blasting music whenever I want to. Last night in my home of Columbus, Ohio there was a concert with four of mmy five top favorite artists. A couple of my friends were there as well as one of my best friends. The green eyed monster definitely paid me a visit.
3. I miss my church. God is doing some amazing things at my home church and there are some things I would LOVE to be a part of, but cannot at the time due to me not being presently there.
4. I miss having an income. I still hate asking for money even though I’m less than $1,700 from being fully funded. I hate not having a wage for my labor. I miss working, period, actually.
5. Last but not least, living in community is hard and I miss being able to do things 100% by myself (in the physical sense because G-d is always with us).
I’ve had my spurts of homesickness throughout my race so far, but I never really wanted to look at why I am feeling the way I am. When I read my list, yeah those are things that are awesome and fun, but hasn’t God blessed me with a chance of a lifetime right now? What is actually deeply rooted in my homesickness that is hiding behind a superficial reason?
1. I am afraid of rejection. By not being with my friends right now I am afraid they’ll reject me when I get home and our relationships will be lost.
2. I find comfort in other things (music, concerts, activities) other than in G-d. I say He’s my rock, comforter, savior, and L-rd with my mouth, but my heart says otherwise.
3. I don’t trust G-d’s timing. I believe in my heart that I know when I should be doing something and if a door opens when I am not available, I pretend as though G-d doesn’t know what He’s doing or is simply playing games with me.
4. I am still holding on to a lot of pride; especially in the case of my finances. I also still have a lingering entitlement mindset as well as a works mentality.
5. And last but not least: I know I am awfully selfish and know that living in community requires complete denial of the flesh in order to love the way J-sus loved all day every day and I honestly just don’t want to do it sometimes.
Despite my list, though: G-d still loves me all the same and is pursuing my heart.
When there are days I don’t want to die to my self, His grace covers my faults. When I finally give in to His perfect comfort His arms are wide open waiting for me to reach for His embrace. When any fears trickle into my mind and heart, He not only casts out all of my fears, but He affirms me in His love and in who I am because of what His son did for me. He lovingly humbles me when I am being prideful, and sometimes He slaps me upside the head as a love tap to wake up and chill. And even though I don’t trust Him and His timing sometimes, He doesn’t change nor give in to my childish tantrums. He offers me the same mercy, grace, patience, love, kindness, and forgiveness are there for me all the same.Not because of who I am, either. Because honestly: He is just that good.
This is a hard journey, guys and gals. If you’re going on the race and reading this, I can pretty much guarantee you that you will get homesick at least once on this trip. Even with my lists though and the truth I know I have in G-d, I still kind of want to go home. What made me truly come back into perspective was something my best friend told me about some videos she recorded from the concert I mentioned above.
She was awesome enough to record some of my favorite songs from the concert, but because of her battery life on her device, she was only able to post one. I thought that one video was more than enough to help cheer me up, but she, being a good friend, took multiple videos. I expressed a great appreciation for the video when she commented em back saying that that video wasn’t the only one. I got even more excited despite the fact that I knew I wasn’t going to be able to watch them until maybe a few days from now. Not a long time at all, but this is my favorite artistwe’re talking about. I patiently addressed my gratitude once more and was content exactly where I was. In that moment God whispered in my ear:
“You can wait for videos from a concert, but you are not willing to wait for my promises to unfold? Am I not greater than any song, artist, or concert? Am I not more faithful than anyone and anything around you?”
Boom. Reality check.
That’s when I realized that despite my lifst, despite what was in my heart, despite how hard the World Race is, G-d is better. (This was one of those lovingly humbling moments). God promised good things from this trip, and I am ready to give up simply because I don’t think it’s easy. Am I willing to continue to be obedient, wait, and hold on to His promises? Am I going to continue to figh the good fight, refocus my eyes on J-sus, and carry my cross?
What promise has G-d given you? What has G-d called you to? What has G-d asked you to wait for?
Are you willing to say yes?
