And then their is the question.
Why?
Why did I grow up with a family, a warm bed. Support, love, dreams, food.
Why….
Why am I alive? By the choices I made just a few years ago that seem like days. The party life style, boys, alcohol, selfishness, pride, anger, rebellion. Taking everything in my life for granted.
How, why… am I still alive?
The only answer that I know to be true with all of my heart.
God
This past month I have felt so dry with the lord. As if he wasnt there, I know he is at all times, but its like this dry season and the holly spirit is in a cage. I pray to feel his heart for the children, for these beautiful people that I see and work along side everyday. My prayer is god,,,, I want your love for everything that gives breath in this life. I want you to fully captivate my emotions, and it fill my entire being.
As I was laying in bed sick today, I started to just listen to worship music and soak. He said, you will have my heart for this world, but first let me show you how much I love you. Because you still don’t understand my love for you, and my hand upon your life that always was and always will be.
This is a season of Trust.
You cant fully feel my compassion for others until mine for you is imbedded in your heart. My love for you is real, and you will know it soon.
As he showed me glimpses of my past I looked back like watching a film,, growing up from a young girl, to high school he showed me all the times I could have killed myself by the careless choices I made. He showed me I could have been pregnant. He showed me how I ran away abandoning my family many times out of violent anger and selfishness.
How I saw the world, and myself from a broken and distorted heart.
Out of all the choices I made God…. You took your right hand and you picked me up , and you softly loved me.
You don’t need to change to believe in my love, for it will your belief in My love that will change you.
– Mother Teresa
This is the reason we give up our homes, our countries, and our possessions. It is not so we will look like we are doing good. We give everything to God as we follow the Lamb who was slain. We choose another lover. We choose to be married to HIm. If we choose that, then in him we have all that we need; there is more than enough.
– Heidi Baker
- It was not me or anybody els who got me where I am today. As human, I am not possibly strong enough to make the decision to follow our living God. He showed me how in control he is of this world.
- Of these disabled children here in India that are still alive and breathing, that came from garbage cans and ally ways.
- I often take care of them out of fear thinking… I know ill be leaving eventually, who is going to watch over them ? As if god doesn’t care or have a plan.
- I am still learning to break the habit of doing things on my own strength but to be in union with him in everything I do. How beautiful he lifts stress and anxiety out of our lives.
- But I know this may take time, because of my selfishness in how I lived my life. I often lived for myself. We have not grasped the point of love for our neighbor.We live by ‘Ill take care of myself , and you do your thing’, Because I dont have time for you.
But god is not like us, in everything he wants to give, he want to be apart of it all, he wants to comfort and protect. He wants us to be loved by him. Often I want to love my heart out , and I get stuck because I wont receive his love for me.
Sometimes receiving is harder than giving because its painful. Because its humbling, letting our guard down, and trusting.
What a selfless god we serve!
Why is it so scary to feel something real? Why is it so hard for us to believe we are loved? At one point in our life I think we have given our whole hearts away to someone. Maybe it was a boy, a best friend and they hurt us or betrayed us. A death from a loved one in our lives. Abuse from your parents. So we said, this will never happen again, and we build a cement wall and choose never to look on the other side again.
Why? Who is to blame? GOD! If god is real then where was he? Why did this happen?
He weeps, and he says, I was their the whole time. I was holding my hands out to you the whole time, trying to protect you. Trying to love you, but you hardened your hearts and turned to worldly pleasures. Instead of coming to me with a humbled heart simply asking help, you downed a bottle of Vodka to take away the pain.
But I wait for you,I wait for you, and I am mindful of you.
No matter what you choose in this life, the pain you feel now, or who you think God is, He loves you. He will never stop loving you and pursuing you.
His love is violent! VIOLENT! Every-time someone chooses Jesus as thier lord and savior and says yes to his love, the Kingdom of God is forever changed and would have never been the same without that water drop. The same goes for this earth.
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For god did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.
– John 3:16
I encourage you to take a look back from your past …. and notice all the times god was their. Ask him why? Ask him to show you his violent love that will fill you greater than any earthly substance you’ve put in your body to stop the pain. I promise he is not like our earthly parents. He will not yell at you. He will simply show you, in words that cannot express the deep revelation of his love for you.
He is so proud of you.
Thank you for reading my blogs and what I feel pressed on my heart. I love you all and I love prayer requests.
