22 February 2016
+day 43+
As I rode in the back of the truck, as I watched the scenery change, as I gazed into the landscape, many thoughts were tumbling through my brain.
As I read through the book Kingdom Journeys [in Nov&Dec], I kept reading of this moment of sons and daughters coming to a place of “brokenness”. When they encountered this brokenness, their perspective was shifted and they became aware; self-aware and aware of the world around them, aware of the people around them. They became more alert to issues and concerns that did not revolve around themselves.
This brokenness is emphasized, especially for this journey.
Without coming to brokenness, I will basically be self-focused and less effective.
What does this brokenness look like?
I had a brief conversation with a few of my teammates about this a couple days ago. I posed the question. What does brokenness look like? How will we encounter it? I feel like I haven’t encountered it yet and cannot get ahold of any other perspectives or outlooks other than the one that revolves solely around me.
and I’m so flipping sick of it.
+yesterday afternoon+
Jeanne and I went out on our bikes to get lunch. It ended up turning into a surprise date. On our way back to the house, we stopped at a coffee shop to see if Kate and Kara were still there. Confirmed. We got a coffee and started riding back to the house when it hit me.
As soon as I crossed the road to ride back, it was like being hit by a car.
Here I am in Thailand, living just like I would in America. Stopping for a coffee on the way home and not thinking twice about the people I have passed by throughout the day.
I’m a bit disgusted with myself.
Here I am on this journey to “bring Jesus to the world” and I am getting a coffee because we are about to go home and do some listening prayer and later that evening we will be doing more prayer late, so I “need” coffee because this is a lot of prayer.
–
–
–
–
Somehow I have turned into the kind of “missionary” I don’t want to be.
No! Jesus I don’t want to be this person. I don’t want to be that world racer that does not even see the brokenness around her because she’s so self consumed with her own self.
–
–
–
–
Evening comes and the ministry we’re partnering with has invited us to join time they set aside for intercessory prayer/prayer walk. We get to join.
I’m part of the group that intercedes for the group walking through Mae Sot in search of sons & daughters to talk to and pray for.
–
–
okay- intercession. I struggle with intercession for long periods of time, but here I am. I struggle staying focused. We turn the lights out, and have 9 small tealight candles lit throughout the room. Okay, this helps massively. We have a playlist of worship music playing at a reasonable decibel. This is also aiding in creating an atmosphere of prayer.
okay, Jesus this is an atmosphere I feel I can connect with you and pray and hear you, okay.
I begin pacing the floor, but this is not me connecting with Papa.
I lay face down on the floor. This position is familiar. I connect with Papa here.
–
–
–
What happens next?
Papa and I connect and it’s an intimate meeting place.
He gives me physical pains.
He gives me a temporary pain in my stomach/left side. He gives me a temporary ache in my chest where my heart is located.
This is more than just about you.
Oh. I’ve not been walking any different than at home, have I?
This is not just a journey to fix you or make you a better version of yourself.
This is not about you.
I am bringing you through some self discovery in order that you may see past yourself and see the hurting hearts I long for here.
My heart aches for my sons and daughters here in Mae Sot.
I have not brought you all this way just for you to discover you.
I’m moving mightily here, I didn’t need to bring you here. [but I still wanted to]
My fire is here. My Spirit is here. I don’t need you here [but I still want you here].
He gives me a physical ache in my chest to experience the aching of his heart.
Brokenness.
Breaking my glasses which reflect solely me.
WHAT AM I HERE FOR?!
WHO AM I? WHOSE AM I?
WILL I let old habits and ways of living dictate how I spend minutes of the day?
You so easily forget.
You so quickly forget.
Why are you here?
–
–
–
–
This whole concept of “share your story with the world”, what does that even mean? Why am I sharing my story? Am I sharing it because I hear Papa tell me “share this story, Andrea” or do I share my story and journey to make myself look adventurous, awesome, holy, better than someone else, attractive and amazing?
Why do I share what I share?
Am I living my life to blog about it? OR am I blogging because of what I have lived through?
