Being that it’s September 26th, it’s time to put aside the rhetoric and my journalistic tendencies so that I might be real with you. I’d like to lay out some things out for you all who care enough to inquire into my life. Since this requires a bit more of me personally, I like it least. And to begin my partial yet public denudation, I want to first say that I chose this trip. All of it. As overwhelming as it is to confront the realities of a world you’d assume remain half a planet away, God makes it much closer to us. I’ll come back to that a bit later.
Though this is a smidge lengthy, I appreciate your efforts to take on the read. I’m breaking all blogging rules, but I figure I’m savvier at bending them.
Since I appreciate authenticity as I’m sure you do, allow me to divulge.
The city is replete with people and the streets of motorists, yet it intrigues me with its endless unknown. Everyday I venture out to what I don’t fully understand and a spiritual atmosphere I’ve never before stepped into. The heaviness could overcome someone if they did not recognize its dark underarmer, specifically regarding someone who’s come to battle it. God is my only strength against its weight. Do you have an example of this? You might ask. Why yes, I do. I’m talking about how I could translate for 12 hours daily in Nicaragua, get six hours of sleep and then wake up chipper the next morning. Whereas here I get 12 hours of sleep, go out to ministry for four hours and return exhausted and annoyed, even sometimes barely functional. Though all of this has improved significantly, all of our team has been attacked spiritually. In fact, for those who have an understanding for biblical lingo, the ‘old self’ is triggered much quicker and frequently here. For example, my ‘old self’ became easily angry and frustrated – without much warning those same feelings abruptly return here in Vietnam, making me quick to become indifferent to the situation at hand. Struggles come out nearly everyday among the team and we know the enemy wants dissention. But the hotel is a dark place that we’ve been called to be lights in. Our God is funny sometimes, often moving contrary to our logic.
Oh, and comfort (aka. my vice). Don’t get me wrong. Some comforts are healthy and good to have, but there are comforts of my own that I must make a part of my surrender to the Lord. Time and time again during these past two weeks I think about waking up to the smell of coffee brewing in my parents’ kitchen, hearing them talking about the Sunday news while Isaac happily whimpers in the next room. Don’t doubt that I miss you all. I do. Even something as simple as knowing that there’s a washer and dryer available in their basement sparks the longing for comforts from home.
Many comforts have been stripped from me here; knowing the language, knowing the food, knowing where I can find personal space and time alone, knowing where I can find internet, etc. I love being able to explore cities on my own to know where I am and where I can go – again, the knowledge to have dominion. Most of those latter mentioned I now know better, but I’ve found that knowledge is my control and knowledge is my comfort. Being sincerely OK with raising my hands up in surrender to God has been hard with the small things.
One day this past week I brought my dirty clothes (after long await) to a laundry place whose sign said ‘Same day’, and assuming that that meant I’d get them back that day, I wore my last outfit and last pair of underwear while putting the rest in the wash. Three days go by until I can pick up my clothes. We can well infer my undergarment hygiene at that time. Then only to find, upon their return, two underwear missing and a mysterious pair – so I’d venture to say that it also perturbed some traveler who’s now minus one panty. In any case, during those three days I borrowed clothes from three lovely ladies from the squad. I lacked even control to choose what I wore those days. And there are plenty of other examples of control/comfort stripping, but I digress.
I say this not for sympathy or praise. In fact, I debated whether to write this kind of blog at all. However, since life has its underbelly, I figured it’s only fair to expose some of it to you all. Plus, this is daily life stuff that I’m going through.
But most importantly, this is the stuff I bring before God daily. I cling to Him and I’m beginning to see that there is none other that can strip you of control and fear. What a ridiculous paradox! But He can.
I’ll be honest, I like having my comforts. But I love my God, the King of Kings. As I’m growing to love Him more, I am capable of loving my neighbor or enemy that much more. Christ has overcome the world so that in His kingdom I can find my neighbor in Asia or Africa and love him or her as my brother or sister. So regarding the beginning comment I was going to talk about later – the West is as far from the East in as much as I’m close to Him. So there it is. And here I am, a student of little earthly means but of great divine promise. Half of the time I wonder how choosing this makes any sense, but then I awake in the mornings with the greatest presence of peace which makes me think, ‘I’m getting to know the Creator of all Truth and love. What could make more sense for a life�’
