it's a good thing to think before you speak…right? probably. I've honestly never experienced it until this week.
I talk A LOT. more than I should. more than I want to at times. It's kind of a coping mechanism I use when I feel uncomfortable…either I start joking and talking or I start randomly singing a song…either way – I'm making noise.
So, meeting 40+ new people at training camp was comfortable for me at times, but at other times it was overwhelmingly uncomfortable, where I'm sure my handy coping mechanism of noise made other people just… overwhelmed!
However, the Father knows His children and exactly what they need in order to hear Him, even little rambunctious noise-makers like myself…
One night, we had a worship session that entailed some of our trainers walking around and praying over us as we sang, prayed and worshiped.
Now, I love singing. Anyone who has met me knows how much I love singing – however, that night I didn't feel like it. I honestly didn't really feel anything…
Looking around, I could see people dancing, singing, praying, weeping, and I….just stood there. quietly. So I took that moment of quietness to just be still and wait on the Lord.
Then I went to sing.
Nothing.
Nothing came out of my mouth. I tried to talk and nothing came out of my mouth. I tried to hum – nothing.
As my mind started to race in this weird: what-the-heck-is-happening-slash-I-know-that-the-Lord-is-totally-in-control-of-everything-right-now-but-I'm-still-totally-freaking-out sort of way, I felt the hand of someone on my shoulder. I looked up into an unfamiliar face and as our eyes met, she said these words: "Our Father wants me to tell you that: you are worth fighting for. you are loved. your father is proud of you. He wants you to proclaim these things over yourself and feel the freedom he has for you."
{um, WHAT?! How did she know like ALL of my insecurities I was facing that week?!}
Literally unable to speak, I just looked at her and nodded my head letting her know I heard and I understood what she was saying. I then lowered my head into my shirt because I knew in that very moment that it truly was the Lord who was holding my tongue saying, "Just be quiet and let me talk to you!!"
This girl then raised my head to meet her eyes again and said, "I can't proclaim these things for you. You HAVE to proclaim them over yourself and receive the freedom the Father is trying to give you. I can't do it for you."
For the next ten minutes, I stood there in tear-stained silence. Again, unable to speak.
As the tears once again flowed down my cheeks with the hard acceptance of these truths, I took a deep breath and finally whispered:
"I am worth fighting for. I am loved. My father is proud of me."
Then I sighed loudly and smiled… the BIGGEST smile I have ever smiled. And not one of those pretty and dainty post-crying half smiles that you see in the movies where someone gently wipes the tears away in a tender moment. Oh, no. This smile was the whole you could see the scars in my gums from my wisdom teeth removal while trying not to be distracted by the amount of snot and tears on my face type of smile where NO one dared to touch my face to wipe away anything, unless their tissue was attached to a ten foot pole. It was one of the grossest yet most beautiful outbursts of joy I have ever experienced.
After twenty solid minutes of the inability to speak, sing, or whisper, I sang louder than I have ever sang in my life. It was as if right there in that moment I was gathered in the throne room alongside the elders and the angels, proclaiming and celebrating the Name above all that redeems and brings life.
The Truth has set me free. He has set me free from my past insecurities, my past doubts, my current insecurities, my current doubts, and has allowed me to take refuge and rest in His presence and rest in knowing that I am worth fighting for, that I am loved and that He is proud of me.
Nothing and no one will ever take away those truths.
And let me tell you: I can't wait to look into a stranger's eyes and tell them that they are worth fighting for, they are loved, and that their Father is proud of them. I don't care if they understand me or not – not even a language barrier can take away these truths.