Am I blogging about a life I don’t actually live? OR living a life I can honestly blog about?
I feel an obligation to blog. I feel I have an obligation to share this journey because I have asked you to support me.
But am I simply sharing the nice pieces with the prettier ugly pieces?
Am I brave enough to share the unfiltered thoughts that come through my brain?
–
–
–
Today as we were adventuring, I could not get this thought out of my head. It returned again and again; I was able to ponder more as we drove & I gazed out; yet it still haunts me.
Jesus let this thought continue to haunt me until it drives me to action.
Can you talk about anything other than you?
Will you only speak of what revolves around the universe of you?
Will you act in anything other than self interest?
Will you even try to see those outside yourself and your comfortable circle?
Brokenness.
Will you take those glasses that reflect you and smash them? Stomp & jump until they shatter into a thousand shards of glass so small you can’t see yourself!
–
–
–
–
43 days in.
Month two, country two.
I will admit, the struggles this month are different than last month. I am walking in new perspective, new eyesight, renewed excitement, re-calibrated joy. I am challenged to not let the days slip by. I am challenged to make the most of my days here. I am not self-managing or self-governing that well. I could be doing better. I could be pursuing better.
This whole concept of movement has got my head spinning; this journey is not for everyone. I have moments of wondering if it’s even for me.
How am I going to transition, find my footing & role then once I think I’ve got my feet under me, it’s time for transition again.
I’ve done this 2 times, and I’ve still got 10 more times to do it again.
I struggle with the choosing a place to live forever. I’m not in that season. When that season comes, I’m sure I will be excited for it.
But this season of live here 2 weeks, travel, travel, stay here a couple days, travel, travel, live here 2 weeks, travel, travel… it’s exhausting. It’s difficult. I’m figuring it out and, I’m not going to lie that I love it every day. It’s hard. Especially in relating & connecting to the people where we are stopping for a brief time.
It’s just so funny because I have been against short term missions for so long because transformation and discipling does not happen in 10-14 days. It’s not possible. So it’s like “okay I’m a foreigner in this country and I can’t speak a lick of your language, and here I am naively thinking that I’m going to change the world and bring so much of Jesus and then I’m going to leave.” What?
Whereas long term missions have goals+visions that are actually feasible because they are PLANTED and building relationships.
How the heck do I bring Kingdom and bring the Good News when I’m present in a city less than a month?
I apologize if this is hard for you to grasp. Welcome to a concept [or what i think is a contributor to] brokenness.
Is it impossible for Papa to use me no matter the time frame I am in country? No!
Will he find a way to bring his sons & daughters back to his aching heart to make it whole again? Yes! Will I see the impact of my time partnering with what Papa is doing in a region? No.
Much of what we partner with in the days and weeks and months, we will not see immediate fruit. I don’t like that. I like seeing immediate results. *side effect to American/Western culture [however other teams on my squad are part of seeing sons and daughters come into the kingdom! yes Jesus!!]
Maybe I need to ask Papa for opportunity to see immediate fruit!
Perhaps I need to be brave & courageous and ask for opportunity to see miraculous healing, salvation and pursue it!
MORE!
I WANT MORE!
I don’t want a year of “I learned this about myself…”
I don’t want a year of “it was pretty do-able, man it changed my life, you should totes check it out”
I don’t want a year of “i thought it was gonna be so hard, but it was actually the most beautiful because all the glory goes to Papa. I really didn’t struggle or ever want to quit”
I don’t want a year of “dang, I wish I would have gone out with two of my teammates and just talked with the people we saw every day”
I don’t want a year of “it was the best year of my life! gosh I wish i could go back to _____”
I don’t want a year of “why didn’t I challenge myself more? why didn’t i open up more?”
This is more than just a journey of self discovery. This is more than a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Papa-wreck me forever. Wreck me and break me. May I never be able to put the pieces of my eyeglasses back together. Wreck my eyesight. Wreck my thought life. Wreck my habits. Wreck me to never waste an opportunity.
______________________________________________________________________
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
==========================================================
