Typically, everything is set out on a course for you to finish.
Preschool is prep for kindergarten which is prep for grade school, which you then travel through junior high and high school because that's the natural order of how things are.
Graduating high school you come to your first big crossroad as an independent thinker:
college or no college? If you're from a family like mine, the real question is college or … college?
Every "milestone" in my life has always been completed with a blueprint of what's ahead.
…until now…
I know that I'll be leaving and participating in this awesome journey, but what that looks like or entails
I. have. no. clue.
So as I am preparing physically, spiritually and emotionally to leave without a handy little blueprint of what's ahead, I have found myself in this weird place of limbo.
For the first time in my life, I'm not really tied down to any particular group or ministry.
I'm no longer leading an EPIC crew of 15-20 awesome high school girls, I am starting to make "transition" plans for the next worship leader, I am no longer interning with the best youth group in South Dallas, nor am I participating in any college classes, nor do I work. I don't really have a ministry or anything here to take ownership of.
As I think about leaving all of these affairs behind and moving on to this new journey ahead, I feel more sorrow than excitement.
The reality of that feeling hit me like a ton of bricks that can basically be summarized into one thought:
All too often I have found my identity in ministry – in what I DO…and all too often Jesus has been lost in the midst of that.
Jesus has not always been the center.
That…is a tough sentence to type, to read, and to digest but let me repeat:
Jesus has not always been the center.
As I was processing that reality there were two prominent feelings:
{ joy }
{ hope }
Unexpectedly, I do not feel ashamed. I do not feel guilty. Rather, I have hope knowing that Jesus is transforming my very distracted, goal-oriented, well-meaning, far-from-perfect heart into a heart that is sensitive to His Spirit; a heart that leans on His understanding; a heart that isn't resistant to hard truths; a heart that accepts short-comings with the full understanding that grace is being abundantly given; a heart that is listening and willing to learn how to be more obedient.
He has used this place of limbo, this place of unrest and "ill-fittance" to reveal that I have no identity apart from Him, apart from my Creator.
Being an influencer, a worship leader, an intern, a teacher, a student, a sister, a friend gives no meaning to my life.
Being a daughter of the Holy King gives me life in the absolute fullest meaning.
So, in this time of waiting, of limbo, of not really knowing what's ahead or what is on course – I have joy.
I have joy that what's ahead is Jesus.
not ministry.
not activity.
Jesus.
I choose to place my identity in the One who was, is, and is to come.
So, I no longer look at this time as a time of waiting but rather of "being." It's time to BE with the Lord, to BE present in what I do and where I am, a time to BE His hands and feet every day, as well as in the future.
I am so thankful it is Jesus who holds my future and my identity.
"What we do see is Jesus, who was given a position “a little lower than the angels”;
and because he suffered death for us, he is now 'crowned with glory and honor.'
Yes, by God’s grace, Jesus tasted death for everyone.
God, for whom and through whom everything was made,
chose to bring many children into glory.
And it was only right that he should make Jesus, through his suffering,
a perfect leader, fit to bring them into their salvation.
Hebrews 2:9-10
